The veil of wretched sadness and insomnia has lifted to match the sunny weekend weather. I got things done, I baked, barbecued, cleaned (and cleaned-my house looks awesome), fell in love with a new TV series and got laid.
I even feel occasionally optimistic and happy. The first time it hit I actually had to sit down.
Someone close to me self-destructed and if I let myself, I could easily do it too. So I have been really pushing myself to push on, to keep at least one foot planted. I haven't exactly been successful, I have drank too much, isolated myself, been moody and irrational, and if I had kept pushing, I would have eventually pushed myself right off the edge.
I got some space this weekend, I spent it almost exclusively in the company of my daughter. She followed me around the house while I cleaned and listened to music. She loves it when I sing and is a fantastic dancer. I took time to take care of myself, took time to take care of my home, I even slipped in a couple cat-naps.
Time with my son has been exhausting. His curiosity and exuberance are traits I adore, but their execution has been far from reasonable. He is screaming out for attention and we've been this unpredictable blur. Thankfully, as Andrew put it on one really bad day last week: "In Sebastian's life, this will just be a blip." He went on to tell me I am an amazing and really good-looking mother.
Tomorrow will be another challenge, but I am ready to take it easy on myself and just make it through.