what we're up to

As everyone knows, Christmas is coming - and soon. This will not be the year I get Christmas cards sent - hell, I haven't even registered my daughter's birth yet. Nor will it be the year I craft all my gifts by hand - though if I can crack off a couple for dear friends and family I will be very happy. Luckily I make a mean cookie - so if nothing else, my group of family and family-esque people can count on getting fed.

Here's the awesome bit, none of this bothers me much. Oh it bothers me a wee bit, I wish we were the family who had holiday cards sent out early and a great stash of gifts that had been made over the year. But it isn't killing me... and, while someday I will likely tire of the numbness the medication provides, this vacation from constantly running through my mental list of successes and failures (past, present and future) is exquisite. It is almost as lovely as sipping margaritas on some tropical beach.

Today we met* some friends at a great little coffee shop for some brunch and coffees**. It was fun - a lot of fun. I wonder if I talked too much about myself - and I definitely didn't anticipate how HOT I would be wearing two layers and a baby - but I felt like *myself* again. Yesterday was the same story, we went to a big holiday party hosted by the family centre we attend, and I ran into a lot of people who'd become familiar faces over the past months and was able to just talk to them. I didn't try and run off, I wasn't so focused on my internal dialogue I couldn't follow the conversation and I even handled an uncomfortable situation with something in the same neighbourhood as grace.

enjoying his soy bambinoccino:


so much cute:


me and ms. giggly-pants:

following the trail back to home***:



My relationships inside the house are improving as well, Sebastian feeds off my anxiety and so with me being much less anxious, he is too. Plus, I am not so fatalistic about how every interaction will affect him later in life - which is making life a whole lot easier to handle. He is sleeping better - Andrew and I have been doing a modified Ferber on him and it seems to be working... he still yells and screams, but we've been keeping cool and so, if nothing else, we feel better. And he is just so much fun to be around since we've stopped trying to turn every interaction into some kind of life lesson (something I don't think we'd even realised we were doing until recently - and really, how dull must that be for poor Sebastian?).

I am even finding a mess/clean balance I am able to live with. It isn't perfect - I am currently avoiding the bedroom because if I go in there I will spend the day cleaning it, but it is working for me. And I am starting to think about giving myself a to-do list and see how things go.

*in both senses of the word - we met up with some mama-friends we knew and some new ones

**I had too much of both, downing two lattes and splitting an incredible banana and chocolate bread pudding and a deliciously moist ricotta, apple) and almond muffin

***the petals lead to a flower shop and were such a beautiful surprise

like a robin in spring

In my search for the perfect image to capture my nesting instinct I came across this beautiful print on Etsy called Feathering the Nest by margin a UK digital artist whose stuff I am now just completely in love with! If I ever get my shop set up and get something sold, her shop will be one of the first I hit up with my earnings.

As you can see from the rest of my blog - this print inspired a bit of a makeover. I am totally in love with the colour combination. So much so that the decorations I picked up yesterday for the baby's Birth-Day party also match.

Nearly finished with much of the physical nesting and feeling almost* as prepared as we will ever be. Yesterday, after an incident with Sears' catalogue department, which warrants its own blog, we got a car seat from Toys'R'Us.** The house keeps swinging from order to chaos in what seems like seconds. This morning, Andrew let me 'sleep in' while he cleaned up - and while I wrote out things like the birth plans and instructions to Sebastian's caregivers, Andrew got the living room and kitchen spotless.

We then went for brunch with my dad and my sister, Casey, returned home and somehow in that time the house became littered again. Luckily, due to all this frantic cleaning and tidying, all our messes are surface messes and are easy to clean. Speaking of - it sounds like I have some mystery dinner coming my way (I love it when my husband is all James Bond-like and won't give me any information... it is sexy). But I should likely do some tidying before he gets back, maybe clear the table at least.

**what's that? you'd like to spend your hard-earned money on us? well lucky you, we have a registry. just go to here and spend, spend, spend!!! what could be more fun?


*we just need a bowl for the placenta and a trip to the grocery store for food for everyone. If budget allows I'd also really like to pick up a bottle of champagne - but we are currently dead broke.

could I really be this lazy?? yes, I could

I just sent my first giant mass email - informing folks that we have not had the baby yet - this is not really my style, but I can see the draw. Maybe I should set up a mailing list and do away with personal correspondence all together. There's something to ponder.

So that's the big news - no news.

I can see the end of this strange journey into second-time motherhood. The proximity of the end of the path surprises me because I have been so removed from the process of pregnancy this time around. This pregnancy has passed without the frantic studying of obstetrics my last pregnancy brought, it has passed without worrying about the music playing inside my uterus, or hearing and feeling every movement. It has passed without a constant counting down of days. The days, weeks and months have passed on their own - my body has grown and changed with my knowing at every moment exactly what is happening - my faith in my primal ability to grow and birth a child have been nearly unwavering.

This isn't to say I have been completely removed or ignorant of what is happening, it is just to say that so much else is going on I haven't been paying the same attention I did last time.

This past week has been one of sudden realisations and frantic preparing. I am now in full-on nesting mode, having made Andrew stay up with me long past bedtime to assemble our bassinet/co-sleeper. This thing came with the most irritatingly imprecise instructions - there were a minimum of three occasions where I was certain one of us was going to brain the other with a basket support bar. But, it is perfect and functional and best of all, was loaned to us by another family. I will therefore keep my complaining to a minimum.

Last night I stayed up late getting our lives on paper in some kind of order. I am generally the one left in charge of budgets and the like, despite my relative ineptitude, and while I have been getting pretty awesome I have to admit dropping a few balls. Mostly because my systems fell apart due to neglect and misuse, last night was like a late-night cram session - I got it all sorted out (knock on wood) and I am feeling quite together.

they will have to roll me out the door

Thanksgiving weekend is already upon us. Andrew's parents - who are settling into their new lives as island-dwellers nicely - will be coming to the mainland tomorrow for a trip to Ikea followed by dinner with my side of the family at my father's club. Normally I would be embarrassed by the excess, but on this occasion I appreciate that I will not need to cook, clean or play hostess. With a number of aunts and grandparents around, I am even holding out hope that Andrew and I may get a chance to eat a hot meal in relative peace.

The idea of homemade pumpkin pie has me drooling - this is one of my favourite parts of fall family celebrations. And turkey (yes, I am eating meat again) with all the trimmings... mmmmmmmm....

On the subject of food,some of you who have been reading for sometime may have noticed I have stopped writing about cooking and eating good, healthy, fresh food. I am about to confess a great sin - we have been eating mostly take-out and fast-food for the last couple of months. Try as I might I have not been able to muster the desire to cook, and when I do, by the time food is ready to hit the table I don't feel like eating it. There have been blissful days when Andrew has done the cooking and the evenings when I am glad I made chili the night before, because it is so much yummier the following day anyways. So instead we've been eating naughty food, and feeling the effects of it - but finding ourselves mysteriously unable to break the cycle. We're working on it - but with the new babe coming soon I figured it was smarter to just load up on not that great, but still a) cheaper and b) healthier, easy foods. So our freezer is stocked with things like pizzas, perogies and frozen waffles, our pantry with macaroni and cheese (okay, not all of it is healthier), crackers (to be served with cheese or cream cheese), kid snacks, granola bars, pasta and rice (so much rice - I forgot we already had a ton and bought a bunch more), I bought a bunch of single-serve yogurts for Sebastian and some fall veggies for the one or two times I will feel like cooking. It is a small step up.

I am giving myself until the New Year - at which point I plan on us being back to full-time cooking. By that point I will be ready to start getting into shape, we'll be settling into life as a foursome and will be so sick of pizza. Not to mention how unsustainable this kind of eating is - not only do we feel piles of guilt over all the packaging waste, we also simply can't afford it. I spent more on two weeks worth of groceries on this trip than I have since I started keeping track.

But enough guilt. I am so excited for a nice Thanksgiving with so much of our family. As a bonus - Andrew will be working Monday, so will make some awesome OT! I *heart* over time (except when it means I never see my husband).

a bit about us

We've been busy - fall snuck up on us unexpectedly and here we are, two weeks away from my due date, scrambling to get everything done (I am still holding out hope that I will get a quilt done - how deluded am I??).

Things with Sebastian have gotten better, then worse, and now better again. I flip-flop between thinking he is a perfectly normal two-year-old - to thinking that there must be something wrong with him because he can be a bully and doesn't listen (etc.), then I remember that whatever is going on is perfectly normal for him and I need to manage myself and my reactions instead of expecting him to be anything but totally naturally HIM.

I have been much calmer the last few days and it is paying off - our nap time battles have continued, but he has napped three of the past four days. Today I tried something from left-field, we tried guided imagery. I asked him to imagine he was a fish, swimming through the water and blowing bubbles (deep, long breaths) - I did this while gently holding him and rocking, keeping myself very relaxed and calm. It took a little time, but he eventually calmed right down and went to sleep in his "cave" under the blankets. He went to sleep smiling - something he hasn't done in ages - and I felt so relaxed afterwards. I really, really, really hope this works again tomorrow!

In other Boo news, he has a wandering eye (strabismus), it came on slowly and we just assumed he would grow out of it, but lately it has become much worse and he barely seems to use his right eye anymore, allowing it to rest, peacefully, at his nose instead... I haven't talked about it because I have been having a hard time adjusting to it. It sounds so lame, I know, but he's my perfect child and it took some time for me to come to terms with. Typing that, and knowing the difficulties other kids have, I sound like an effing idiot. The good news is we have an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist November 20, and there's a good chance his eye will correct without surgery, and some of his issues with over-stimulation and frustration may be connected and therefore also be "fixed"... but there is also a chance he'll need surgery, and that things may get worse before they get better, and that it may never be completely fixed.

Oh what else?? We've started using cloth diapers again and are using our Wonder Wash and spin dryer to clean them. It has been a bit of a learning curve, and we let laundry get ahead of us last week - something we will NOT be allowing to happen again (that was a bad, bad day). Sebastian has adjusted well to the cloth - better than we'd hoped, though I still think the change will bring him back to a point where he is willing to re-visit the potty (things got hairy and we quit trying to train, decided he just wasn't ready).

I am preparing for my home birth, but just found out I am group B strep positive... not a huge deal, my midwife can administer antibiotics at home, if I opt for them BUT if I do opt for them I will have to get my first shop in hospital, in case of a bad reaction. This is only an issue because it would mean a) leaving my home in labour and b) driving across town (two towns, actually) to the hospital I am registered at (there are closer ones in case of an emergency). We have childcare lined up as well as a friend to act as support for Andrew and I. Tonight or tomorrow I will pick up my home-birth kit and we will officially have everything we "need" to get this party started (though I am not averse to waiting a little longer... remember the quilt).

Enough babble. On to the HO (click to zoom):


note the entirely inappropriate button (from mehoi.com) holding my sweater together.


carefully picking every chocolate chip out of the otherwise almost healthy oatmeal cookie


this photo is my entry for mother of the year - he is actually eating those noodles off the floor - in my defense I had only requested he pick them up - I said nothing about eating them


playing with the colour accent feature on my camera while S played at the playground

introspection and a future engineer and his tractor.

I find it amazing how, when I spend less time on my own, I end up thinking more. Our week has been pleasantly full, yesterday Sebastian and I ran necessary errands before going to the park - and at every stop we found some lovely, light conversation. Following a very tense non-nap, we packed into the car and headed towards New West, our ultimate destination was a good friend's house where we had dinner plans. Sebastian, quite predictably, fell asleep shortly after take-off.

Dinner was great - food from a local won-ton house - and was followed by a blissful period of child and husband/fiance-free time. My friend's fiance treated himself to a new Xbox (and Halo, of course) and Andrew and Sebastian went along for the ride. Meanwhile, my friend, Shannon, and I got to drink tea and talk. It was wonderful and something I had been craving.

We all stayed up a little later than we ought to have (she had an early shift and we had a grumpy boo, but no one really wanted to rush home to bed). We came home to a house that looked like I had rushed out the door with an uncooperative toddler... normally not something I would worry much about, but I was hosting my very first playdate the next morning. We stayed up a little later tidying before deciding to leave it and sleep.

This morning was spent cleaning, tidying, discovering that none of the markets nearby open before 8, but that if you order decaf at 7:40 at Blenz by Capers they make you an americano (YUM). We spent too much on organic produce and rushed home just in time to sort toys, vacuum and welcome our first guests. I quickly finished tidying (read: hiding all the crap that ends up on the dining room table) and when the second guest arrived I ducked into the bathroom to do my hair. I was a bit of a frazzled host and Sebastian was a bit of an ungracious one - but we had fun and I think most everyone else did too. People left within an appropriate span of time and the one family that stayed later was very much welcome. Sebastian had a great time playing with a slightly older boy and I really (*really*) appreciated the support and advice I got from an experienced mama of two. Again, something I had really been craving - just someone to tell me that a) everything will be okay and b) my bully-son is a perfectly "normal" two-year-old.

After everyone had left and we had eaten a quick lunch, I took Sebastian to the bedroom for a nap. The child was beat and we had talked a few times about how much better he would feel after a nap - but I was scared. Naps have not been going well around here and I was really doubting my ability to put this child to sleep (which of course is compounded by my vivid visions of trying to console a crying infant while trying to get a belligerent toddler to take a necessary nap), for a few weeks now, naps have been a black cloud over our days. The fight to get him to sleep would leave me so emotionally drained that I could barely function - and my mind would be left racing and unable to rest. I've been absolutely useless.

Today, however, would be different. Today I had a greater presence of mind - having spent time discussing all sorts of things with other adults - and I had a greater sense of myself - having begun to read and really internalize (parts of) Birthing From Within. Things started predictably, the moment we got into the bedroom Sebastian went from sleepy to excited, he drank his milk and then wanted to play/cuddle/read/etc. I stayed calm and focused and read from the same bad script I had been trying to follow since things started falling apart. But then... I decided to improvise. I figured that the worst that could happen would be that he wouldn't nap, again. So I decided to roll with things and see where we ended up and guess what?? He was asleep within 15 minutes. I had so stubbornly been sticking to my cool and quiet routine that I hadn't considered that he may need to start again from a more comfortable place. I went back a few months to where we came out of our last napless funk and put my hand on his back as he fell asleep... and he did fall asleep. I shit you not I almost cried.

The lesson is to not be so rigid and to work with the flow of mothering. A good lesson to have learned today and one that will help me both in my day-to-day and on that bigger day, the one where we welcome our new family member.

It is a tractor - he built it himself with just a little help getting the bits together

He was so proud (as were we).

babybabybabybabybabybaby

Today is that magical 37 week mark - I could go into labour any time now and be full term... I am getting my birth basket together (a rubbermaid laundry basket that will contain our birth kit). I dropped my group B strep test off at the lab yesterday morning. I am taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) and drinking Red Raspberry Leaf (RRL) Tea. I can feel my body physically preparing for the work it has ahead. I am reading Birthing From Within, my midwife's home birth guide and all the articles and handouts from last weekend's Birthing Again class.

We've set up registries and wish lists at BabiesRUs and Sears - even though the stuff we really want (read: expensive but organic/natural/local and beautiful) can be found at places like Dandelion Kids, Natural Pod and Baby Buddha. We are sorting out getting the things we really need (a carseat - which - knock on wood - my awesome mother and step-father are buying us, and our birth kit, which our friends Brian and Shannon unexpectedly purchased for us) as well as all the things we are borrowing (most of which are much less pressing, breast-pump, bassinet, bouncy seat, etc).

We've been talking to Sebastian about the arrival of his new brother or sister - as well as trying to get his routines re-established (oh my god he napped today and I almost cried I was so relieved). Discipline that has fallen to the side due to travel and visits and maternal fatigue needs to be re-established.

There is still lots on my to-do list and I am holding out hope that I have three or even four weeks left to get it all done - but I am at peace with the idea of it not coming together before the baby comes and dealing with that.

pregnancy update

OOF - I don't know where to start.

Nearing 36 weeks and at once feeling every bit as pregnant as I am and still caught completely off-guard by my bulging belly.

We're all nesting in earnest, even Sebastian. Today he found, among some second-hand toys we had picked up recently, a small doll house crib and a plastic kiwi. The kiwi became the baby and he fed, bathed, changed and kissed the wee baby. It was adorable and hilarious. Half an hour later he was changing the diaper on one of his hot wheels cars.

I am still attempting to pull my life together before the baby comes. Every passing day this goal becomes more absurd, and rather than allow myself to feel like I am failing (which I do do often) I am trying to remind myself that it *will* all work out and figure out where my priorities lie. There are a few things that really need to be in place, like bill and rent payments, some that I would prefer to have in place, like meal plans and getting the cupboards stocked, and a few that have already fallen to the side and I just need to come to terms with it.

Andrew has taken his own nesting to great lengths - while we were in Calgary he re-arranged the entire living/dining room *and* painted a wonderful mural in the kids' room. Our main living area is now more open and more child-friendly. It also now sports a kid-sized couch that used to be our fireplace mantle and those shelves that dove off the walls some months ago? They're back and can support (briefly) my beefcake husband! We also now own a stud-finder!!

As for the actual pregnancy - my belly is getting bigger, but magically (?) the rest of me seems to be getting smaller. I am still off sugar - but have cheated a little recently and feel like shit for it (one post-shower cake binge sent me into a night of panic - I was so very very sure I could not get the baby to move and that my little binge had killed it... dramatic much?). I could list my complaints, but none of them are out of the ordinary or very interesting. What is interesting is that my midwife had to cancel our appointment yesterday because she was in a minor fender-bender... with a semi... she will hopefully recover fully and be back on her feet in time to catch the little bean.

what "they" don't tell you

Pregnancy is alienating.

Forget what you see in those glossy Pregnancy magazines, filled with the latest, greatest, must-haves and cute pregnancy fashions - pregnancy is not all that much fun. I can't quite remember my last pregnancy - it was two sleepless years ago, but I remember thinking along the way that it didn't seem nearly as cool as I was made to think it would.

And that pregnancy was far "cooler" than this one, I worked full-time in a funky retail shop until very close to the end, I got to interact with adults all day, I got to listen to music I liked and read books and magazines (it was a quiet store). I saw my co-workers and friends every day, we talked about my pregnancy among other things and I was, generally, treated like an adult. That said, I definitely felt myself drift away from the people in my life as the life inside me took over. We hear the list all the time - tired, hormonal, cranky, bloated - but never does it really occur to us that all these things will happen at once and be so consuming.

Before getting pregnant again I envied other pregnant women, that glow, that joy, that incredible ability to grow a life - I rarely considered (even after having Sebastian) that they might be lonely. I always assume joy, assume a grand pre-occupation with their magical bodies, mostly I assume they wouldn't want me to bother them. I imagined, both times, of pregnancy as a kind of secret club. Full of belly pats and kindness from strangers and friends alike.

This pregnancy I have been a member of a club so secret that I have been spending most of my days in the lonesome company of my dear son. Life is easier that way - for months it has taken me forever to do anything, from getting ready in the mornings to making a decision to making dinner. Everything seems to take three times as long to do as anyone would think it should.

Then there's that whole not actually wanting to do anything bit. Sure a trip downtown on the bus sounded like a good idea the night before - but when the possibility of dragging an uncooperative toddler on to and off of a bus, up stairs, down stairs, having to change plans at the last moment because I'm too hot, there are too many stairs, there's not enough time, plus trying to make a lunch decision because I know I will either forget to pack a picnic or be completely repulsed by the sandwiches I'd worked frantically on before missing our third bus on top of the guilt over deciding to drive to my destination because otherwise there is no way in hell we would get to do anything before naptime and if we bail on this trip one more time this week Sebastian is likely to have a two-hour tantrum. When I contemplate trying to add other people into that mix I cringe. I can manage my guilt over screwing up my own family's day, but I can't bear the guilt of ruining another family's too.

Being out of the loop hasn't helped any either - it is easy to fall into a sort of solitary routine after enough time passes. With friends away for the summer, friends with out-of-town guests, out-of-town guests of our own, family members off on trips, family pre-occupation with house hunting or house selling and moving, Andrew's near-constant summer overtime, and the closure of most community-based activities so soon after our move to a new community. Life just felt simpler alone. Not better, just simpler, more adaptable, more manageable, less tense.

I'm a little side-tracked here, though, making excuses for my own alienation instead of focusing on my original thought, that pregnancy is alienating. I have heard it from all around, places where I talk to other mothers online, especially. We all feel a little left out, as one woman put it, it is like feeling 45 while surrounded by 18 year olds. This is especially true if the majority of your friends are childless - they don't quite get that your mind has been turned to swiss cheese and that not drinking is not the biggest issue when they want you to go out with them. Being pregnant means being aware of a whole laundry list of rules, some straightforward (don't get wasted, don't smoke, don't eat raw fish) some less-so (don't eat feta, or brie, or deli meat, eat peanuts, no don't eat peanuts, yes eat them - but only if you want to, and don't eat too many), exercise, but not too much, listen to your body, even though it is speaking a foreign language and you don't have a translator, you are strong, you are weak, you are doing a good and miraculous thing, you are contributing to overpopulation and global warming. Oh, and is there lead in any of the baby stuff you've picked up? Should you buy second-hand? What chemicals are those plastic toys leaching? What birth-route should you take?

The first time around, the questions that swam through my head were consuming an distracting - this time, with the addition of a ever-changing toddler and the combined effects of normal parental sleep deprivation and pregnancy insomnia (and is coffee okay?) my mind is just full-up.

And it seems the second (or third) time around is no less alienating. As I stated I am feeling it pretty intensely, but so are other mothers I talk to - and it seems, to me at least, that by the time the baby comes we have spent so much time occupying our tiny world that we can't quite figure out how to interact with other human beings again. This certainly isn't true of all mothers, but I see it in some of the ones I met early in my pregnancy. And I really wish I had reached out to them. They all had that same distracted look, that preoccupied conversational style, that wandering train of thought that can come off as disinterest, but now think is more a symptom of the isolation (or left-over pregnancy hormones). Whatever it was, I am pretty sure it was not directed at me. I now leave conversations with a distinct feeling that I was just like that (or worse, said something totally inappropriate or out of context), sadly this realisation usually hits too late (we're talking hours or days later, if ever).

So I am lonely and feeling alienated, all the while I am alienating my friends and family, the cycle is vicious and seemingly never-ending.

At least I am getting my mama-groove back (more on that soon!) and am feeling a little more inclined to try and get as much fun out of the next few weeks as I can squeeze. I just hope that when the chips fall I still have my tiny tribe.


ps. don't get me wrong, there are loads of things I am really enjoying about my pregnancy - and they may also be contributing to my hermityness and laziness - I enjoy sitting around, drinking tea and just feeling the baby move inside of me. It is much like how I am trying to make the most of the last of my alone time with Sebastian - I am also trying to mentally record every happy nuance of this pregnancy, I know this time it will be my last.

sick day

Sebastian and I took a sick day today - we skipped the family centre this morning after a long series of small tantrums. That, combined with his still-runny (clear snot) nose, led me to believe that he wasn't feeling 100%. So, instead, we did one of those things we rarely do - we spent the day on the bed watching movies.

We watched Cars and Over the Hedge - two of his "favourites" before nap-time. I managed to get more done in my attempts to streamline our household processes (oh, oh, who used to be a manager???) and I am giving the whole (somewhat cultish) FlyLady bit another shot. Though this time it is on my terms!

During Sebastian's nap I watched Starsky and Hutch and got to work. I will post my progress as I work through this - I am figuring I only have a few short weeks left to get us onto something we can follow amid the chaos, one of which will be spent in another province, so I am poo-pooing the baby-steps and jumping in with both feet. The next little bit will likely include a lot of throwing ideas up and seeing what sticks. Thankfully we don't have anything too complex to worry about - our apartment is tiny and our budget small, my routines are already pretty simple - now it is just a matter of getting stuff to a point where a monkey could do it (knowing that that will be about how functional we will be post kid#2). Last month I made a master budget to take us through until fall, I need to tweak a few things (how on earth did I forget to include Andrew's monthly bus pass??) and extend it through to next year. This budget is based on months of budgeting and effort, but is to a point where I can automate most of our bill payments and set up calendar notifications that go to both Andrew and I when we need to physically do something.

Having done that and having done a lot of work on our meal plans and grocery habits, I figure consolidating everything and adding housework will be, if not simple - at least doable.

After Sebastian's nap I popped him back in front of the Backyardigans and did a little necessary nesting. Last week I cleaned out my cupboard and put all our bulk stuff into jars, so we can see what we really have.

And then today I scrubbed under the sink and finally organised our pots, pans, plastics and appliance cupboard (the biggest of three cupboards in our teeny kitchen). That's two huge things off my pre-baby to-do list (a long, long list).

In other news, my first-ever vegetable garden is making food we can eat - we got a nice harvest of peas and this last week we have eaten beans and onions from the garden. I have some beets and (a whole LOT of) cucumbers that will be ready for harvest pretty soon. There are even tomatoes on my tomato plants. This is especially exciting when I consider that I a) had not a clue what I was doing and b) pretty much neglected the whole thing all summer.

wha' happen?

It's been a long few weeks - 32 of them, to be precise.

Pregnancy is really kicking my ass this time around, it seems. Or more accurately, it is eating my brain. I can't kick this sense that things that ought to take me no time at all are taking me far too long - and I would likely be right. I am moving at the pace of a sloth, a very lazy sloth.

It isn't just physically, or even predominately physically, my mind has slowed right down and it takes me so long to process a thought. I am finding myself very easily distracted too - case in point, I sat down nearly two hours ago to write this blog entry - great ideas floating around my head like pretty balloons. But then I checked my email, and a website, and then the news headlines, then I thought of something - so I looked up our old grocery delivery service, and there was music to listen to, and a new craft project to mull over, plus photos from our last week to upload to Flickr and then, suddenly, it is noon and nearly time for me to go pick up my dear son (whom I am assuming has had an amazing time with his dear, young, unpregnant aunts).

Bloody hell.

I remember a time when my writing was good with tiny smatterings of pretty great. I know this happened because I can look back and see it... No, I may not have ever been on the path to winning any awards or even entertaining more than three people - but it was something that was mine, my outlet, my something tangible - and now I feel like it escapes me (to the point that it took me three attempts to spell "escapes"). I am sure that it is all still in there, somewhere, and that my current manifestation as Kate Harris - wife, mother, cooker of food and grower of people, will evolve to include all the other things I enjoy doing (and frankly, there have been a few days here that I have very much enjoyed none of my titles as currently written).

I am very much looking forward to two now-pressing sewing projects, even though completing them will mean a slip in another area. I have two weeks to make a late birthday/christmas gift and then a little more time (though not too much) to complete my very first commission. I have made a commitment to finding ways to simplify everything else - like returning to paying a bit more for the convenience of healthy, organic food delivered to my door weekly, and sticking to my very detailed and organised budget.

And because this is the best photo I have ever taken - EVER

taken just before leaving the dock on a small ferry trip around False Creek

settling in for the long haul

We have had a wonderful, quiet weekend. We have kept to ourselves, and I have been thoroughly enjoying the company of my little family.

Yesterday we drove out to Surrey to get me a couple of nursing bras (it seems the only Motherhood that carries plus sizes is the one in Surrey - because, you know, fat chicks don't live in the city). While I shopped, Andrew and Sebastian played in the very nice play area the mall provides. I went to hell-mart for diapers (since a Costco-trip is now not going to happen until next pay-day) and then up to Motherhood, where Sebastian and Andrew found me. With some prompting, I bought a sale top - a simple patterned tank that looks a little less grungy than my daily tops and has room to grow. I keep forgetting that while my belly keeps growing, the rest of me is actually shrinking still. So when the bras I picked out, because my normal size was not in stock, fit amazingly (with room for the ta-tas to grow even more - having already plumped up considerably) I felt pretty awesome.

Before we left I nipped into Old Navy and grabbed these dresses, imagine the models about twice that size with a beach ball under there and you can picture what they look like on me. They are cuter than that sounds, though.


and would *not* wear a belt - that would just be silly
I think these look hilarious on non-pregnant-types, because, especially without a belt, they make women look bloated. This could be why there were racks upon racks of them marked down 50%. I just know I will live in these things until the bean pops out.

less than 10 weeks

Can you believe it? In approximately 9 weeks and 6 days my family of three will become a family of four. Things have been crazy around here as the reality sets in. We are wholly unprepared (I think I mentioned this last month too), some great people have offered us some great things and it is about time I took up all the offers I can. Baby shower planning needs attending to, I need to make a list of the things we need so that if people want to buy us anything they can get us something we'll use, and lists of our friends need to be given to the right people so that they will be invited. I am actually really excited for this party - last time around I didn't know nearly as many people, have as many friends or have a clue what I was in for.

Andrew and I have a long, long list of things we want to get done pre-new-baby. Neither of us are deluded enough to actually think much of it will get done now, but there are a few key crafts I want to do (make baby quilt and knit booties) and one big thing I hope Andrew can do (paint the kid's room).

I had a discussion with a good friend of mine about neighbours and home birth. We had not planned on telling our neighbours until shortly before the birth, our thinking being that they would have less time to get frightened about the prospect. Her thoughts are that we should tell them now and give them an opportunity to decide how they feel about it. My argument, and fear, is that I don't want anyone else to dictate my birthing choice. I just don't think someone else's fear of what might be should mean I have to give birth in an environment I am uncomfortable with.

During the conversation I had trouble articulating much past my fear - my fear that someone else was going to get to make this very personal decision for me, again (homebirth is not covered in Alberta - you go to a hospital or pay through the nose). Homebirths have been shown to as safe as hospital births and require fewer interventions, I will get to be in a familiar space and be surrounded by only the people I want. Top this off with the knowledge that this will be our last baby, we are not having more (really) and that makes this my only chance to experience a home birth (at least from the unique perspective of birth mother). I do not want that taken away, unless medically necessary.

Following the discussion I was confused and distraught, I could see my friend's very valid point, but I wasn't ready to conceded. Andrew and I talked at length about it and found ourselves just going in circles - what to do? What to do???

I posed the question to an online prenting group I belong to and was blessed with some first-hand experience:

We had a homebirth. Our landlord, who lives upstairs, would also have had serious issues with it. Not that he would have worried specifically about the place getting messed up, etc, but just the whole automatic fear that comes up about homebirth for uninformed people. I didn't want to deal with his fear or having him constantly worrying about it. Anyway, we decided not to tell him beforehand. I was also really quiet for my first kid's birth and expected to be this time. But, the best thing we did was a few weeks before our due date, we called him and said, just wanted to remind you that we are due soon so if you hear any loud noise, don't worry about us, we just might be in labor. That way he wouldn't come down to check on us or tell us we are being too loud or something dumb like that. (We just left out the part about "we won't be leaving to go to the hospital.") Even if you were REALLY loud this time, for all your landlord knows, you are having a really difficult early labor and just haven't left for the hospital yet. Don't know if this approach would work for you. The labor for us did indeed end up very quiet (with dd sleeping in her room right across the hall) and it only lasted 2 hours. We went ahead and told him after the fact, but I don't suppose we needed to. Somehow, it wasn't even an issue when we mentioned it. It's like he was almost proud that a baby was actually born in his house.

I was also gifted this gem:

why it is either your landlord's or your neighbors' business that you are having a homebirth. You pay rent to live there - and unless it is in your lease to inform them of possible homebirths, I'd say don't bother telling them. KWIM?

After talking with Andrew again we have decided not to tell them. The reality is we would be home for the long part of labour anyways, last time around we were turned away and told to come back hours later - and the pushing bit will be over before anyone knew what hit. I double (and triple) checked with Andrew and he assures me I was a quiet labourer (except for the low moan I attempted to release while pushing that the ass-faced nurse told me to hold in contrary to everything my own body was telling me to do).

it sounds to me like you need a swift kick in the arse

and I did.

Tonight we were visited by our lovely neighbourhood midwife and found out that I only just barely passed my gestational diabetes screening. This means I will continue to plan a natural home birth, YAY, but will otherwise act as though I am borderline GD. Meaning I will cut all simple sugar (booo), eat a well-balance diet (yay), go for a 10-minute walk after every meal, eat more complex carbs and a better balance of protein, fibre and carbohydrates. Essentially, I will have to adopt a healthy diet (oh no!). If only french fries and ice cream didn't taste so wonderful.

I also found out my iron is low - not anemic low, just on the bottom edge of normal. So I will be getting back on the floradix, not that I went off of it on purpose - I just stopped remembering to take it.

Both these bits of news sort-of suck, but in the grand scheme they are terrific bit of news - the swift kick in the butt that the whole family needed to get back to eating well (which, for us, seems to be the key to doing everything else well). I'd been slowly, but loudly, trying to point us back onto the good food path - but since I didn't really mind eating crap food and drinking pop, I wasn't really pushing that hard. Now I don't have much of a choice.

I tend to function best when my choices are limited, so this is all a blessing.

just add it to the pile

I am tired. It is hot. I am hot and tired.



Looking around there are things I should do, and things I could do, and things I have to do, but getting up would mean sweating even more. And it wasn't even that hot out today - next week it'll be above 30C*. I am not a huge fan of heat, at all. I don't like to sweat - I have gotten over most of my "fat" baggage, but being a big sweaty fat chick is still one of those things that makes me anxious. It was suggested today that I look into sitting in a kiddie pool in a bikini - my plan for tomorrow is to sit in our kiddie pool in my one-piece (no 'kinis for me) and drink ice water and listen to whatever comes on the radio. If we get bored we'll hit the wading pool down the street.



This weekend I am going to look for a massive umbrella to park my ass under and tomorrow I will put together as many vegetarian no-cook recipes as I can find. Tonight the only thing I cooked was tofu and it nearly killed me. Also I need to find pants alternatives, I can not believe I didn't think to get shorts and capris for these long, fat summer months. I may need to push back some more projects and turn my two pairs of jeans into skirts. Or go shopping (I am deluded enough to think that when I do our budget we will actually be able to do that - hahaha - the heat must really be getting to me).

So I have projects that need doing and no drive to do them. One, for a swap, needs to be finished and sent out by Saturday. Andrew's birthday gift has been set aside while I wait for the perfect way to construct it comes to me. I have a super-secret party to go to on the weekend for which I wanted to make a gift - oh, AND, I really wanted to finish my mei-tai before the weekend to haul Boo around in when we gets tired of walking this weekend at folk-fest (attempting to avoid bringing the stroller). Daunting, no? It is already Tuesday.

My hope is that if we stay outside and cool all day tomorrow (save naps) the house will also stay dark and cool (and clean) and I will then not feel like I have oodles of excuses sitting in my way.

Oh, I forgot I am also getting my gestational diabetes screen done tomorrow morning. So tomorrow morning I get to sit with a bunch of strangers in a crowded waiting room, much too early in the morning, for an hour. Let's not forget the putrid orange concoction they make you drink. Thankfully, Andrew is taking Sebastian to work in the morning so it will just be me, and I will pack a good book and enjoy the peace. Afterwards I am going to come home and slither into the above mentioned kiddie pool.

Yesterday I froze some of Sebastian's toys inside various plastic containers and one empty milk carton - this will make for a fun afternoon activity! And tomorrow's omelet dinner shouldn't warm the house too terribly.

*30 degrees Celsius = 86 degrees Fahrenheit (thanks, Google)

babies and lists

Before Sebastian was born we compiled lists upon lists of all the things we would need to care for him. I had taken to reading too many pregnancy magazines and between those and the various pregnancy websites I visited daily, I was convinced I knew exactly what we would need, down to which brand/series/collection. There were things we knew we didn't need, crib bedding (unsafe), change table (unnecessary), rocking chair (no space) and things we knew we would definitely need, car seat, stroller, clothes - then there was all that stuff that fell in between, would we need an excersaucer, wipes warmer, or breast pump? And all the things we thought we needed and didn't use, the bouncy seat, the high chairs, the crib, and too many silly toys.

This time around we have the benefit of being second-time parents and the blessing(?) of having much less money. We have decided to keep things simple and easy, buy things that are high quality and will last a long time, buy second-hand the things we can, worry much less about style and much more about function. We have also been putting things off until we're sure we need them - so t-minus three months, we have a stroller, a crib (that needs re-finishing) a baby bath and two sleepers. Yup, that's it. We got rid of everything after Sebastian was born (everything? yes, everything.) we were that convinced we would always be a single-child family.

This week it hit me I only have three months left until I pop a new life out into the world, it seems like forever until I think about how quickly the last months have flown by. In no time my belly has popped out, I am cranky and craving and feeling the baby move every time I stop enough to notice. We need to start planning. Now.

I think I have been putting this off in part because I have been so intent on de-cluttering our space that I am anxious about bring more "stuff" into it. I have also simply been turning the challenge over in my head - how little can we get away with getting? Also, what do we wish we'd had with Sebastian? What was totally useless?

The list so far:

• car seat (convertible - good from infant to booster)
• swing (portable - something that won't take up too much space)
• baby monitor (we want to splurge here and get a really good one, we would likely still use one with Sebastian once in a while (kwim?))
  
• diapers (organic cotton pre-folds and covers)
• wonder wash and spin dryer
  
• baby carriers (pouch and mei tai)
• onesies
• cloths
• towels
• blankets
• mattress for crib
• weekly cleaning service (I am only half-joking)
• electric breast pump
  

what I love and all the work it takes

My house is clean, really, really clean. My husband is brushing my clean son's teeth before bed, all the toys are put away, the dishes are clean, dinner has been eaten and leftovers packed up for lunch tomorrow, my tea is steaming beside me. Later, when I climb into bed I will be so happy it is made.

A couple of books later...

I love my husband and the fact that he puts our son to sleep most nights - a tradition we developed early-on - I love that even though I have a sewing project I want to be working on (and will work on as soon as this is finished) I have nothing else I am neglecting to write this entry. I love that we had a great morning out at the family centre where I was allowed a blissful 45 minutes - hour of peace (with coffee and cake!) while someone else kept an eye on my son. I was not too sad when a tantrum right before story-time meant we had to leave early, I enjoyed my walk home and a having a little more time than usual to prepare lunch (I fully admit I let him watch an episode of Dora while I made lunch - I don't regret it). I love that I got to sit and enjoy a lunch with my son while we talked about his morning (kids, toys, trucks, trains) and that he listened and understood when I asked him not to play with his drink. I love that Sebastian is napping again. I love that when awake, he can play autonomously but also that he loves spending time with me so much.

I love my achy body and the knowledge that it aches because it works so hard, because I spent my day cleaning and cooking and playing. I love that nearly six months pregnant, my body can still lift my son, that it can still walk nearly everywhere (a little slower), that it can still cook and clean and enjoy the brief peace of a clean and quiet house. I love that later, when the sun is setting, I will be treated to at the very least a hug and more likely a back rub. I love that the man giving me those things is the man I love so much and who loves me so much he will run to the store late at night for ice cream or cookie dough.

I am writing this down because of the many times I forget that which I love, or worse resent it. I forget why I work so hard and how much of the payoff is mine alone.

a view from above - and other fun

The day that falls right between the weekends is usually a tough one for us. The excitement of the upcoming weekend not yet upon us and any feelings of rest or refreshment from the previous weekend have faded, no longer days where my one and only thought is "When will Andrew be walking through the (fucking) door??" Wednesdays are still long, exhausting days - especially when they start too early and are populated by a crabby, teething toddler and a crabby, tired pregnant lady. Thank goodness for friends, coffee, and switching my laundry day to Friday.

This morning Sebastian and I met up with two other mamas and their kids - we had a coffee and then headed over to the insanity that was the kerrisdale play palace. Now that older kids are out of school this place is a freaking zoo, not that Sebastian minded one bit - he had a blast running from activity to activity and even managed to stand in line once for the giant slide. Smart boy that he is, though, he saw the waste of waiting 3 minutes for a 10 second ride and chose instead to frequent the smaller slide on the obstacle course. I didn't get a whole lot of social time in, what with chasing him all over a full-sized arena littered with toys and small people, but I did manage to briefly catch up with a dad I had met back in New Westminster before we moved to our new digs. Turns out they also just moved and we now live about a dozen blocks apart. I am looking forward to getting to know him and his son better - my impression from our first few meetings is that he is a really cool guy and an awesome parent.

Sebastian and I shared a lovely picnic lunch on a hill beside a running track (his pick), we had tiny pb&j sandwiches with grapes and oranges for him and carrots a hummus for me, we split a V8 and I got a chance to sit back and watch him roll down the hill before we left. His very brief nap was spent neglecting my duties (I thought I had more time, really) and cruising the net, I re-stumbled on a journal I had found shortly before our Apple switch* called Chronicles of Me, starring the lovely and multi-talented Boho Girl. I read her words and at once she is totally human and completely other-worldly. I lost myself in her world for about and hour and before I knew it my son was unhappily awake and I needed to get my "mom" on.

I got our two bedrooms cleaned up before the little guy started to lose it, quickly tidied everything else (leaving dishes, much to Andrew's disappointment - "Is that really *two* sinks full of dishes?" "No... uh... (looking over) yeah, it is."), made some tea and packed up the stroller for a trip to the playground. There my tiny two-year-old son amazed me by climbing a 5+ foot children's climbing wall to get to the big slide:


After mastering that feat he took on the amazing "invisible staircase"- a series of monkey bars that step up to the slide platform:


He was super chuffed about this feat and repeated it two more times before a tiny slip near the end freaked him out a bit and he decided he would rather hang out a little closer to solid ground:


Lastly, a photo of what I see when I look down these days (note my feet are already no-where in sight... in four months I will likely be as big as a beluga - note to self: avoid wearing white):


*my favourites are still stored in some digital void somewhere, I haven't bother finding them because it would mean sorting my too many links. After today, however, I think I might, there are many things i miss and I think Kelly Hogaboom (easy to find because of her memorable name) might begin to think I am stalking her (I am)

22 weeks and counting - or what would you do for an extra 20 minutes in bed?

Lately I have still been feeling overwhelmed, but also feeling much more on top of things. My family continues to be well fed, eating primarily home-cooked meals and enjoying each-other's company.

Baby's first tattoo:


I have been reading The Mother of all Toddler Books by my favourite parenting author, Ann Douglas. I deserve a slap on the head for not picking this up earlier, I purchased both her pregnancy and baby books while entrenched in those periods and found them to be essential guides, covering every subject imaginable.

This book is no different - in two days of reading I have found jumping off points for discipline *and* interactive learning and play. It turns out that I, and to a lightly lesser extent, Andrew, are "Permissive Parents" of a mostly "'Difficult' or Spirited Toddler" (the quotes around "difficult" are the author's, not mine - most days here are difficult not "difficult"), but I sure would like to change that. In 48 hours I have shaken that horrible feeling that this would be our lives until he left for college (if he made it that far - I didn't at first).

I don't have any solutions or anything right now, but we do have a goal. We want to become "Authoritative Parents" to our spirited son. I see those types out all the time - hell, I know a few - but I have always had trouble grasping the style. My FOO was Authoritarian, to a tee, with a smattering of Permissive when I would spend time with my father*. I think children of divorce have it especially hard when it comes to sorting out their own parenting styles. These days there seems to be a better understanding of the importance of a united front with regards to parenting and disciplining the children of divorce - and huge kudos to my father who is doing an absolutely stellar job raising his second batch of kids along-side his ex-wife (literally, they live a few blocks apart). But back in the 80's, my parents were treading in mostly uncharted waters and I give them full credit for doing their best. I am a mostly well adjusted and healthy parent in a healthy marriage with a wonderful child. I am lucky that a few parenting issues, that my parents gave me the brains and emotional intelligence to be able to identify and address, are all I struggle with.

Also on my reading list are Ann Douglas' books on Mealtimes and Sleep as well as Elizabeth Pantley's book, The No Cry Potty Training Solution and a book of Vegetarian food ideas for babies and toddlers to supplement my re-reading of Sharon K. Yntema's Vegetarian Baby (we have a second edition copy - but it is essentially the same as the "New" one as far as I can tell - and the retro angle makes it that much cooler).

Now it is time to pull Sebastian away from Baby E*nstein, which we had shelved long ago as being too young for this kid (because, you know, he's a genius). He has happily watched the entire DVD, yelling out animal names and asking me questions - as much as I hate to admit it, I think he is getting more out of this than anything else we have around. I am going to keep an eye out for non-disn*y videos similar to this so that I can, hopefully, squeeze some extra in-bed time out of my mornings. If all else fails I know the library has a huge collection of these ones and it sure as hell beats Dora or Thomas the Tank. We have an appointment to meet our new family doctor at 10:00 and I want to get a little running around (literally) done before that.



*my father had a temper and would revert to total Authoritarian in moments of anger - boy does that sound familiar.

pregnancy update

I am feeling much more pregnant. I feel the baby all the time now - we have begun to talk names and Sebastian talks about (and to) the baby every day. My midwife assured me that most second-time mothers go through all the things I am going through and to try not to feel guilty about it.

I've been lying in bed a lot feeling and talking to the baby - and as much as I tend to focus on and feel the negative bits, I look at our future with a sense of optimism and eager anticipation. I can easily envision myself cradling "new baby" in a sling, I look forward to breastfeeding and even birth. To the wonders of meeting a brand new person and finding out all about them.

I have passed the half-way point and will be holding this baby before I know it.