Ugh.
Really.
What a week. So much is going on, my mind has been racing, my actions have not been mindful, I've been operating on adreneline, anxiety and caffiene.
Today I realised I'd burnt out. I called my doctor and left her a message stating in my disconnected way that I think I have fallen backwards. I don't think, I know. I was trying so hard to maintain the high of the last while, where I was handling things well, doing things, working hard... too bad I'd stopped working on ME.
Showing posts with label unfinished. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unfinished. Show all posts
Thursday, February 7
Wednesday, February 6
the weight of the world
There is so much I want to write - so many things I want to talk about. My life is still a mess, a pretty mess, but a mess. The world is still falling to peices right before our eyes. I've been cooking some great, healthy, cheap food. Parenting is still tough.
But when I sit down my mind goes blank.
Rather, it becomes a wall of white noise, so many thoughts screaming out at once, picking just one idea out of the din is going to take more energy than this tired woman has been able to muster.
But when I sit down my mind goes blank.
Rather, it becomes a wall of white noise, so many thoughts screaming out at once, picking just one idea out of the din is going to take more energy than this tired woman has been able to muster.
Tuesday, February 5
peeling off my mom pants
I've been trying so hard to figure out what to write here. Things are moving so quickly in my life. Rigby is already three months old. She is teething and will put anything she gets her hands on into her mouth. Sebastian will be three in less than two months, we're potty training (having set a deadline for ourselves of three, back when three seemed so far away). It is insane, we have no idea what we're doing. And this kid is super keen to pee on the pot, but not poop.
I hear it is normal, but just because many kids do it doesn't make cleaning various stanky articles of clothing any easier. We've switched back to cloth diapers for both kids. We've been using disposables for a little longer than I am really prepared to admit - but I am letting go of my guilt over our frivolous waste.
I am letting go of a lot of guilt.
Which is really hard and really quite necessary. It is going to take a while before I'm willing to let go of my guilt and anxiety over my home. I am proud of my home when it is clean and organized.
Tuesday, January 1
douze - non défini
Why do I feel compelled to start the year off with a list of things I don't like about myself and want to change?* It feels like a duty of the adult - the kid in me thinks it is simply absurd. I am going to borrow an idea from some women wiser than me and make mine a list of things I am and things I aspire to be. I don't know if that changes anything at all, but it might.
1) I love myself.
2) I care deeply about my impact on the environment and do things to lessen it. I walk when I can, I reuse, I recycle, I bring my own bags to the shops and I compost.
3) I am a calm and patient person. I am compassionate and empathetic.
4) I am a writer. I practice writing daily so that I can grow up to be a good writer.
5) I make clothes for my kids and what I can't or don't make I get second-hand.
6) I am funky, I have funky kids, but I'm not worried about being trendy or cool.
7) I spend my downtime working on worthwhile endeavors. I rarely flit about the internet aimlessly. I sew and knit and read.
8) I am frugal, I save money by shopping in thrift stores and by owning less stuff. I shop responsibly and limit waste. I put the money I save to good use by paying down our debts. One day we will be debt-free.
9) I buy organic food. I rarely buy meat, but the meats I do buy are either organic (beef, chicken, etc) or wild (salmon). I always buy organic eggs and milk.
10) I am humble and seek out wisdom and knowledge. I meditate and do yoga.
11) I am organised enough to keep on top of the necessary and manage to have some kind of social life. I rarely lose my keys. My house is tidy. My bathroom is clean.
12) I can read and understand simple French.
That's it. I could likely go on (and on and on). Some of the list is stuff I already do/am but want to keep consciously working on. Some of it is stuff that I imagine would make me a better person, or happier and more complete. I have no time for resolutions that weigh me down (like the one that says I want to lose weight), so they're gone this year.
*last year's list hit about 45 and could have kept going
1) I love myself.
2) I care deeply about my impact on the environment and do things to lessen it. I walk when I can, I reuse, I recycle, I bring my own bags to the shops and I compost.
3) I am a calm and patient person. I am compassionate and empathetic.
4) I am a writer. I practice writing daily so that I can grow up to be a good writer.
5) I make clothes for my kids and what I can't or don't make I get second-hand.
6) I am funky, I have funky kids, but I'm not worried about being trendy or cool.
7) I spend my downtime working on worthwhile endeavors. I rarely flit about the internet aimlessly. I sew and knit and read.
8) I am frugal, I save money by shopping in thrift stores and by owning less stuff. I shop responsibly and limit waste. I put the money I save to good use by paying down our debts. One day we will be debt-free.
9) I buy organic food. I rarely buy meat, but the meats I do buy are either organic (beef, chicken, etc) or wild (salmon). I always buy organic eggs and milk.
10) I am humble and seek out wisdom and knowledge. I meditate and do yoga.
11) I am organised enough to keep on top of the necessary and manage to have some kind of social life. I rarely lose my keys. My house is tidy. My bathroom is clean.
12) I can read and understand simple French.
That's it. I could likely go on (and on and on). Some of the list is stuff I already do/am but want to keep consciously working on. Some of it is stuff that I imagine would make me a better person, or happier and more complete. I have no time for resolutions that weigh me down (like the one that says I want to lose weight), so they're gone this year.
*last year's list hit about 45 and could have kept going
Sunday, December 9
funk-a-dunk-a-dunk
Yesterday was spent cleaning house and catching up, but by this morning there was more to do (as always) and more snow was falling.
I don't like snow - I don't like being cold, I don't ski, I don't like driving on snow, or walking on it and most of all I don't like the way it feels like the whole world is shades of grey and white, where the day only differs from the night by a faint hint of sun. I don't hate it, I love bundling up in soft sweaters and drinking warm drinks, staying inside or visiting friends. But when I wake up after too little sleep to a cold and messy house and glance outside and see nothing but grey it takes a whole lots of will-power not to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
I did get up, but so far have been unable to shake off this faint funk.
I don't like snow - I don't like being cold, I don't ski, I don't like driving on snow, or walking on it and most of all I don't like the way it feels like the whole world is shades of grey and white, where the day only differs from the night by a faint hint of sun. I don't hate it, I love bundling up in soft sweaters and drinking warm drinks, staying inside or visiting friends. But when I wake up after too little sleep to a cold and messy house and glance outside and see nothing but grey it takes a whole lots of will-power not to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
I did get up, but so far have been unable to shake off this faint funk.
Thursday, December 6
All our time with other kids has left the entire family fighting a cold - right now my babes are sleeping it off, thank goodness, but I have work to do and my brain is so full of snot it isn't funny.
I took advantage of my diminished sense of smell and cleaned out the fridge for the first time since Rigby was born. It was seriously gross, I am not a fan of throwing out food but with all that's been going on we were left with a ton of produce that was purchased and then left to rot.
I took advantage of my diminished sense of smell and cleaned out the fridge for the first time since Rigby was born. It was seriously gross, I am not a fan of throwing out food but with all that's been going on we were left with a ton of produce that was purchased and then left to rot.
Wednesday, November 14
what do you mean it isn't friday???**
I am beat.
Seriously, in what kind of cruel world do I get slammed with a cold so soon after bringing new life into this world? I only hope that my diet of coffee and cookie dough will be sufficient to slay this beast, and soon.
I know I've been whining a lot - I have actually been avoiding posting on here for fear of sounding whiny, negative, ungrateful or depressed and annoying or worrying my friends and family who don't see me every day. Not that the people who do see me every day are any less worried - I admit I am a bit of a sight with my unkempt hair (dudes, it is fall in Vancouver and I have frizzy hair and *no time* for styling, this mop-like-thing on my head is just what happens, trust me I don't like it any more than you do. At least it proves I am showering!!), my dirty, ratty, mismatched clothes (Rigby is a master-spitter, this afternoon, in fact, after my shower, I decided to go naked for a while - to save creating more laundry) my under-eye bags (nope, not sleeping - quel shock, non?) and my gnarly cold symptoms that include a nasty cold sore, runny nose, strange voice and lack of patience (I am not good at being sick, which is why I generally avoid it). And I complain, a lot... it is a wonder no one has staged an intervention (yet) - but rest assured, I am pretty certain I am not falling into the depths of postpartum depression and am, instead, reacting pretty typically to the stresses in my life.
I wrote a little bit ago about wanting to find things to work on - the first has been to get organised again. There was a brief point in time, most of 2006 and a little bit of 2007, where I was almost meticulously organised, at least on paper, and if imperfect, the system did ensure I payed my bills mostly on time and that Sebastian and I had a pretty regular schedule that worked well for us. Then it fell apart, I was pregnant, we were really broke, there was nothing to do because of the civil strike, I was all-consumed by the act of parenting one child while growing another, I lost my desire to cook (or eat the foods I had cooked)... it fell apart. This last week or so has been spent trying to figure out, through a haze of insomnia, how to get back on track. I have found new love for iCal, preferring it to Google Calendar simply because my laptop and phone can sync with the click of an icon and my schedule is always at my fingertips. I had also grown immune to the handy reminders Google would send me via SMS, which was really the initial selling point. Anyways - I have been slowly inputting things of importance into my calendar, figuring out meal plans and budgets in the mean time - getting everything centralised and organised. And now that all the set-up is done it is time to move on to the next couple of goals.
Namely setting up a regular, weekly schedule for the family (with room for spontaneity, of course) and creating healthy and affordable meal plans*. I am trying not to over-fill our weeks, while still giving Sebastian the kind of stimulation that keeps him nice and sweet. It is a delicate balance, since a tidy portion of our recent outings have only served as fuel for my growing insanity (and his future therapy). We decided last week that the Library is a good morning errand - we have found a library we love, so of course it is in the next town over. And we're going to try out some of the community drop-ins, revisiting the ones we used to frequent and finding new ones. Last winter Sebastian and I really thrived when we had three regular, consistent, morning activities and two "days off." He got to go out and be around other kids and I got to talk to other adults. It left us both feeling fresh and able to manage the rest of our days.
So I am working on a schedule
*a side note that I may have already mentioned - we have gone back to having our groceries delivered - it costs more, but given my general state of overwhelmedness it seemed like a good idea in the short-term.
**I wrote this very shortly before admitting I was, in fact, having heaps of trouble managing and could not do it on my own. I debated scrapping the post, or finishing it and posting it - but given how much has happened between then and now I decided to leave it unfinished, exactly as it was left last week, a testament to how hard I was trying to maintain my denial and delicate facade of competence.
Seriously, in what kind of cruel world do I get slammed with a cold so soon after bringing new life into this world? I only hope that my diet of coffee and cookie dough will be sufficient to slay this beast, and soon.
I know I've been whining a lot - I have actually been avoiding posting on here for fear of sounding whiny, negative, ungrateful or depressed and annoying or worrying my friends and family who don't see me every day. Not that the people who do see me every day are any less worried - I admit I am a bit of a sight with my unkempt hair (dudes, it is fall in Vancouver and I have frizzy hair and *no time* for styling, this mop-like-thing on my head is just what happens, trust me I don't like it any more than you do. At least it proves I am showering!!), my dirty, ratty, mismatched clothes (Rigby is a master-spitter, this afternoon, in fact, after my shower, I decided to go naked for a while - to save creating more laundry) my under-eye bags (nope, not sleeping - quel shock, non?) and my gnarly cold symptoms that include a nasty cold sore, runny nose, strange voice and lack of patience (I am not good at being sick, which is why I generally avoid it). And I complain, a lot... it is a wonder no one has staged an intervention (yet) - but rest assured, I am pretty certain I am not falling into the depths of postpartum depression and am, instead, reacting pretty typically to the stresses in my life.
I wrote a little bit ago about wanting to find things to work on - the first has been to get organised again. There was a brief point in time, most of 2006 and a little bit of 2007, where I was almost meticulously organised, at least on paper, and if imperfect, the system did ensure I payed my bills mostly on time and that Sebastian and I had a pretty regular schedule that worked well for us. Then it fell apart, I was pregnant, we were really broke, there was nothing to do because of the civil strike, I was all-consumed by the act of parenting one child while growing another, I lost my desire to cook (or eat the foods I had cooked)... it fell apart. This last week or so has been spent trying to figure out, through a haze of insomnia, how to get back on track. I have found new love for iCal, preferring it to Google Calendar simply because my laptop and phone can sync with the click of an icon and my schedule is always at my fingertips. I had also grown immune to the handy reminders Google would send me via SMS, which was really the initial selling point. Anyways - I have been slowly inputting things of importance into my calendar, figuring out meal plans and budgets in the mean time - getting everything centralised and organised. And now that all the set-up is done it is time to move on to the next couple of goals.
Namely setting up a regular, weekly schedule for the family (with room for spontaneity, of course) and creating healthy and affordable meal plans*. I am trying not to over-fill our weeks, while still giving Sebastian the kind of stimulation that keeps him nice and sweet. It is a delicate balance, since a tidy portion of our recent outings have only served as fuel for my growing insanity (and his future therapy). We decided last week that the Library is a good morning errand - we have found a library we love, so of course it is in the next town over. And we're going to try out some of the community drop-ins, revisiting the ones we used to frequent and finding new ones. Last winter Sebastian and I really thrived when we had three regular, consistent, morning activities and two "days off." He got to go out and be around other kids and I got to talk to other adults. It left us both feeling fresh and able to manage the rest of our days.
So I am working on a schedule
*a side note that I may have already mentioned - we have gone back to having our groceries delivered - it costs more, but given my general state of overwhelmedness it seemed like a good idea in the short-term.
**I wrote this very shortly before admitting I was, in fact, having heaps of trouble managing and could not do it on my own. I debated scrapping the post, or finishing it and posting it - but given how much has happened between then and now I decided to leave it unfinished, exactly as it was left last week, a testament to how hard I was trying to maintain my denial and delicate facade of competence.
Thursday, November 8
okay - I am just fucking exhausted
I have this "do it all" attitude - I feel like a failure because since my ill-fated tuna pie (that did become pretty yummy tuna stew) I have not coked anything more involved than a grilled cheese sandwich and organic spaghetti-o's. My excuse is not a lack of food - I managed on Monday to complete a rather successful trip to the grocery store. I had a meal-plan. I had it all together... and yet...
Andrew and Sebastian just walked in the door with chicken from a chain (not KFC, but not much better).
Andrew and Sebastian just walked in the door with chicken from a chain (not KFC, but not much better).
Saturday, November 3
baby steps
Our family is now "complete," Andrew and I are finished procreating and are truly comfortable with that (please save me the "oh just you wait"s).
So now we're faced with the task of finding some measure of balance after months of backtracking. Between the time I got pregnant (January) and Rigby's birth (last week) we went from doing pretty well (vegetarian, local/organic foods, very few processed foods, little trash, etc.) We were pretty new to being so conscious, only two year before we had been living the typical consumer lifestyle, filling our home, body and brains with junk. Sure we had already started cutting back - hippifying, as it were - but, for example, while I was pregnant with Sebastian I lived on Taco Bell, slurpees and penny candy. We lived off our debt, even though we both had decent jobs - we couldn't make it from pay day to pay day without borrowing from ourselves.
Since then we have managed to make some great strides towards economic and ecologic responsibility. We've had our share of slip-ups - but none as complete as the slips we have taken in the last months of my pregnancy.
So now it is on us to turn things back around - and quick, too. I'm not thinking a difficult or daunting total overhaul, rather there are a few very small, but very changing steps to be taken. And I feel that now is the best time to implement changes - while already adjusting to a different life and before the stress and pressure of Christmas hit.
So now we're faced with the task of finding some measure of balance after months of backtracking. Between the time I got pregnant (January) and Rigby's birth (last week) we went from doing pretty well (vegetarian, local/organic foods, very few processed foods, little trash, etc.) We were pretty new to being so conscious, only two year before we had been living the typical consumer lifestyle, filling our home, body and brains with junk. Sure we had already started cutting back - hippifying, as it were - but, for example, while I was pregnant with Sebastian I lived on Taco Bell, slurpees and penny candy. We lived off our debt, even though we both had decent jobs - we couldn't make it from pay day to pay day without borrowing from ourselves.
Since then we have managed to make some great strides towards economic and ecologic responsibility. We've had our share of slip-ups - but none as complete as the slips we have taken in the last months of my pregnancy.
So now it is on us to turn things back around - and quick, too. I'm not thinking a difficult or daunting total overhaul, rather there are a few very small, but very changing steps to be taken. And I feel that now is the best time to implement changes - while already adjusting to a different life and before the stress and pressure of Christmas hit.
Friday, October 12
so after all that...
Not that I am not feeling together. My system for getting back into my systems may not be perfect but I did manage to get a crap-load done yesterday and today including:
- finally catching up on laundry (it has been a week since we were caught up last)
- going to the library in Richmond and getting books about babies for Sebastian
- making our loan payment early
- reading a bit more of Birthing From Within
- packing Sebastian's birth bag (in case he decides he doesn't want to stay with us during the birth or we end up transferring to hospital)
- make letters and lists to save me from having to think or direct while in labour
- finish reading at a minimum the section of BFW where they describe pain management techniques
Saturday, October 6
"baby wants out"
I can see the end of this strange journey into second-time motherhood. The proximity of the end of the path surprises me because I have been so removed from the process of pregnancy this time around. This pregnancy has passed without the frantic studying of obstetrics my last pregnancy brought, it has passed without worrying about the music playing inside my uterus, or hearing and feeling every movement. It has passed without a constant counting down of days. The days, weeks and months have passed on their own - my body has grown and changed with my knowing at every moment exactly what is happening - my faith in my primal ability to grow and birth a child have been nearly unwavering.
This isn't to say I have been completely removed or ignorant of what is happening, it is just to say that so much else is going on I haven't been paying the same attention I did last time.
Initially, I waded through denial, I just could not believe I was pregnant again. Then, as pregnancy became less deniable, I found myself caught up in the combined processes of moving, raising a toddler/preschooler, domesticity, and maintaining a sense of self. Lost were the sense of wonder and excitement that filled most of my days when I was pregnant last, replaced instead by the feeling of juggling plates - fragile plates, cherished plates, so many plates...
All were dropped, some broke, some chipped, and some have managed to make it through miraculously, or at least seemingly, unharmed. I do not regret anything - I mourn my friendships, but also know that I have time for that. My relationship with my son is still strong, though often rocky - my relationship with my husband could be described similarly. My house has gone through periods of absolute chaos and absolute cleanliness, it tends to slip into a happy medium that might be a few steps from my ideal, but a happy medium nonetheless.
This isn't to say I have been completely removed or ignorant of what is happening, it is just to say that so much else is going on I haven't been paying the same attention I did last time.
Initially, I waded through denial, I just could not believe I was pregnant again. Then, as pregnancy became less deniable, I found myself caught up in the combined processes of moving, raising a toddler/preschooler, domesticity, and maintaining a sense of self. Lost were the sense of wonder and excitement that filled most of my days when I was pregnant last, replaced instead by the feeling of juggling plates - fragile plates, cherished plates, so many plates...
All were dropped, some broke, some chipped, and some have managed to make it through miraculously, or at least seemingly, unharmed. I do not regret anything - I mourn my friendships, but also know that I have time for that. My relationship with my son is still strong, though often rocky - my relationship with my husband could be described similarly. My house has gone through periods of absolute chaos and absolute cleanliness, it tends to slip into a happy medium that might be a few steps from my ideal, but a happy medium nonetheless.
Tuesday, October 2
tidbits
Don't tell anyone - but Pandora is working and I *love* it.
There is a whole lot of stuff fluttering around this old, tired, mangled brain of mine - half-composed blog posts, craft ideas, parenting stuff... but right now, all that I can hear (besides my brilliant son reading his Thomas the Tank Engine book) is "ow, oof, sleep??? eat??? babybabybabybabybaby... wait, what??? huh?? where am I again??"
Today was a good day, productive, positive, and best of all - almost over. The morning was spent at the laundromat - well, first I got up and made tea while Sebastian slept in again, then eggs and toast for breakfast, a quick load of diapers in the ol' wonder wash (yes, we love it), a very quick tidy and *then* off tot he laundromat to wash all the things we'd bought at the thrift store on the weekend.
While there Sebastian intimidated, but then befriended a slightly younger little boy. Together they played with cars and playdough under the very patient gaze of the young boy's cool mama. They had a nice time and I got the mama's number, so hopefully we can do a real playdate soon.
Then it was home for lunch and a NAP - just yesterday I was convinced he would never nap again and then today he decides a nap would be swell. I used the time to clean, shower, put some laundry away and watch Rushmore... I *heart* Wes Anderson.
There is a whole lot of stuff fluttering around this old, tired, mangled brain of mine - half-composed blog posts, craft ideas, parenting stuff... but right now, all that I can hear (besides my brilliant son reading his Thomas the Tank Engine book) is "ow, oof, sleep??? eat??? babybabybabybabybaby... wait, what??? huh?? where am I again??"
Today was a good day, productive, positive, and best of all - almost over. The morning was spent at the laundromat - well, first I got up and made tea while Sebastian slept in again, then eggs and toast for breakfast, a quick load of diapers in the ol' wonder wash (yes, we love it), a very quick tidy and *then* off tot he laundromat to wash all the things we'd bought at the thrift store on the weekend.
While there Sebastian intimidated, but then befriended a slightly younger little boy. Together they played with cars and playdough under the very patient gaze of the young boy's cool mama. They had a nice time and I got the mama's number, so hopefully we can do a real playdate soon.
Then it was home for lunch and a NAP - just yesterday I was convinced he would never nap again and then today he decides a nap would be swell. I used the time to clean, shower, put some laundry away and watch Rushmore... I *heart* Wes Anderson.
Sunday, September 9
the more things change, the more they stay the same
Last night I attended my ten-year high school reunion. I was a small affair held at a sports pub and attended by a very interesting and ecclectic mix of people.
Friday, August 31
tiny little fists of fury
First a little update from yesterday - Andrew came home early and arrived just after Sebastian woke up. The two of them went out and picked up Indian take-out and a bottle of wine (neither of which we could afford, but I am so not complaining). We had a lovely little dinner and I nursed my glass of wine while Sebastian and Andrew played outside. I got a bunch of work done on a very pressing sewing project. We totally meant to go to bed early, but I ended up staying up and basking in the great support of a bunch of online mothers. I got a very nice email from a good friend who I haven't seen in months that brought me to tears. I feel so much better knowing that I am not defective - I am really glad I shared.
And now, back to those tiny fists of fury.
I mentioned yesterday that Sebastian has taken to hitting - it comes and it goes, and has since he became mobile. While I really hate seeing him do it, and *loathe* the feeling of impotence
And now, back to those tiny fists of fury.
I mentioned yesterday that Sebastian has taken to hitting - it comes and it goes, and has since he became mobile. While I really hate seeing him do it, and *loathe* the feeling of impotence
Monday, June 4
Monday, May 28
I really miss "sick days"
I doubt sick day will ever mean the same thing to me again. There was a time when I could take a day off to sit on my butt and re-centre, recover from a hang-over, or,occasionally, recover from illness. Now when I have a sick day it is a day spent caring for my offspring while he recovers from illness, doing any variety of things that might help - renting videos, making soup, cuddling, nose-wiping, bum-wiping, book-reading, whine-filled trips to deserted parks (to avoid spreading too many germs) or long walks (that with luck end with a napping baby and a coffee-break for mom) - and the concept of taking a sick day for myself is completely alien.
I have been "understandably" run-down due to the whole baby-making gig, but this last week I have also been fighting off the hints of a cold. I awoke Saturday with a sore throat and headache that got both mildly better as the day wore on (and with the addition of only two tylenol). Sunday was the same, though the evening brought the symptoms back with a vengeance. I am thankful that one both days I have parental backup and I could do a little less. I actually thought I had licked the damned thing when this morning I awoke with a barely aching throat... then I tried to move. My body is achey all over and feels profoundly tired. I think this is a side-effect of all the work it has done fighting off my cold, but adding that to pregnancy and the fact that my husband needed to go to work today was all together unpleasant.
I was short-tempered with my son today, who I suspect may be coming down with the same cold, as we prepared to go to Granville Island to meet friends (who unfortunately had to cancel on us). All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed with the chocolate-almond ice cream I picked up at the store last night and watch TV. Or sleep. Instead I was trying to convince a crabby toddler to give me some peace while I assembled out picnic lunch. I finally caved and stuck a Thomas the Tank video on the computer while I got out shit all sorted out (and put on pants).
As I mentioned our friends couldn't make it today, which just made me want to stay home more - but I knew that Sebastian would be hellish in or out and at least if we were out I could keep changing the scenery. As we approached the island the clouds looked ominous and I was losing my faith that this was a good idea. But I was committed, I had no back up, worse came to worse I had loads of towels and a change of clothes for Boo if the clouds split and drenched us.
Thank goodness that never happened, we played in the sandbox for a bit with some other brave toddlers then walked over to the market to watch boats and eat lunch. By this point the clouds broke and we had a lovely lunch in the sun, Sebastian danced to the live music while I ate a giant salad. We then headed inside for grapes - I rarely buy them, but somehow Sebastian has connected them quite powerfully to our weekly trips to Granville Island. I can easily buy just enough for him for that day - and will start feeling less guilty about it (and possible buy more) when they aren't coming all the way from Chile.
We then popped into a shop where I picked up a part of a secret gift for a friend (she might see this) - and then to another store to get the rest of it. Sebastian was wonderful and charming so we went and watched the "King of the Ukulele" play. Sebastian LOVES this guy and totally rocked out to his jams.
We chatted with another mother that Sebastian had befriended - she was wearing this amazing necklace whose pendant was made out of arbutus and pointed me towards the store she got it from. After some shared snacks and a hug we headed over to OrganiX to check it out. The necklaces are awesome and I also found some really cute baby stuff. The price of this stuff always gives me a little shock, but since most of little bean's clothes will be hand-me-downs I am thinking I can justify "splurging" on more responsible new duds.
In the store he continued to charm and delight, we talked with the woman there for a good 20-30 minutes (without buying anything, sigh, if I hadn't already bought that gift I would have purchased something there). I have one more birthday this week so may head back - though I am going to look for something while I am out tomorrow too - and I might, if I am feeling better, sew a little something for both women.
Sebastian was both disappointed and relieved to leave the island, most of our drive home was delightful until he threw his snack on the floor... we came home, played quietly and read a bit before going down for a nap. During this time my feeling of sick returned full-force, all I wanted to do was crash, but also wanted to a) get the child to nap and b) clean up, start dinner and repack our bag for the beach tomorrow. So sleep waited, Andrew got held up at work, which was alright - only 30 minutes or so - and Sebastian woke up, crabby and irritable, wanting to play with playdough and whine. We played a new "game" called "mom isn't talking to you unless you talk normally - or mom can't understand you, child, unless you use your calm voice." It meant talking to myself a whole lot (or my imaginary friends) but seemed to work, I don't know when we got to the point where I was reacting to whining, but that's gotta stop. I hate that shit and it can send me over the edge like nothing else. Generally we communicate very well, but every once in a while he becomes the master of whine.
Obviously part of it is his being sick, so I was patient and understanding while being firm - it sounds way easier on paper - I have been working very hard on keeping my temper in check, as lately my emotions have been so close to the surface and I have a tendency to be a "yelly mom" when the edges start to fray. It has been an up and down fight, days like this tend to be more difficult but also tend to give me renewed perspective. A sense that "I can stand this" when it feels like I can't stand another minute of it (and then, somehow, I always do). So, anyways, being firm and patient is hard but yet it really worked. He would eventually calmly ask for what he wanted and get it - and if it worked today then I am betting it will work even better when we are all feeling 100%.
I was going to complain about what a pain it is not to get to wallow in my sickness any more, but
I have been "understandably" run-down due to the whole baby-making gig, but this last week I have also been fighting off the hints of a cold. I awoke Saturday with a sore throat and headache that got both mildly better as the day wore on (and with the addition of only two tylenol). Sunday was the same, though the evening brought the symptoms back with a vengeance. I am thankful that one both days I have parental backup and I could do a little less. I actually thought I had licked the damned thing when this morning I awoke with a barely aching throat... then I tried to move. My body is achey all over and feels profoundly tired. I think this is a side-effect of all the work it has done fighting off my cold, but adding that to pregnancy and the fact that my husband needed to go to work today was all together unpleasant.
I was short-tempered with my son today, who I suspect may be coming down with the same cold, as we prepared to go to Granville Island to meet friends (who unfortunately had to cancel on us). All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed with the chocolate-almond ice cream I picked up at the store last night and watch TV. Or sleep. Instead I was trying to convince a crabby toddler to give me some peace while I assembled out picnic lunch. I finally caved and stuck a Thomas the Tank video on the computer while I got out shit all sorted out (and put on pants).
As I mentioned our friends couldn't make it today, which just made me want to stay home more - but I knew that Sebastian would be hellish in or out and at least if we were out I could keep changing the scenery. As we approached the island the clouds looked ominous and I was losing my faith that this was a good idea. But I was committed, I had no back up, worse came to worse I had loads of towels and a change of clothes for Boo if the clouds split and drenched us.
Thank goodness that never happened, we played in the sandbox for a bit with some other brave toddlers then walked over to the market to watch boats and eat lunch. By this point the clouds broke and we had a lovely lunch in the sun, Sebastian danced to the live music while I ate a giant salad. We then headed inside for grapes - I rarely buy them, but somehow Sebastian has connected them quite powerfully to our weekly trips to Granville Island. I can easily buy just enough for him for that day - and will start feeling less guilty about it (and possible buy more) when they aren't coming all the way from Chile.
We then popped into a shop where I picked up a part of a secret gift for a friend (she might see this) - and then to another store to get the rest of it. Sebastian was wonderful and charming so we went and watched the "King of the Ukulele" play. Sebastian LOVES this guy and totally rocked out to his jams.
We chatted with another mother that Sebastian had befriended - she was wearing this amazing necklace whose pendant was made out of arbutus and pointed me towards the store she got it from. After some shared snacks and a hug we headed over to OrganiX to check it out. The necklaces are awesome and I also found some really cute baby stuff. The price of this stuff always gives me a little shock, but since most of little bean's clothes will be hand-me-downs I am thinking I can justify "splurging" on more responsible new duds.
In the store he continued to charm and delight, we talked with the woman there for a good 20-30 minutes (without buying anything, sigh, if I hadn't already bought that gift I would have purchased something there). I have one more birthday this week so may head back - though I am going to look for something while I am out tomorrow too - and I might, if I am feeling better, sew a little something for both women.
Sebastian was both disappointed and relieved to leave the island, most of our drive home was delightful until he threw his snack on the floor... we came home, played quietly and read a bit before going down for a nap. During this time my feeling of sick returned full-force, all I wanted to do was crash, but also wanted to a) get the child to nap and b) clean up, start dinner and repack our bag for the beach tomorrow. So sleep waited, Andrew got held up at work, which was alright - only 30 minutes or so - and Sebastian woke up, crabby and irritable, wanting to play with playdough and whine. We played a new "game" called "mom isn't talking to you unless you talk normally - or mom can't understand you, child, unless you use your calm voice." It meant talking to myself a whole lot (or my imaginary friends) but seemed to work, I don't know when we got to the point where I was reacting to whining, but that's gotta stop. I hate that shit and it can send me over the edge like nothing else. Generally we communicate very well, but every once in a while he becomes the master of whine.
Obviously part of it is his being sick, so I was patient and understanding while being firm - it sounds way easier on paper - I have been working very hard on keeping my temper in check, as lately my emotions have been so close to the surface and I have a tendency to be a "yelly mom" when the edges start to fray. It has been an up and down fight, days like this tend to be more difficult but also tend to give me renewed perspective. A sense that "I can stand this" when it feels like I can't stand another minute of it (and then, somehow, I always do). So, anyways, being firm and patient is hard but yet it really worked. He would eventually calmly ask for what he wanted and get it - and if it worked today then I am betting it will work even better when we are all feeling 100%.
I was going to complain about what a pain it is not to get to wallow in my sickness any more, but
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