a bit about us

We've been busy - fall snuck up on us unexpectedly and here we are, two weeks away from my due date, scrambling to get everything done (I am still holding out hope that I will get a quilt done - how deluded am I??).

Things with Sebastian have gotten better, then worse, and now better again. I flip-flop between thinking he is a perfectly normal two-year-old - to thinking that there must be something wrong with him because he can be a bully and doesn't listen (etc.), then I remember that whatever is going on is perfectly normal for him and I need to manage myself and my reactions instead of expecting him to be anything but totally naturally HIM.

I have been much calmer the last few days and it is paying off - our nap time battles have continued, but he has napped three of the past four days. Today I tried something from left-field, we tried guided imagery. I asked him to imagine he was a fish, swimming through the water and blowing bubbles (deep, long breaths) - I did this while gently holding him and rocking, keeping myself very relaxed and calm. It took a little time, but he eventually calmed right down and went to sleep in his "cave" under the blankets. He went to sleep smiling - something he hasn't done in ages - and I felt so relaxed afterwards. I really, really, really hope this works again tomorrow!

In other Boo news, he has a wandering eye (strabismus), it came on slowly and we just assumed he would grow out of it, but lately it has become much worse and he barely seems to use his right eye anymore, allowing it to rest, peacefully, at his nose instead... I haven't talked about it because I have been having a hard time adjusting to it. It sounds so lame, I know, but he's my perfect child and it took some time for me to come to terms with. Typing that, and knowing the difficulties other kids have, I sound like an effing idiot. The good news is we have an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist November 20, and there's a good chance his eye will correct without surgery, and some of his issues with over-stimulation and frustration may be connected and therefore also be "fixed"... but there is also a chance he'll need surgery, and that things may get worse before they get better, and that it may never be completely fixed.

Oh what else?? We've started using cloth diapers again and are using our Wonder Wash and spin dryer to clean them. It has been a bit of a learning curve, and we let laundry get ahead of us last week - something we will NOT be allowing to happen again (that was a bad, bad day). Sebastian has adjusted well to the cloth - better than we'd hoped, though I still think the change will bring him back to a point where he is willing to re-visit the potty (things got hairy and we quit trying to train, decided he just wasn't ready).

I am preparing for my home birth, but just found out I am group B strep positive... not a huge deal, my midwife can administer antibiotics at home, if I opt for them BUT if I do opt for them I will have to get my first shop in hospital, in case of a bad reaction. This is only an issue because it would mean a) leaving my home in labour and b) driving across town (two towns, actually) to the hospital I am registered at (there are closer ones in case of an emergency). We have childcare lined up as well as a friend to act as support for Andrew and I. Tonight or tomorrow I will pick up my home-birth kit and we will officially have everything we "need" to get this party started (though I am not averse to waiting a little longer... remember the quilt).

Enough babble. On to the HO (click to zoom):


note the entirely inappropriate button (from mehoi.com) holding my sweater together.


carefully picking every chocolate chip out of the otherwise almost healthy oatmeal cookie


this photo is my entry for mother of the year - he is actually eating those noodles off the floor - in my defense I had only requested he pick them up - I said nothing about eating them


playing with the colour accent feature on my camera while S played at the playground

I can understand why some animals eat their young

As I sit in my (mostly) clean, dimly lit living room, listening to some nice ambient music and waiting for Andrew to finish putting Sebastian to sleep, the day we just endured an already fading memory, I wonder why I waste so much energy getting annoyed with my son.

He will be off to school in five minutes, an adult tomorrow, a parent next week - will the fact that on October 1, 2007, he refused to nap and began every screaming sentence with the statement "NO, I don't like ___" matter? Or will a million other things happen between now and then? Over the course of parenthood I will have plenty of opportunity to be angry, annoyed and frustrated. I will also have a million opportunities to choose not to get angry, not to yell, to instead, handle myself with poise and dignity. The fact that these last months I have done more yelling than listening will not permanently scar my child - not if I don't let them. What I mean is, as long as I am working towards something better - and as long as this yelly-mom state is temporary - than things will be just fine.

I've begun reading a book I found at the thrift store last weekend, titled Positive Parenting A-Z and already I feel like it has some light to shed on what has been going on lately. I haven't made it to the A-Z part yet (where it covers "everything" from Adoption Issues to Zoo (and other outings)) but began reading through the concepts of positive parenting and can see places where I, usually with best intentions, have been more permissive than positive - with a bit of angry authoritarian thrown in for good (bad?) measure.

I'm all funned out

Another exhausting week under my belt.

Sebastian and I have been somewhat at odds and his newest trick is screaming at the top of his lungs until my ears bleed. Its been "fun" and he has a future as a metal singer. Think of all the groupies - lucky kid!

Speaking of headbanging, he's taken up that habit again. It seems to be indicative of a great leap forward cognitively, so I am reluctant to make a big deal out of it. But I hate it so much. The payoff seems to be his ability to put together ever-more-complex ideas and sentences. Currently they are mostly of the "Mom, can I please have ____," or "Dad, can I please go to ____?" He has also started telling stories, complex, rambling, sometimes not-quite-sensical stories. His imagination is really blossoming- which is likely the most fascinating and fun thing we've witnessed so far.

Last week he hosted a tea party for a few, select stuffed animals. It started off normal enough and evolved into something a little more Mad Hatter.


We've also visited the science centre, the beach, Granville Island, the beach, and today plan on going to a nearby lake park. The weather looks shit, but we're going anyways - I don't think hanging out inside is such a great idea.

I've dusted off my trusted Mommy Mantras book and a few choice mantras are helping me start to find my peace again*.

Now I'm off to find a pair of pants that fit and convince my son that wearing socks with boots is a good idea.

*curious? "I am not Buddha" has helped remind me that sometimes simply getting through the day is good enough; "Bring it on" has helped me harness my strengths and let go of my insecurities and negative self-talk and get on with getting on (piles of dishes, laundry, empty fridge and a screaming toddler? bring it on!); and "Soften to the feeling" essentially it means I recognise a negative feeling (or reaction to a negative situation) and instead of bristling against it, I just acknowledge it and move on. What I could really use is a night off, a visit from a house cleaner, a few meals cooked for me, time to sew, the company of adults and an uninterrupted night's sleep. Until hell freezes over I will make do with a few mantras in my pocket.

insert title here

We've been having a great time. Yesterday was a trip to the beach with friends - well worth the drive across town - Sebastian has really taken to the ocean. After being too frightened to go within ten feet of the water's edge as recently as April, he will now venture in on his own as long as one of us is close behind. He laughs as each wave cools his body with a mix of amusement and wonder that only a toddler can produce. It is musical and contagious, as hard and stoic as I have been lately - that laugh got me going.

I have been taking life much too seriously. I have been taking myself and my position as household matriarch too seriously. Every flaw is fatal, every shortcoming or mistake bringing me to a dead stop. Moving so quickly I look like I am standing still - until one day I found I really was. Just standing still.

It is a problem I think I have had my whole life. I over-analyze, I rehearse hypothetical situations in my head until I can't remember what is memory and what is fabrication, I see all challenges as my own Everest, all failings as further proof of my un-worth. I have always looked outside myself for acceptance and assurance.

Having a kid is like having a life-line, being the primary care-giver for a child has a way of consistently bringing me back from the edge. Sebastian is my blessing. When I get too caught up in myself, in my internal dialogues - he manifests it. He is this tiny, loud, projector that reminds me when I am falling off the path - and I love him for it. I worry that this role is somehow fucking him up in ways only intense therapy later in life will correct* but considering the family he was born into, therapy later in life is likely a given.

He has been "a terror" - he has been a frustrated two-year-old. A smart, funny, caring, energetic two-year-old. His current weapon of choice is the loud, screamy, shouting "NO!" Guess where he got it from? I used it on him first, so it really is fair game - working on lessening its use means minimizing its power. This means that I can not use it** and when I look at why I had been using it, I find it is primarily because I have been feeling too fat and lazy to properly handle difficult situations (from hitting to running off to grabbing food off the grocery store shelf). The second step is that I will have to find ways to take its power away from Sebastian - this is less cut and dry.

I have been trying to ignore it, but that technique is losing its power as Sebastian has discovered the magic of escalation. If yelling doesn't get mom to react, I will try yelling plus throwing things. At some point I have to react and as soon as I react the simple ignoring has lost its power. Simple ignoring seems to be best saved for situations like whining. I think a mix of calm reaction, coupled with polite, firm, reminders that yelling is not how we communicate. And lets not forget the power of paying attention to him as in, before he gets frustrated, taking the time to listen and help him articulate what he wants/needs and responding to those needs in a loving, supportive fashion. Sounds pretty simple.

We are also working on potty learning, though I am still being a lazy ass about it. I think part of the problem is our switch last spring back to disposables, not only do they allow Sebastian much longer before he becomes uncomfortable, they also take away that urgency that cloth held. In cloth diapers, as soon as I knew he was wet/dirty, I knew I had to change him - otherwise I would have to face changing his entire outfit. Now, I know, but I know it can wait until the timing is more "convenient" (wet diapers only) - Andrew and I have talked in depth about getting a "Wonder Wash" - a hand-powered portable washer - so that we can switch back to cloth diapers. I think it is something we should do - but we have a very long list of those things and they are all getting a little lost. But for now, with what we've got, we're stuck with disposables and I think I just have to accept that we will go though potty bootcamp - and soon, if we want to be through this before new baby comes.

Must. stop. making. excuses.***


*Sebastian, I promise you that I will pay for any therapy you need. It is the least I can do, sweetpea.

**except in dangerous situations when a staccato NO is totally appropriate- and because it should be something that will stop a child in their tracks - it is just another reason to halt its regular use

*** but I'm so GOOD at it!!!

sweet child of mine

We finally got a bed.

On Sunday morning I had to call Andrew into the bedroom to help my fat ass out of bed - that was the final straw, it was time to get a real bed. That's it up there, we love it. It ended up being a joint birthday gift from Andrew's parents and my dad - good for us, because while we could technically afford it (or half of it) it is better for us not to be out any money. I still need to book a plane ticket to Calgary for my 10-year High School reunion - and save some money for it too (it is at a bar, so I doubt I will be spending much. But I will need cab fare and a haircut.)

The bed is great and I find it much more conducive to sleeping (and getting up); it has the added bonus of making our room look more like grown-ups sleep there. The new bedroom look, combined with my sewing shelf's sudden suicide*, inspired me to make some more changes. Yesterday, I moved a shelving unit from Sebastian's room into the living room and stocked it with toys and most of what was living on the shelf (90% OPPs). The toys cover a wide age span and are specifically for when we have playdates, but also give the man something to do in the living room while I work (other than watch DVDs on the laptop). Over the next few days I will fill the tiny dresser to the right of the shelves with easy-clean craft stuff (crayons, paper, tape), Sebastian has recently discovered the joy of crafting and I am all about encouraging that.

before:


after:



Sebastian's room also got a total makeover, I disassembled his train table and put the play part of it under his bed (easily accessible but totally out of the way). His stuffed toys now live inside his little red tent - an arrangement he wholeheartedly endorses - and his easel now doubles as storage, with vintage apple crates below it holding miscellany. Things are just a little more organised (a place for everything) and spread out. We managed to fill a bag with stuff to donate and another with stuff for the new baby. Under better storage conditions I would put aside half his toys for "turning over" - but we have literally zero storage space, my hope is that by switching locations and rotating things to more visible areas regularly, we can achieve a similar effect.

Speaking of Sebastian, I am starting to worry that my hermit-ness is adversely affecting him. He has been asking, daily, to play with other kids - but when he is around other kids his behaviour is unpredictable and unstable. I think because he is so excited and a little unsure of how he is supposed to act. Last week, after about a week solid of hermiting, we went to the family centre where Sebastian uncharacteristically hit and pushed a child, then threw a toy.

Since then we have made more effort to get him out and social - but still haven't done much. We went to the mall on Friday where he played quite well in the "play pit" there, the weekend was rather kid-less but we did get in a visit with Sebastian's aunts (who are still kids in my book), my dad and his partner. Today a friend and her daughter came over. Sebastian was thrilled but was also a little overwhelming (even after an early morning run around the playground to burn off some energy). All in all I would say it was a good visit - more stressful than I like, but not so bad that I'm worried Kristi will never want to come back.

This week we have plans to go to the Family Centre again (not affected by the strike - woo!!!) and the weather seems to be clearing up - so there is a park playdate on tomorrow's agenda with a new meetup.com group.

*while I was talking on the phone to the lovely people at Aeroplan (who informed me my many points expired three years ago - oops.) the other big black ikea shelf jumped off the wall, narrowly avoiding my head and Andrew's laptop. The woman on the other end of the phone was hilarious - apparently I screamed a swore a *lot* when it happened.

before:


after:
(note the neighbouring holes from shelf number one (above the picture that could be Walt Whitman, but apparently is not) - I think the remaining shelf got lonely and decided to call it quits. They have been reunited under the bed.)

so sweet it hurts

We had a lovely, productive day today that included an oil change, the purchase of some new plants for the garden (sunflower, basil, two cucumbers and sage), a haircut for the mister, an hour and a half at Andrew's office (specifically the foosball table equipped lunchroom) while he dealt with an issue, a trip to the market and a simple, but enjoyable dinner (soup, salad and sandwiches). A nap was attempted, but ultimately sabotaged when I insisted we move him from the car to the more eco-friendly stroller, my mistake lay not in the move itself, but I then brought him into a noisy, crowded mega-store. Thankfully our near constant activity kept him in good spirits and he is now off to sleep with Andrew.

Tomorrow's father's day plans are set and the only secret surprise is that I am going to let Andrew decide in the morning whether or not he would like to join us. The alternative being a rare opportunity to stay in bed for a few hours. I know he will enjoy whichever one he chooses and am choosing to wait until tomorrow to ask him, as he will be more likely at that point to be realistic about what he wants without worrying about what I might want him to say*.

A follow-up to this morning's entry: Sebastian pooped in the toilet!!! He asked for a diaper, Andrew put him on the potty and after a couple of books he dropped a nugget... we were all dancing and high-fiving and there may have even been some hootin' and hollerin'.

I am continuing to read The Mother of all Toddler Books, and loving it. I hit a point in the discipline chapter this afternoon that talked about ten effective methods of discipline - prevent problems from occurring in the first place, find creative alternatives to saying no, offer a substitute, offer a distraction, give your toddler the opportunity to make choices, allow your toddler to experience the natural consequences of his actions, master the art of selective ignoring, be generous with your praise, discipline your child verbally (as opposed to non-violent but physical - ie. physically removing a child from a situation), and give your child a time out - and then listed three that don't work very well - threatened abandonment, bargaining, and spanking - I can happily say we use many from the first list , but am also sad to say we often use two of the three from the last list. Thankfully, we get the chance to change our own behaviours.

I am hoping that our trip this week will give me some time to formulate a "plan" with Andrew - start talking about what our discipline toolbox will include and what we will work to stop doing. It feels odd to me to actually have to work at this - I don't have a clue why I didn't think I would ever need to, but I have to admit that I thought I would just "be a natural."

*Andrew, if you read this later I would like you to know that I really am cool with either response - on one hand you are far more into botanical crap than I am and will likely enjoy taking pictures of the flowers, on the other you deserve a night in. As far as I am concerned, with my sisters along, I have no "need" for you along. I have Sebastian-supervision well covered and the timing of our trip means he will be sunshine and daisies anyways.

22 weeks and counting - or what would you do for an extra 20 minutes in bed?

Lately I have still been feeling overwhelmed, but also feeling much more on top of things. My family continues to be well fed, eating primarily home-cooked meals and enjoying each-other's company.

Baby's first tattoo:


I have been reading The Mother of all Toddler Books by my favourite parenting author, Ann Douglas. I deserve a slap on the head for not picking this up earlier, I purchased both her pregnancy and baby books while entrenched in those periods and found them to be essential guides, covering every subject imaginable.

This book is no different - in two days of reading I have found jumping off points for discipline *and* interactive learning and play. It turns out that I, and to a lightly lesser extent, Andrew, are "Permissive Parents" of a mostly "'Difficult' or Spirited Toddler" (the quotes around "difficult" are the author's, not mine - most days here are difficult not "difficult"), but I sure would like to change that. In 48 hours I have shaken that horrible feeling that this would be our lives until he left for college (if he made it that far - I didn't at first).

I don't have any solutions or anything right now, but we do have a goal. We want to become "Authoritative Parents" to our spirited son. I see those types out all the time - hell, I know a few - but I have always had trouble grasping the style. My FOO was Authoritarian, to a tee, with a smattering of Permissive when I would spend time with my father*. I think children of divorce have it especially hard when it comes to sorting out their own parenting styles. These days there seems to be a better understanding of the importance of a united front with regards to parenting and disciplining the children of divorce - and huge kudos to my father who is doing an absolutely stellar job raising his second batch of kids along-side his ex-wife (literally, they live a few blocks apart). But back in the 80's, my parents were treading in mostly uncharted waters and I give them full credit for doing their best. I am a mostly well adjusted and healthy parent in a healthy marriage with a wonderful child. I am lucky that a few parenting issues, that my parents gave me the brains and emotional intelligence to be able to identify and address, are all I struggle with.

Also on my reading list are Ann Douglas' books on Mealtimes and Sleep as well as Elizabeth Pantley's book, The No Cry Potty Training Solution and a book of Vegetarian food ideas for babies and toddlers to supplement my re-reading of Sharon K. Yntema's Vegetarian Baby (we have a second edition copy - but it is essentially the same as the "New" one as far as I can tell - and the retro angle makes it that much cooler).

Now it is time to pull Sebastian away from Baby E*nstein, which we had shelved long ago as being too young for this kid (because, you know, he's a genius). He has happily watched the entire DVD, yelling out animal names and asking me questions - as much as I hate to admit it, I think he is getting more out of this than anything else we have around. I am going to keep an eye out for non-disn*y videos similar to this so that I can, hopefully, squeeze some extra in-bed time out of my mornings. If all else fails I know the library has a huge collection of these ones and it sure as hell beats Dora or Thomas the Tank. We have an appointment to meet our new family doctor at 10:00 and I want to get a little running around (literally) done before that.



*my father had a temper and would revert to total Authoritarian in moments of anger - boy does that sound familiar.

baby steps

I've been going on and on about how miserable I have been feeling and I wanted to share (as well as record for posterity) our tiny successes today.

This morning we slept in a little, found out the library we wanted to go to didn't open until noon and quickly came up with an alternative. S helped me make lunch (he threw the lunch bag on the floor and then ate a piece of cheese, all after sticking our little ice-pack down his pants).

We went to this thing called the play palace that has bouncy castles and ride on toys and a toddler "pit" with a house and a kitchen and padded floors. It cost us less than a fancy coffee ($3.65) and was only a 15 minute drive away. Sebastian played well with the hoards of other kids with minimal intervention on my part (I was alternating between hovering and engaging for all but the 15 minutes it took me to down the coffee I had brought from home). We took a lunch break when he started getting "the crazy" and happily moseyed back in for a 15 minute wrap up. He was all about leaving - we played the "what are you missing?" game, but couldn't resist a mad dash into the arena while I tied my shoes. Thankfully as I dragged him out of there he accepted my explanation that shoes were not allowed and so that was why he could not stay and play any more.

you know, for kids:


We were then able to drop off our overdue movie rentals *and* hit the library right at noon to pick up most of my long list of toddler re-programming books. We also grabbed a few board books, two dvds and 2 cds for S while he munched a clandestine snack and drank his pre-nap milk. In the five minute drive between the library and our house he faded fast.

Arriving home I decided to forgo emptying the car and just grabbed my wallet, keys and the boy. We came inside, he politely requested a diaper change and I took the opportunity to also change him into his PJs. He wasn't exactly happy, knowing that the change of clothes meant he was doomed to nap, but I stayed wonderfully calm and distracted him with three books of increasing sleepiness (10 little ladybugs, happy babies and g'night moon). We rocked for what seemed like forever - my poor back - and both times he thrust himself away from me I calmly held him tight and told him I didn't want him to fall. We rocked until he was calm enough to lie down without getting excited again, read g'night moon one last time and went to sleep. All told it took us only 30 minutes.

I figure I should be able to get a solid two hour nap out of him, giving me time to write this entry, get the bags out of the car, make a snack, plan dinner and maybe even start reading one of the books I brought home (though I won't hold my breath).

Thanks to the words and support of many friends, both on and off-line, I am feeling much clearer and calmer today. I just wanted to say thanks!

you have just come to a sad realization, cancel or allow?

I have, over the course of my career as a mother, been accused many times of being a "great mother." And while I don't argue with that assessment most of the time, in recent months my work has been short of stellar. I can lay down the reasons and the excuses, but the hard fact remains that things need to change.

I had the luck today to be graced with the presence of not one but two great friends, one a mother, one not, who both did their part in helping with what I am currently going through. The first hour of the visit it was just my mama friend, her daughter, Sebastian and I, we played and drank coffee and I tried to make a little more sense of yesterday (and the preceding months). Sadly I was distracted by my unusually (though less so lately) badly behaved son. It made me really sad to see how he socialised with a long-time friend of his and it hurt me to think that his often off-putting (within his peer-group, at least) behaviour was the result of the things I had done.

I am not someone who expects her kids will be perfect, though I do expect they will be polite, respectful and gentle the majority of the time. I don't want to be the mother who lords over her child constantly to ensure he is not giving another child a bloody nose... but in recent times I have become that mother. And I yell, oh boy do I yell - not always angrily, but loudly... he just has such amazing selective hearing. And it drives me batty: you can't whisper "chocolate" within 20 feet of him, but you attempt to get the kid to pick something up and suddenly he doesn't understand the language.

I don't know what exactly it is we need to do, but a great change is in the making. Over the last 2+ months, since we decided to move to Vancouver, things have gotten worse and worse. Our routines are currently non-existent, as is our (his and mine) play-time. Most days I just want him to play in the background while I attempt to get something done (I say something, but nothing ever gets done - that's another issue). The way I see Sebastian has gotten unhealthy for both of us as has the way I see my job. Things are not about to change, what with another coming and no real way I would a) make enough working outside the home to cover daycare expenses and b) ever actually want to. This stay-at home gig has been the awesomest thing I have ever done - truly the first thing I have ever believe I could be really great at. So what's happening?

We've fallen out of our routines, routines that had become such a part of our lives we did them without thinking. Since we started packing and cleaning and cleaning and unpacking all that has gone out the window. Sebastian is our canary in the mine, letting us know how bad it has gotten. And while Andrew and I have definitely seen the symptoms we have been urgently trying to control those without considering the bigger problem at hand. Mainly the psychological and physical needs of a smart, active two-year old being unmet. I forget that we often did simple crafts together, went out and were social with other kids (2-4 times a week), went for nature walks, played, talked... we were best buds and I could anticipate many of his needs and desires before they caused problems. This isn't to say things were great then either - bringing up a kid, as I hear, is hard work no matter how you throw the dice. No, the difference was, more often than not, we were having fun. Sure I left him to his own devices a lot - but that was only because everything we did otherwise was as a duo (trio on weekends). Sure he had issues with all the things kids do as they climb the developmental ladder, but we handled each situation as it came to us in the best manner we could (or could think of).

As two approached and as our move approached things changed. He kept growing and evolving, but as a parent I stayed pretty stagnant. We would try and succeed with things here and there (time outs), but mostly I was complacent. Lulled by the fact that we have an amazing kid. A tipping point came where our symbiotic relationship became almost non-existent and we were instead two creatures simply trying to take what we needed (or wanted) from the other.

I don't know if it was weaning that tipped us over - but it has been his persistent requests for "boobah" that turned on the light for me. That physical closeness, as much as I resented it near the end, was so important to us and was something that once lost desperately needed a stand-in. Sitting and cuddling isn't currently an option as he and I both bore of it quickly and get squirmy (well, he squirms, my mind wanders). I think, today, I hit on our substitute though, and it is so smack-on-the head obvious, reading. Yup, that's it, reading.

I hope the rest comes as easily.

Back to today, my non-mama friend came over about half-way through the afternoon. She is incredible with kids and her presence allowed me to relax a bit more - but I still found myself in these spots where I would just have no fucking clue what to do or say. Usually after painting myself into a corner with words and finding myself at a point where I need to wonder - do I ignore the behaviour now because it just isn't worth the fight? Or do I follow through? I found myself looking around for answers, but there were none to be found - I am mom and the buck really does stop with me. Fuck. My self-confidence is still struggling to rebuild itself, which is a horrid place to be when you have a kid because all of a sudden, like it or not, the kid has the power.

This friend and I talked briefly before she left, she has a way of probing me and asking the questions I want to avoid that I find so invaluable. While talking to her things cleared up a little more for me and my blind optimism started taking a tangible shape.

I am not happy with how things are right at this instant (if it isn't obvious already) but I am optimistic. We have recovered from so many things, Andrew and I, we have learned so much and even had the balls to decide to bring another baby into our lives. Failure is not an option, so the only path leads up. The "sad" realisation is that it is going to take a whole bunch of conscious effort to undo the last three months. Happily we realized that now and not a few more moths down the road when added change (on top of the impending sibling) would have made things much harder. We'll start by setting out things like a schedule and some simple and more complex goals - we have given this operation the code-name "DPB" for deprogram boo. Books and spreadsheets will be used. We mean business (if you couldn't tell from the fancy codename).

Things really will be alright - this is a hiccup, a little one at that. I am relieved to have had the other shoe drop so that I can see everything as it is.