Sunday, April 27

a poem

It was never your intention
to leave me feeling like I could not be
all that I could be

You tried to egg me on
to show me the greatness
you saw in me

I know you have always
thought I could be more

You were frightened
that I might end up
just like you (would that be so bad?)

You feel you failed me
by making the mistakes
that most folks do

Your only failure was
to dismiss all I am

I'm saying goodbye
to all I'm not
I think that you can too.

it's oh so quiet

It has been quite the lovely weekend here, all our chores are done, food for dinner is simmering on the stove and I got to spend a luxurious, if often interrupted, 11 hours in bed last night. Currently, three of the four inhabitants of my home are napping. The radio is on low, just enough to give the occasional hint of a song under the peaceful sounds of light rain.

The weather has been pretty brilliant, reminding me once again why we love living on the coast. Back home in Calgary, friends and family are recovering from last week's big spring snow. Here, my garden is mostly planted (with a few starts to go) and my new bike has seen some decent road-time. As I mentioned in my previous post, my mood hasn't been spectacular, but I can feel it lifting today.

A lot of cleaning happened this weekend, our first quiet one in weeks, and I feel the peace that comes with knocking some big items off my to-do list. This coming week promises to be full, but not hectic, and includes a visit with an old friend, a trip to the library, a session with my new therapy group, new neighbours (who are moving in right now), some sewing, and some gardening. It also brings my first one week challenge - to eat homemade all week (see sidebar). Last week, Andrew went without shower. He bathed with a bucket instead. It went really well, actually, and he's decided to keep it up, though not as strictly.

In other news, we've implemented a new time-management system that uses sticky notes on our (not magnetic) fridge. So far, so good - if it proves to be a success I will share the details. Family meetings are still a bit of a bust - gotta get those going again to save Andrew and I from the inevitable tension that develops when we both assume the other ought to be doing something they aren't.

Friday, April 25

just when you expect it - there it is

I think I had imagined that once my depression was "under control" I could just go back to life all la-di-da and have things roll the way I imagine they should. I didn't imagine it would be this long uphill battle with lots of sharp, pointy rocks. No, I thought it would be more like a pristine lake on which I would glide in a shiny canoe.

I have to give myself props for making it through this week without permanent injury, but boy was it a tough one. I've noted before that the week or so leading up to the end of the month is typically tougher, but have yet to figure out how to weather it without long moments of despair.

Tonight, with my kids tucked in and my belly full of cookie dough and cheap chinese food, I am retiring very early to tea, a couple episodes of Buffy and some well earned sleep.

Thursday, April 24

there's work to do, ma

Both kids are asleep, Andrew is off at some work dinner, the music is playing, I am showered and fed, and a long list of things to do.

Here's to my new favourite grown-up drink (Kaluha and So Nice Vanilla Chai Soy Milk) and a couple of hours dedicated to knocking off some chores.

- tidy shoes and hats
- clean kitchen
- clean bathroom
- file papers
- clear piles
- empty stroller

- clean fridge
- vacuum

Wednesday, April 23

things to do before I'm 30

Yup - I am having a bit of a crisis as the final year of my 20s flies towards me. Oh, the things I thought I would have seen and done by now... but time and circumstance (and let's face it, laziness) have left that list pretty much undone.

Not to be deterred, I have already begun my "Things to do Before I'm 40" list (well, I've started thinking about it), but I still have a nagging feeling that there are things that I'll regret not doing this coming year.

- read The Bell Jar
- read On The Road
- learn to snowboard
- learn how to build with cob
- sew a quilt
- fill my etsy store
- write a poem Sunday, April 27, 2008
- have an adventure (of the traveling type)
- spend an entire weekend away from my family
- get something published
- save $1000
- read all the Harry Potter books
- be on TV Friday, April 25, 2008

I have 12 months and 3 weeks - easy-peasy!!

Tuesday, April 22

you ever find yourself in the middle of doing something and wonder who you've become?

I am going to be on local TV this Friday morning as part of a segment on babywearing. Who am I?

Thursday, April 17

rocking out like it's 1997

I've been deeply reminiscent of late. It could be that I'm about to turn 29 or it could be that I've been watching TV and listening to music from "back in the day," but I feel like I am gaining some perspective on how far I've come in 10+ years.

As the fog of depression lifts, I am starting to feel intense pride in my life. Far from being perfect, I am instead a normal intelligent, ambitious woman. I'm not that scared, naive young girl I was. Nor am I the girl who can call her parents every time things get rough. I used to spend my days dreaming about my future, imagining the things I could do and see. I spent my days dreaming, but rarely did I spend them doing anything to achieve those dreams. Today, with more demands on my time, I am finally seeing the benefit of getting off my ass.

Being good at something has always been my dream. I mean being really, really, really good. Once, I wanted fame and fortune and the whole she-bang, why not go for the whole hog - it wasn't like I ever thought it would happen. But now? Now, I still crave those things sometimes, but the focus has shifted to being good at what I do. And what I do is live.

I didn't leave my career to have kids, I didn't have a career, nor did I want one. I have had jobs, but life for me has always existed apart from that. When a job stopped being any fun, I quit (or got canned) and moved on. The draw for me was merely two-fold, to hang out with friends and to make some money. I took the corporate ladder out for a spin once or twice, but it usually just got in the way. This feeling that my future was beyond all that gave me permission to slack off, dick around, steal, party and generally make an ass of myself. When my future arrived and I was unprepared, however, it was had not to berate myself for all my failures and infractions. It is only now I can see that while I have done many things, explored many avenues of expression and adventure, each choice has been a stone on the path that brought me here.

Here, things are not as I dreamed. I have loud and messy kids, I have vices and I have issues. I also have a comfortable home, a loving family, a few wonderful friends and a brighter outlook. I have a husband who has stood by my side as I've made questionable decisions, he has stood with me in the fall-out and has saved me from myself. I never expected that. I also still don't know where I'm headed - I didn't expect that either.

Wednesday, April 16

when did neurotic become normal?

So, my line of thinking runs like so: if I plan enough, everything will roll smoothly.

Plan. Enough.

I plan and plan and plan. I arrange systems. I think and dream and organise so much.

Yet, things do not get done.

Monday, April 14

hear the wind blow

Please don't think that because I'm never around that I have forgotten about you. I've been working on a few things, we'll see what comes about.

I have not been writing and that's okay. But I love it and miss it. I'm almost ready.

(postsecret - I want to believe someone wrote this about me, I want to remember to say it to my kids.)

Friday, April 11

in like flynn

I put down $200 on a refurbished bike from OCB and bought a second-hand MEC bike trailer for the kids. I'll pay the balance on the bike next Friday, and pick up helmets, locks, bells, etc. The guy who sold me the bike did all the work himself, he was so proud of this old Norco that is pretty pimp. I am excited because I can learn all about my bike and do the work myself, when it needs it. The bike rides like a dream and no one laughed when I admitted it had been at least six years since I last rode.

This summer shall be the summer of the bike!!

Wednesday, April 9

guests, invited and uninvited.

It has been a wacky day. We've had a string of these, some leaving us reeling, some leaving us exhausted, some leaving us completely satisfied and some accomplishing all three. These are the days we'll cherish. Today, more than most, strikes me as the type of day we'll look back on when we're wrinkly.

This morning began slowly. My happy daughter and I stayed in bed for hours, sleeping and snuggling, singing and laughing. Around 9:30, I slid out of bed. Rigby played happily in her seat, enjoying the warm steam from my long, hot shower. She then watched me clean the house in preparation for the evening's guests. Finally falling asleep to the hum of the vacuum.

I didn't get as much work done as I think I should have, but I certainly did more than I would on any other day. Besides, I had just done my monthly cupboard clean *and* the budget. So I did some "internetting", essentially, I sat at my computer checking websites to see if anything new and interesting was up. I added a few more pages to, I talked on the phone, I did my hair (though sadly, not my makeup), I cleaned the void normally filled with Sebastian's car seat, I got bags ready for Sebastian's karate class and my therapy appointment, I sorted out what needed to be done before dinner time and I got us into the car to run errands before it was time to get Sebastian from his sleep-over.

As I slid the keys into the ignition, I saw the dog. A small-breed dog, with no human and no tags, sniffing the grass. I almost drove off, but instead I got out of the car and walked up to the little guy. He was frightened, but friendly and came to me with a little coaxing. The only identification he carried was a tag confirming he'd had a rabies shot. I called the vet's office and the woman on the phone took my number to call the owner they had on file, but the owner did not pick up nor did they have an answering machine, I left my number with the vet and got back in the car, this time with a second passenger.

Now running late, I got the (very well-behaved) dog into the car and drove across town to pick up Sebastian. On the way I picked up a gas-station coffee and a chocolate bar. The dog was a hit with Sebastian, a few concerns about the pointy teeth ("Mom, maybe he was sharp teeth?") and his general distrust of most things furry, but the dog's friendly and calm demeanor quickly won him over. The four of us raced back to town, Sebastian asking a battery of dog-related questions, me eating a fast-food meal (which incidentally, was pretty yummy), and Rigby growing more and more agitated over not being fed immediately. We were supposed to be home close to 2:00 to meet Andrew and head to therapy.

hunger, having tuned out her When we pulled up, Andrew came out and climbed in the car. I'd actually forgotten Rigby'sscreaming 15 minutes before. We made it down the whole block before I realised what we'd done. I dropped Andrew off to check out another house that he knew to own a small dog. Back at our house, Sebastian declared that he did not want to go inside with me, then requested that I also stay outside. It was a nice day so I agreed and nursed Rigby in the front seat. We chatted more about the lost dog and then about his upcoming karate class. Child was so pumped.

Back on the road, Sebastian sat with the puppy in his lap (temporary name: Arthur - Sebastian wanted to name it Sebastian-Dog, but I managed to sell him on something less confusing). Arthur was happy to be pet, he strikes me as a very easygoing dog, used to the love of small children.

My therapy session went well, though I found out it would be my second to last and that fills me with some sadness. Andrew and Sebastian were not as lucky. Seems I miscalculated and the class doesn't start until next week. Making the most of a break in the rain, Andrew, Arthur and Sebastian played in a feild before picking me up from the hospital.

On the way home we stopped for some simultaneous errands. Rigby and I hit the grocery store for dinner fixings while the boys got wine and checked out a family eyeglass place. The optician pimped out Sebastian's specs with rubber ear "hooks" and silicone nose pads, and Andrew found the funky eye patches I'd been on about. Sebastian can now choose between camo print, cars and planes, stars and rockets, or sports balls - making this long-assed process a wee bit more fun*. We've not been as diligent as we ought to be as the responsible parents of a kid with eye problems, but from what I hear, slip-ups can be common.

Our dinner was lovely and we all marveled at our adorable and uninvited guest. The kids were rough around the edges, hungry and tired long before dinner hit the table. But we managed to make it all the way to ice cream without major incident. Dinner was simple and delicious, noodles with pesto, goat feta, grape tomatoes and olives, and a grain-filled, soft baguette with fresh hummus. Dessert, which did not make it out of the oven until Sebastian was in bed, was a delicious apple crisp Aly put together - served with vanilla ice cream (soy for me) and a raspberry and strawberry sauce.

I'm feeling pretty fat and happy. The dishes will keep until morning, as much as it pains me to leave them. Tomorrow will be another full day, something I am beginning to accept as my new normal.

*Just now I came across these fabric patches and I think I may try to make one for Sebastian.

Wednesday, April 2

pass the NyQuil

I've been having a shitty week. Actually, I've been having a shitty couple of weeks.

We've been sick on and off for too long. I am not getting the time I need to catch up and what time I do get I've been spending mindlessly wandering online or curled up in bed watching Buffy.

Last week, we celebrated Sebastian's third birthday with a small gathering of family and adult friends at my dad's place. It was nice and chill, Sebastian had a ball with some of his grandparents, aunts and uncles (both bio and acquired). There weren't a whole lot of big gifts (yay!) but there were enough to keep a kid busy. I pulled the party out of my ass and it turned out awesome! A special shout out to Aunty Dee, who saved the cake and my sanity.

After the birthday excitement was over, I just wanted to take it easy and catch up, but life doesn't roll like that and we've been busy busy busy - we found new tenents to live in the other suite in the house, we snagged some last-minute overnight childcare and celebrated Earth Hour with sushi and Uno. I've been staying up way past my bedtime, running just to stand still. Making sure that the bare minimum is getting done and really hoping for the desire to do some real work will strike.

Listening to the radio yesterday, there was a doctor on talking about drug-free therapy and preventative therapies. She gave some specific examples of ways to manage some diseases without *all* the drugs we've come to throw at them. Common sense stuff, eat well and exercise. That wasn't what stuck with me, it was a comment as the segment was ending, she said: "Don't wait to be motivated, because it will never happen."

With that in mind, this morning I am packing the kids up, grabbing some of Sebastian's new beach toys and hitting the sand. I don't want to go, I want to get back under the covers with tea and let Sebastian watch TV all day. But that isn't good for either of us and we will be at each-others throats by day's end if we go that route. The beach is good, no need to put on makeup, or even change out of my sweats, we'll get lots of fresh air and sun, there's lots of space for running and screaming, and best of all, no need to be social or worry about the spread of our disease to unsuspecting families.