Monday, April 30

My week in notes Part 1

Monday: Nursing sunburn suffered at beach while out with Kristi and her family (awesome time!), picnic, adult talk, sun, sand and surf; the relaxing Sunday I think we all needed. Sebastian had such fun we decide to head back to beach - it is cool, quiet and lots of fun. Enjoyed some fake hot dogs from the concession and dug many holes.

Tuesday: Woke up feeling hungover. Odd since I haven't had a drink in months. Took tylenol, drank lots of water and felt better by the time we got to Granville Island to meet up with Heather and her kids. Sebastian was in a "mood" and threw a fit when I pulled him away from the Thomas the Tank train table inside one of the toy stores. I had left it to a point where I was just about ready to pee myself, so neither of us were in a state to be fucked with. But, I am bigger, so I won (yay me). Heather got there right after that and we walked over to the Market for lunch.

The sour mood continued, I gave the kid pizza (more junk food) and he decided he would prefer Jon-Jon's PB&J or Heather's dumplings. Thankfully he was relatively well-behaved and managed to sit long enough for me to plow through most of both our pizza slices. I bought Sebastian a kite for our next beach day and got home just in time for a nap.

Unfortunately it was cut short when Sebastian woke up scratching his forearms. He seems to be developing a bumpy rash, which I assume is from the shirt he was wearing. He hadn't worn it in months and it must have been washed in a detergent he is sensitive to. I gave him some Benydryl and put some lotion on the rash and tried to distract him with toys and songs and other fun things, to no avail. By the time Andrew came home we were both worn out and close to tears. A walk to find dinner took Sebastian's mind off his rash and helped me re-centre (oh why didn't I think of that???).

11:00pm: Sebastian comes into our room in tears, we thought it might be gas and massaged him before finally giving him ovol - gas gone, still up... maybe his teeth? He's getting his last set of baby molars and they have been bothering him steadily for a few days, the motrin I gave him this afternoon would have worn off by this time (midnight) so we wearily gave him another dose.

Again, still up (though, as with the gas, mildly less uncomfortable). Andrew notices that he is grabbing at his neck, gives the area a little rub and finds two... lumps, for lack of a better word. They feel a little like cysts- but we're flummoxed, are they something, are they nothing, what on earth do we do???

Wednesday: By this point (1:00ish) we are all bum tired, Sebastian seems to be calming down and falling asleep - I have yet to be able to find and feel the lumps and so am unsure as to how to react. S had an eczema flare-up this afternoon after wearing a shirt from the back of his closet that must have been washed in an evil detergent (we went through a few brands a couple of months ago looking for an "environmental" one that caused no issues). I thought the neck thing was likely just an extension of that as the shirt had a collar.

Anyways - I did finally feel the lumps - they are weird and inexplicable - and S has yet to be able to fall asleep. He kept waking up grabbing at the back of his head, so at 2:00am we decide to take him to the doctor's (likely a hospital since we *just* moved in and haven't found a 24HR clinic yet)... I want it to be nothing, but enough of something that they can help him (either by doing something or telling us what to do ourselves) and we can all sleep...

Andrew and Sebastian got home just before 4:00. Sebastian's lymph nodes were a little swollen and that is likely what caused the bumps on his head... The doc said not to worry unless the rash from earlier today returned with a fever - that combo could spell meningitis (especially scary right now because a local 15 year old just passed of this). I'm not too worried, though, and will keep going on with normal life unless things change. He slept well for about 4 hours and other than being a little sleepy he was right back to normal asking for PB&J and ice cream (breakfast of champions).

As the day wore on, Sebastian went from acting vaguely sick to acting fully bored and ready to rock. We had skipped out on any big activities but decided a trip to the coffee shop and park would be good for both of us. He played vigorously and happily, dashing any residual fears I may have still been harbouring. By the time Andrew got home he was just fine.

Off to a baby shower so will need to continue this later (realising my week was far more "exciting" than it seemed at the time).

Saturday, April 28

sunshine and daydreams

The sun came out and we spent the bulk of our day finishing our move. If all goes as planned we will be completely moved (including cleaning and painting the old place - which we are painting because Sebastian used the walls as his personal canvasses on more than one occasion) by the end of tonight.

Andrew and I split duties well today - in the morning Sebastian and I cleaned and played at the old place while Andrew brought a car-load of stuff to the new house; in the afternoon Andrew and Sebastian washed the car and Sebastian napped briefly while I did the down and dirty cleaning (like behind the oven... EW). At about 3:30 we were done all but the painting. We came home and decided that rather than unload the car we would play on the lawn - *our* lawn.

I am so in love with our new place - even while I am surrounded by mountains of unpacking and facing drawbacks like no storage (wasn't a problem until we got the christmas tree and camping gear in the house... now we have some serious thinking to do). We can tell Sebastian loves it too - he has all but forgotten about watching TV and will now happily play on his own while I get mama things done.

I have actually lost some weight since my last weighing ("officially" 239 last month w/ my midwife, but was generally hovering around 237). This week I got my trusty scale from the old place and excitedly stepped on only to be shocked when the digital readout told me I had plummeted to 230. I checked it four times - twice in a different room - and kept getting the same number. Now I needed to remind myself it was early morning and I had yet to eat or drink anything - nor was I clothed, I went back this evening and got a much less worrisome 235. I don't really worry about not gaining any weight this pregnancy because I am a) already "above average" and b) know I am eating good food, but a loss of nearly 10 pounds at this point (15 weeks) frightened me a little.

After stepping back and assessing things I have decided, however, not to worry one bit. I will continue to eat well and perhaps add a healthy snack, like the banana, bran and soygurt I just consumed, and take care of myself and trust that if anything is out of balance my body will let me know. I have been walking WAY more - an average of 30 minutes/day compared to... almost nothing, so I have a feeling that is a factor in all this. I feel fantastic! We've been going to the park (two blocks from a great coffee shop), we've been walking to the store, we've been playing and running and having such a great time. Sebastian's behaviour is still challenging, he is a spirited and stubborn child. He is fucking brilliant which is a blessing and a curse, he is so good at communicating what he needs/wants that when he does have difficulty it is traumatic. I am learning (finally) how to read when he is tired or hungry and how to behave when those factors are getting in our way.

It is odd to me - he and I are so close and had this fluid, effortless relationship for so long and when we lost that I had trouble adapting. Actually this whole last year has been a series of painful adaptations. I got to a point where I just gave up, why bother trying when everything was always changing. I hadn't begun to find my community yet, I was lost and lonely and depressed. We were always out trying new things, trying to find "our thing" and the pace of that really got to both of us.

This time around (as we have just moved away from our old thing and I am not willing to make the commute one or twice a week to get back there) I am going to take the search more slowly. It is spring now and the sunny days are coming more often - we're going to spend time at the beach (35 mins by bus), going on adventures (the farm, the aquarium, the pool) and otherwise we're going to hit the nearby parks and meet as many other families as we can nearby, so that when the rains return we will have all the playdates we could need. And if nothing else Sebastian and I plan to have a blast this summer as it will be our last as a duo.

My point is this time, with this change being as permanent as we can foresee, I am being more patient with Sebastian and am being rewarded with the gift of being able to better understand him. Andrew and I haven't been getting along nearly as well, but we're trying - and that's a step. I am being a pain-in-the-ass pregnant mother and he's being a pain-in-the-ass husband of a pregnant mother. I am hoping that once we're settled in things will even out. I have to work harder at not being a raging bitch - he very wisely walked away from a completely irrational argument over a lack of hot water and who had the right to shower. We then spoiled ourselves with a dinner from Capers (I would kill to eat their soup and salad every night); uncovered Sebastian's hidden love of quiche (YAY) and his distaste for pakoras.

On the potty front - we've not had a second success, but brought over his toilet seat ring from the old house tonight and he got a real kick out of sitting on it! He's so excited about the prospect of being out of diapers and now just needs to get past the learning curve. I am not pushing it on him - he'll be trained eventually, it looks like sooner rather than later, and I want to do what I can to keep this a positive and exciting experience for him.

Enough blathering - I need some tea and my bed. (Sometimes when writing I think of the Monty Python philosophy - if you don't know how to end a skit just blow something up. I wish I could figure out a clever way to do that with prose. Until then I will have to settle for the occasional, abrupt, enough-is-enough ending and tonight I give you one of those.)


Thursday, April 26


in the potty. Okay, well, he did it once and it was fucking awesome!

I noticed earlier this week he had started to say "mom" immediately before bearing down. So today when he was playing with dad he pulled his "mom" thing and Andrew sprinted to the potty with him to "complete the transaction" they were both beaming when they came out to tell me. In my excitement I picked Sebastian up to hug as Andrew gives me this look I can only interpret as "uh, that was a bad idea, Kate" and sheepishly admits he hadn't quite made it to the bum-wiping part of the process. So my new dress (which is cute as hell, by the way) has been christened and I am back in my uniform of jeans and a tank top.

I don't even care about the damned dress (it *is* cute as hell, though) - I am just so happy to welcome the "potty training" stage into our lives. I hate diapers (and the laundering of diapers) enough to seriously consider going diaper-free this time. We have been using disposables since moving day (nearly two weeks now) and the break from washing diapers is blissful (though I feel awful about the environmental impact- making our current potty endeavour even *more* timely). I have not quite figured out how to do the cloth diapers while using a laundromat, I just don't think it would be cool - even if the owners were okay with it I worry that other patrons would be grossed out by the thought of sharing their wash-space with diapers. Poop is a touchy subject no matter how emphatically you insist there is none present in the diapers you are cleaning. I digress... My point is that I am so very excited to get Sebastian trained and have set an imaginary deadline of whenever the disposables we have on hand run out (a couple weeks, give or take). After that we have some training pants tucked away and can sort something less disposable out for nights that can bee innocuously slipped into our weekly laundry.

In other news, I went shopping today (BAD KATE) and bought some new, uber-comfy maternity jeans. It is amazing how my requirements for pregnancy wear have changed in 2 years. Back when I was pregs with Sebastian I was all about the cute styles and wouldn't even TRY anything with a front panel. This time? Front panels *RULE* and everything I bought has loads of stretch. I do not want to grow out of clothes at the depressing rate I did last time. It is bad enough that I am getting fatter by the day- to then be confronted by a closet full of already oversize clothing that doesn't fit is crushing.

On today's shopping trip I also picked up some amazing chocolate-dipped gummy-bears (I am not ignorant enough to believe they are gelatin-free - just enough of an asshole not to care) and a bottle of oil that promises to soothe the savage child. It smells really nice, if nothing else, but I am hoping it will help during the late-afternoon "witching hour(s)" even if I am the only one it manages to calm.

Wednesday, April 25

nothing but rain

Okay, not nothing but rain. In fact the sun has been shining a lot lately and with it my mood is lifting.

I haven't written in ages because, frankly, I have been too bummed. I keep trying to write- I know for a fact that it helps me through times like these. But like so many blue funks before I instead retreated into aimless busy-work. Things like bouncing around or facebook or just wandering around the internet from curious article to curious article.

I have been taking in all the recent world changes, the deaths of people of historical significance, Kurt Vonnegut, Boris Yeltsin, the people of Virginia Tech... I have been hit over the head with the reality of global warming (though we all know we knew it long ago - we just thought our kids would be left holding the bag. Denial is a comfortable place.) My family's gone veg, something that's been a long time coming - I used my pregnancy to excuse my one jump off the wagon, I had a delicious steak while enjoying a free expensive dinner with one of my favourite mamas. We've moved to a new place much closer to EVERYTHING we moved to Vancouver for. We're struggling to adapt to a real budget that promises to get our debt-ridden asses out of the red one day. I am adjusting to my new dual role as baby-oven and toddler wrangler while simultaneously trying to restore order to our new abode. Life, as usual, is filled with highs and lows and I continue to handle them with my oft-unproductive, but dramatic flair.

On pregnancy - I have alluded to the fact that my pregnancy has taken more getting used to than I had anticipated. The reality is I went through what I realise now were the five stages of grief. Grief for the future I had lost, the plans I had made that would now be put on hold or altered entirely. All stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression - leading me to acceptance. I've been embarrassed to admit I felt this way. I really did want to get pregnant again. But I also really wanted my imagined life as mother of an only child. The relative ease with which I would be able to go back to school, how connected I imagined we would be, how we would travel and do things together... this reality isn't going to be a huge shift from that one (I hope) and I know that much of my desire to have him be an only child was to make up for my perception that I was the ignored older sibling of a much younger (half) sister. What I do know is that I can control how that all goes down as long as I stay mindful - a tall order for most parents. I have come to eagerly anticipate having a second child, though find myself just barely aware of my pregnancy much of the time. This attitude is so different from that of my first pregnancy that I often wonder if I "ought" to be more caught up in the"magic" of it all or if this "been there, done that" attitude is pretty normal.

Regardless of attitude the reality of my pregnancy is becoming more and more apparent. I have this odd counter-intuitive bodily reaction occurring where I am not gaining much weight (two pounds since getting knocked-up) but not one thing still fits well, I spend most of my days in my one pair of stretchy pregnancy jeans, the ones that keep my ever-expanding flubber contained in such a way as to simulate a cute pregnant belly, and on the days they're dirty I spend as much time as motherly possible trying to shove myself into something that doesn't make me look like the fat-ass I am (pregnant or not, I am a fat-ass). I desperately fight the urge to blow all the bill money on cute pregnancy clothes that I don't have to hold up with an elastic band. My mood-swings have lessened in frequency and severity but are still causing much tension chez casa del forsyth.

Tomorrow, Andrew is taking a sick day so that we can just bum about doing whatever we feel like (ignoring the packing/unpacking and cleaning/painting that require doing by end of month). I am looking forward to what I hope will be a day "off" for all of us. Dinner is already half-finished (leftovers from tonight's burritos will be mexican rice tomorrow), the house is tidy and all major chores have been done. I only counted nine boxes on my walk through tonight, and nothing essential in any of them. If the sun comes out (which is unlikely) we will hit the beach, if not we will grab coffees and got play at the park in the rain before looking for other ways to spend our time (I may, MAY, allow myself a modest shopping trip for another pair of pants and a shirt or two. I haven't decided yet), alternatively I pull out the sewing machine and start on a new mei-tai carrier for Sebastian. He's in a phase where he hates the stroller but can't walk all that far without needing a ride and my hips can't take much more of him riding on one side.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

Tuesday, April 10

Archives 2003-2007

Since I am making the move to blogger permanent I thought some of you might wonder where I've come from, where I've been. I've spent a good number of years on Livejournal and you can catch upon my past misadventures here (2003-2006) and here (2006-present).

Happy reading!

Sunday, April 8

spring ahead, fall back

I have made several big changes to my blogs over the years - last year I made the small leap to a new blog that continued to use Livejournal... I love LJ and the community feel of it - but, I think I have outgrown it somehow. I can't put my finger on anything specific, but it has been dogging me for a while now and I have known in my heart of hearts it was time to start fresh.

If you are a new reader and would like to gaze at the last few years of my life you can check out idyllia_is (my most recent home on the web) and theantibarbie (my first experiments in online journaling).

This journal will be a place to write and share and work through the changes I see coming and those just over the horizon. Spring 2007, like many before, promises to bring many scary and wonderful changes, I hope to face them all head-on and with dignity - but that will remain to be seen. I hope my friends enjoy this insight into my inner workings and I really hope none of you think much less of me for it.