who has time for hope?

Trapped in the mundane, I ask myself how I can possibly hope for things to change dramatically enough. Today I attempted to explain to my three-year-old why polycarbonate bottles are bad. It did not go as well as I may have hoped, but I think that's okay.

It made me think, though, about being a parent. The awesome responsibility of it all - our necessary dedication to the well-being of these strange little people. And all the work that entails. I've been researching alternatives to public school (much to my mother's dismay - I do see her point, but wonder if a system so broken is worth getting behind). I know I have sometime, I also know that time behaves differently once you have kids. Over coffee the other evening, my friend Diane said of life with a family: "The days are long, but the years are short."

She's right. In the blink of an eye I went from young, carefree member of a young, carefree couple to one of a family of four, with a responsibility to three other humans. Striking some kind of balance when tending to the needs of four people is tough, I am making a go of it, though.

In four years I have learned so much about myself. I have truly amazed myself with my range of capabilities and I've discovered some surprising aptitudes. I am also beginning to see that the balance I seek may be an illusion. Not that balance is an illusion, but balance without sacrifice and compromise is. There are only so many hours in one day, only so many things any one of us can do.

But that's not all it is, is it? We repeat that mantra all the time, the one about there not being enough, but then we sit in front of our screens and zone out. We spend hours dreaming and dreading, we spend scarce minutes actually working. Well, some of us do. Others of us work and work and work in order to avoid thinking and dreaming (and dreading). And then even more of us swing between both patterns. Some people, rare people, just do. Yeah, weird, eh?

Actually, I want to be a doer. I do. I think I do. But it is so easy to write off the things I want to do and try as being too difficult, "especially given [my] current situation." i.e. Having two kids under the age of four. And I don't discount the idea that my days are very full of the mundane, leaving little time for other pursuits, especially if there's much planning needed. And sometimes I even appreciate having a pretty valid reason for being a flake, but then at times it becomes an excuse for me to get my lazy on.

Once it's an excuse the guilt starts pouring in. I pride myself on being a person who doesn't usually succumb to unnecessary guilt, but sometimes it is a good indicator. It tells me that maybe I'm not trying. At least, I think that's what it is trying to tell me. Recently it has taken to yelling at me and I have lost a bit of it's message.

I have lists (of course I do) and I am in that place where just consolidating my lists and getting a feel for where I am seems too daunting. I've made some headway, nibbled at a few edges, given myself enough peace to get a little sleep, but if I am to be completely honest with myself, I've been wandering around, doing a half-assed job of looking busy.

Part of me just wants to sleep, but I have been sleeping and I have not been feeling much better for it. I'm getting exercise, eating pretty well, taking my meds... and still... not feeling much better. I think I need an overhaul, but this time not of my stuff but of my back burner. Get it all out, sorted and re-filed. And scratching a few choice items off my list.

Today I did get some of the cleaning bits off my list. My friend Deanna came over and lent a hand - for which she was well-fed - it was a really lovely day filled with laughter and productivity. Most weekends I send Andrew and Sebastian off so I can clean up, after which I feel resentment because they had fun and I worked my ass off. Today I feel none of it - plus I have a clean car, food in the freezer, clean dishes, clean laundry, and delicious fruit crumble.

Tomorrow, I think I will send the boys off - let them have some fun (after washing diapers at the laundromat) while I do my little de-clutter. Not that I know where to start... I just know that there are bits of me that aren't being realised. There are things I know I could be doing more efficiently, and I KNOW we need to sort out some kind of routine. So perhaps we start there and see what happens.

Oh and hope - well, I just hope that the world holds itself together long enough for us to get a few details figured out. We've been talking more about places we might like to live that aren't the city. I like that talk, talk of a future that is bigger than we are now.

highs and lows

first a grand happy holidays!

To catch up on the blur that was December I won't bore you (or push my luck) by writing a long-assed update, instead here's a rundown of the highs and lows:

+ Christmas went really well
- Sebastian woke up at 11:30pm with a croupy cough.
+ This is his first really terrible cough, ever.
- The stomach flu we all got a week and a half ago.
+ I still got all my holiday baking done and it looked awesome!
- The package my mom sent us seems to be AWOL.
+ Eggnog is awesome with rum.
+ Same goes for Bailey's and coffee.
+ Time to finish this list (finally) while Andrew and Sebastian play with trains and while Rigby naps.
- Andrew goes back to work tomorrow for 2-5 8-12 hour days.
+ He gets all of next week off and if he works over the weekend, he also gets some killer overtime.
- We did really well, but still overspent at Christmas (how???).
+ Not shopping on Boxing Day.
- Not having any money to shop on Boxing Day.
+ Xmas in Frisco on SomaFM on iTunes - "not for the easily offended". Right now it is playing Merry Muthaphuckin' X-mas by Easy-e.
+ We all slept in this morning.
+ Tonight, when the kids are tucked in, Andrew and I will curl up with spiked egg nog and finish watching Papillon. If we don't pass out we will then start watching the original Thomas Crown Affair.
+ I have a crush on Steve McQueen.
+ Sometime soon, the final gift from my dad to my husband will arrive (seasons 2&3 of this) and we will spend many nights watching hot 70's ass.


And finally, a video that brings together the Prez and John Lennon with creepy results. There is one clip in particular that makes me cry every time I watch it.



special thanks to Shauna and idolator

Happy Canada Day

With all the long nights and frustrating days this past week has brought it is awesome to be enjoying a wonderful day with my family. This morning our plan was to take the bus downtown and hit up the Canada Day celebrations at Canada place - one look at the mega-packed bus made us re-think the value of leaving the car at home. We decided to take a chance and brought the car in, we payed way too much for parking (which is why we are sitting at his office right now instead of at home - that and we have a monstrous pile of dishes and laundry waiting at home, here we have cold drinks - , air conditioning, a great view and a giant TV) and met my dad for a great walk around enjoying the festivities.

We very briefly popped into the "kid's adventure zone" which was a room full of bouncy castles and disco lights. It felt like a pint-sized rave, without music or drugs - we left without "enjoying" a single ride.

Outside we found big boats and some cheesy kid's music as well as flags and tattoos and many many lineups for free samples at various booths. Five minutes in line for a cup of yogurt or crystal light? No thanks!

Sebastian had his photo taken by a Canada Place photog and it may appear in next year's brochure.

After our break we are either going to head back down to the party or head home - obviously my vote is to not go home, only because I really *really* don't want to do any work, but realistically it will have to get done soon and we should all get a little siesta in before we head back down here tonight to watch the fireworks. Normally I would just stick Sebastian in the stroller and suggest we walk around until he passes out - but with all the music and noise I can't quite convince myself that would actually happen. I think I will leave the final decision to Andrew, because I'm mean like that.

"check my new tatty!"


my three favourite men -


eating on the edge

why Andrew has the best office ever - thankfully Sebastian doesn't play video games yet, otherwise we would never, ever leave -


playing on the white-board with dad -


the insanity, as seen from above -


more of the same -

you came in with the breeze

Taken out our front window earlier this morning - you can't really tell, but the rain is beating down here.

As the torrential rains of this morning let up, revealing a fresh-smelling Sunday morning, I wave to my husband and son who are off to the Kerrisdale Play Palace and enjoy the quiet music coming out of my computer and a mostly-warm first cup of coffee.

My family will return to the smells of lunch cooking and a clean home, but before I dig in I will enjoy this bit of peace a little while longer. I have been really spoiled this weekend, yesterday morning they left me alone for nearly two whole hours and then I also got to go shopping kidless. Today they will be gone for about as much time, during which I will wash the few dishes from breakfast and last night's late-night red pepper roasting (it went well), I will then clean up Sebastian's room, putting away the toys Andrew brought in from outside and cleaned (how do so many toys make it out the door each week??), skipping much of the usual toy rotation because after our week away Boo seems to see his toys with more than the usual excitement. Later I will make the bed, tidy up and return to my clean kitchen to simultaneously make lunch (scrambled eggs) and dinner (pre-baking the pie crust for quiche and mixing the filling) - I realise we are having eggs twice today, but lunch was Andrew's request and I will happily indulge him. Before the fellas get home I might even be able to squeeze in a quick shower!

Things have been really awesome lately, the rottenness of the last month or so finally behind us. Andrew and I are getting along so much better and we are both relating better to our toddler son.

I have a bajillion updates to do, pictures from our trip to post and thoughts to share - but for now, the clock ticks and I must get on with it.

sunday already?

What a fun, quick week we had!

Not that things have been all fun and games, Andrew and I are still a little "off" around each-other. It has gotten loads better but I think we are just trying to feel out how to relate to one another better as we also settle into this short phase of our lives (pregnant and parenting a toddler).

I have talked a bit before about how I have been feeling lazy, lazy about cooking and housework, lazy about parenting and rules, lazy about just about everything. And it hit me last night that this profound laziness is what has been making me so profoundly (though thankfully, fleetingly) miserable. And it wasn't until I started *not* being lazy that I really got it. I would experience these periods of contentment, excitement and even, dare I say it, happiness. Not just fleeting moments, but hours, even days!

I also began to hold my head up higher, feel more confident and social, and to see what needed to be done in order to return order to my life. All of this while getting out, both with kid and without, doing fun and productive things and even getting some laziness in.

Tuesday I exchanged the stroller - I really do love the new one!


I did fail to mention in that entry that dinner caused another "fight" - though I realise now that I have been very difficult lately. I blame pregnancy, and it is definitely the mitigating factor, BUT I am also adult enough to handle myself better in situations like that. We ended up getting rolls from the vietnamese place down the street and eating those with leftover veggie burgers. I think the main issue I am having right now is I don't want to cook, nor do I want to choose food because I keep not enjoying the things I choose to make/order. What I *want* is for my husband to be able to magically pick the perfect meal for me and exclude me from the preparation. But that is a) impossible and b) not actually likely to make me any happier - I miss cooking.

Wednesday we had to go to the laundromat, which I routinely bitch about, but usually turns out to be fun (as long as we get out before the breakdown) and afterwards, even though I couldn't get Sebastian to take a nap (as much as he needed one), I did get him to play quietly in his room for almost an hour. I spent the afternoon emptying out all the boxes and crap from our bedroom and reclaiming that space. It had gotten so crowded and miserable in there I wasn't even sleeping well. I piled the boxes onto the couch because I knew that way they would get unpacked quickly.

Thursday gets its own entry because it was such an awesome, fun day!

Friday was much quieter, coffee and the park in the morning and a trip to Granville Island in the afternoon. Sebastian played at the water park for a while, perhaps sharing a little less well on this day, but having a ball showing everyone he could find the toy he had found. It was one of those deals where you pour water in the top and it makes baskets and wheels turn. I think one of these may be in our future, he really enjoyed exploring the cause/effect relationship and especially enjoyed showing it off.

We grabbed some food for dinner and came home, I prepared a dinner I would ultimately end up not eating and fed Sebastian cheese on toast, grapes and dry cereal for dinner while we watched the Muppet Show (with Debbie Harry). It was about this point I realised that when Andrew said he would be staying for beer and cake at work he did not mean he would stay for an hour and then come home, but instead would be staying until he got tired. This is not something I look down on or would get pissed about - it just took me by surprise. "Oh, hey, my husband would also like some time outside of the house with friends?"

I am proud to say I successfully put Sebastian down for both a nap and to sleep on Friday - all. by. myself. - really really. By the time he was down I cleaned up, did dishes, put toys away - all the things I expect Andrew to do while I am out yet rarely do when I am home. It felt good. I then made myself a HUGE salad and some tea and watched an episode of Arrested Development in bed (someone needs to get me season three so I can stop memorizing entire episodes of season two - season one is on loan to one of my sisters).

Andrew locked himself out - thank goodness for late-night pot-smoking neighbours with phones!

Saturday was a great family day - we went to the beach, home for lunch, long nap taken by the boys while I made some killer (and totally impromptu) chili, and a nice dinner. Sebastian went down well, we have been trying something new - we have been working on getting him to fall asleep by himself, Andrew has a better hang of it than I do - and so far it only works for night-time - essentially we just keep telling him we will be right back and leave for increasingly long periods (sounds Ferber but is actually from the No Cry Sleep Solution for toddlers and preschoolers). I thought I had done it Friday night but he woke up in a panic 15 minutes after I was convinced he was asleep and I stayed with him while he went to sleep - selfishly because I didn't feel like spending the rest of my night in and out of his room. After talking with Andrew today I think I know where I went wrong (stayed too long in between leaving - there is a system to this) so I will try again next week.

We watched Children of Men and were both really impressed. Really, really impressed.

Today was chore day - unpacked all but two boxes and the boys took the recycling to the recycling centre so I could vacuum (Sebastian hates it). But my mom called and I got sidetracked and our home remains un-vacuumed. I think I will just do it tomorrow morning and hope for the best.

And that, in a nutshell, was our week.