a poem

It was never your intention
to leave me feeling like I could not be
all that I could be

You tried to egg me on
to show me the greatness
you saw in me

I know you have always
thought I could be more

You were frightened
that I might end up
just like you (would that be so bad?)

You feel you failed me
by making the mistakes
that most folks do

Your only failure was
to dismiss all I am

I'm saying goodbye
to all I'm not
I think that you can too.

it's oh so quiet

It has been quite the lovely weekend here, all our chores are done, food for dinner is simmering on the stove and I got to spend a luxurious, if often interrupted, 11 hours in bed last night. Currently, three of the four inhabitants of my home are napping. The radio is on low, just enough to give the occasional hint of a song under the peaceful sounds of light rain.

The weather has been pretty brilliant, reminding me once again why we love living on the coast. Back home in Calgary, friends and family are recovering from last week's big spring snow. Here, my garden is mostly planted (with a few starts to go) and my new bike has seen some decent road-time. As I mentioned in my previous post, my mood hasn't been spectacular, but I can feel it lifting today.

A lot of cleaning happened this weekend, our first quiet one in weeks, and I feel the peace that comes with knocking some big items off my to-do list. This coming week promises to be full, but not hectic, and includes a visit with an old friend, a trip to the library, a session with my new therapy group, new neighbours (who are moving in right now), some sewing, and some gardening. It also brings my first one week challenge - to eat homemade all week (see sidebar). Last week, Andrew went without shower. He bathed with a bucket instead. It went really well, actually, and he's decided to keep it up, though not as strictly.

In other news, we've implemented a new time-management system that uses sticky notes on our (not magnetic) fridge. So far, so good - if it proves to be a success I will share the details. Family meetings are still a bit of a bust - gotta get those going again to save Andrew and I from the inevitable tension that develops when we both assume the other ought to be doing something they aren't.

just when you expect it - there it is

I think I had imagined that once my depression was "under control" I could just go back to life all la-di-da and have things roll the way I imagine they should. I didn't imagine it would be this long uphill battle with lots of sharp, pointy rocks. No, I thought it would be more like a pristine lake on which I would glide in a shiny canoe.

I have to give myself props for making it through this week without permanent injury, but boy was it a tough one. I've noted before that the week or so leading up to the end of the month is typically tougher, but have yet to figure out how to weather it without long moments of despair.

Tonight, with my kids tucked in and my belly full of cookie dough and cheap chinese food, I am retiring very early to tea, a couple episodes of Buffy and some well earned sleep.

there's work to do, ma

Both kids are asleep, Andrew is off at some work dinner, the music is playing, I am showered and fed, and a long list of things to do.

Here's to my new favourite grown-up drink (Kaluha and So Nice Vanilla Chai Soy Milk) and a couple of hours dedicated to knocking off some chores.

- tidy shoes and hats
- clean kitchen
- clean bathroom
- file papers
- clear piles
- empty stroller
- clean fridge
- vacuum

things to do before I'm 30

Yup - I am having a bit of a crisis as the final year of my 20s flies towards me. Oh, the things I thought I would have seen and done by now... but time and circumstance (and let's face it, laziness) have left that list pretty much undone.

Not to be deterred, I have already begun my "Things to do Before I'm 40" list (well, I've started thinking about it), but I still have a nagging feeling that there are things that I'll regret not doing this coming year.




- read The Bell Jar
- read On The Road
- learn to snowboard
- learn how to build with cob
- sew a quilt
- fill my etsy store
- write a poem Sunday, April 27, 2008
- have an adventure (of the traveling type)
- spend an entire weekend away from my family
- get something published
- save $1000
- read all the Harry Potter books
- be on TV Friday, April 25, 2008

I have 12 months and 3 weeks - easy-peasy!!

you ever find yourself in the middle of doing something and wonder who you've become?

I am going to be on local TV this Friday morning as part of a segment on babywearing. Who am I?

rocking out like it's 1997

I've been deeply reminiscent of late. It could be that I'm about to turn 29 or it could be that I've been watching TV and listening to music from "back in the day," but I feel like I am gaining some perspective on how far I've come in 10+ years.

As the fog of depression lifts, I am starting to feel intense pride in my life. Far from being perfect, I am instead a normal intelligent, ambitious woman. I'm not that scared, naive young girl I was. Nor am I the girl who can call her parents every time things get rough. I used to spend my days dreaming about my future, imagining the things I could do and see. I spent my days dreaming, but rarely did I spend them doing anything to achieve those dreams. Today, with more demands on my time, I am finally seeing the benefit of getting off my ass.

Being good at something has always been my dream. I mean being really, really, really good. Once, I wanted fame and fortune and the whole she-bang, why not go for the whole hog - it wasn't like I ever thought it would happen. But now? Now, I still crave those things sometimes, but the focus has shifted to being good at what I do. And what I do is live.

I didn't leave my career to have kids, I didn't have a career, nor did I want one. I have had jobs, but life for me has always existed apart from that. When a job stopped being any fun, I quit (or got canned) and moved on. The draw for me was merely two-fold, to hang out with friends and to make some money. I took the corporate ladder out for a spin once or twice, but it usually just got in the way. This feeling that my future was beyond all that gave me permission to slack off, dick around, steal, party and generally make an ass of myself. When my future arrived and I was unprepared, however, it was had not to berate myself for all my failures and infractions. It is only now I can see that while I have done many things, explored many avenues of expression and adventure, each choice has been a stone on the path that brought me here.

Here, things are not as I dreamed. I have loud and messy kids, I have vices and I have issues. I also have a comfortable home, a loving family, a few wonderful friends and a brighter outlook. I have a husband who has stood by my side as I've made questionable decisions, he has stood with me in the fall-out and has saved me from myself. I never expected that. I also still don't know where I'm headed - I didn't expect that either.

when did neurotic become normal?

So, my line of thinking runs like so: if I plan enough, everything will roll smoothly.

Plan. Enough.

I plan and plan and plan. I arrange systems. I think and dream and organise so much.

Yet, things do not get done.

hear the wind blow

Please don't think that because I'm never around that I have forgotten about you. I've been working on a few things, we'll see what comes about.

I have not been writing and that's okay. But I love it and miss it. I'm almost ready.

(postsecret - I want to believe someone wrote this about me, I want to remember to say it to my kids.)

in like flynn

I put down $200 on a refurbished bike from OCB and bought a second-hand MEC bike trailer for the kids. I'll pay the balance on the bike next Friday, and pick up helmets, locks, bells, etc. The guy who sold me the bike did all the work himself, he was so proud of this old Norco that is pretty pimp. I am excited because I can learn all about my bike and do the work myself, when it needs it. The bike rides like a dream and no one laughed when I admitted it had been at least six years since I last rode.

This summer shall be the summer of the bike!!