Thursday, April 17

rocking out like it's 1997

I've been deeply reminiscent of late. It could be that I'm about to turn 29 or it could be that I've been watching TV and listening to music from "back in the day," but I feel like I am gaining some perspective on how far I've come in 10+ years.

As the fog of depression lifts, I am starting to feel intense pride in my life. Far from being perfect, I am instead a normal intelligent, ambitious woman. I'm not that scared, naive young girl I was. Nor am I the girl who can call her parents every time things get rough. I used to spend my days dreaming about my future, imagining the things I could do and see. I spent my days dreaming, but rarely did I spend them doing anything to achieve those dreams. Today, with more demands on my time, I am finally seeing the benefit of getting off my ass.

Being good at something has always been my dream. I mean being really, really, really good. Once, I wanted fame and fortune and the whole she-bang, why not go for the whole hog - it wasn't like I ever thought it would happen. But now? Now, I still crave those things sometimes, but the focus has shifted to being good at what I do. And what I do is live.

I didn't leave my career to have kids, I didn't have a career, nor did I want one. I have had jobs, but life for me has always existed apart from that. When a job stopped being any fun, I quit (or got canned) and moved on. The draw for me was merely two-fold, to hang out with friends and to make some money. I took the corporate ladder out for a spin once or twice, but it usually just got in the way. This feeling that my future was beyond all that gave me permission to slack off, dick around, steal, party and generally make an ass of myself. When my future arrived and I was unprepared, however, it was had not to berate myself for all my failures and infractions. It is only now I can see that while I have done many things, explored many avenues of expression and adventure, each choice has been a stone on the path that brought me here.

Here, things are not as I dreamed. I have loud and messy kids, I have vices and I have issues. I also have a comfortable home, a loving family, a few wonderful friends and a brighter outlook. I have a husband who has stood by my side as I've made questionable decisions, he has stood with me in the fall-out and has saved me from myself. I never expected that. I also still don't know where I'm headed - I didn't expect that either.

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