Sunday, July 6

on life, hope and taking control

It is funny that most people describe things as spinning out of control, I think of it less as a spinny thing and more as a complete collapse thing. Everything falling apart, crumbling like old buildings in abandoned cities. Or flying. Sometimes it feels like flying - or more accurately, falling.

This depression thing that lives inside me, the thing that tells me to stay in bed and to eat and to check the stove a few more times just to make sure it is off, that thing sucks. It sucks the fun out of life and the will from my soul. And it just plain sucks. There's good news, though. Turns out I'm not willing to let it happen like that. Sure weeks of lounging in bed sound nice, but in reality it is dull and lonely.

Life is this funny, wonderful thing. Something I made special effort to bring into the world twice, I am not ready to turn my back on that. But there have been some dark, difficult moments. Flashes of decisions best unmade. Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of friends who have worked tirelessly by my side, pulling me back from the deep dark.

I thought I was better, but I'm not better, I am not even nearly better. But I am ready to fight on. All the hopelessness I see has another side. For all the big bad out there, there's as much goodness and hope. I feel it, in bits, between all the nagging self-doubt.

And there it is, self-doubt. I am doing this myself, my doubt is mine alone. Only I can answer it. I recently finished The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. Reading it, I saw glimpses of myself - no, I saw myself. I saw something frightening and I saw reasons to hope. In reading it, I realised that what I have been working with my whole life hasn't changed (merely magnified) and isn't likely to ever go away completely. The one thing I can do is learn to manage. And once I learn to manage, I can learn to use my unique skills to my advantage. Which will rock, because I know that when I put my mind to something, the results are amazing.

But, the first step is to manage - and that is an area I need a heap of help with. So I am going back to step one, I've been there before, I know the terrain, but I know there are things there I have forgotten, tools I can use. The part that has me frightened, is that this time I will only be accountable to myself. Sure, my family and friends will get the payoff of my not being broody and irritatingly thorough, but it is my life on the line.

In keeping with that, I am setting a goal for myself, I will read and put into action one section of the Self-Care Program that we used in therapy. I know it is helpful and it works, for a bit there things were really looking up, so it will be an excellent place to get started. I am also going to use my daytimer all week - I haven't been using it and I have been barely holding my shit together.

So, I've got life, hope and I am taking control*.

*of myself.

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