In two and a half weeks, I am turning thirty. After some reflection I came to the realisation that I am not as calm about it as I outwardly project. My anxiety doesn't stem from the expected sources, I am happy with my body, happy with my family and really falling in love with many aspects of my life. My major anxiety comes from the memory that keeps popping up of my friend who killed himself last year, right after he turned thirty.
This will be a tough birthday, it coincides with our 5th wedding anniversary and bring up all these mixed-up memories. Sean introduced Andrew and I, Sean was Andrew's best man, Sean was Sebastian's favourite uncle and his godfather, Sean was
thirty. At times like these, I still get so angry that he wouldn't consider how his death would taint every special moment for me (am I selfish, or what?).
2 comments:
I dont think your selfish. I think there are many of us that are having the same feelings. I know that there are still many times when I am angry with him.
But to tell you the truth, i have a very strong feeling that his suicide had very little to do with him turning 30. Sean was the kind of guy that never seemed to worry about getting older. But embraced the wiser that came with it.
Happy early birthday Kate. Take Care.
I didn't know your friend - obviously. I do think those who make serious suicide attempts - and succeed - are in a place far different than the rational, thinking, loving mind can understand. Often their act is considered supremely "selfish". But they are suffering so badly I'm not sure it is relevant to hold them to account for the hurts of others.
Happy birthday. I hope you have a good one!
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