a day in the life

The bug and I woke up this morning cuddled together. As much as I long for the day he will stay in his own bed until dawn, I also adore our morning ritual. Usually I wake before Sebastian and Andrew and take a moment to watch them sleep, my waking will usually cause Sebastian to stir - so I drink in all the adorable I can before closing my eyes again and willing us both back to sleep. At some point, Andrew gets up - it is usually mid-shower that Sebastian notices his absence and gets up. He wants milk. I open the door for him (which he politely closes behind him every single night when he comes to bed), it sticks and he can't get it open on his own. I have taken to crawling back into bed while Andrew fixes Sebastian's breakfast and (usually) does dishes, getting out of bed as late as I can possibly manage. My small boy will come cuddle back in bed for a little bit some mornings, and will dance on the bed until I get up on others.

This morning, however, Sebastian and I found ourselves waking up nestled together. Neither one wanting to move - afraid of losing that comfortable one-ness that is lost as soon as you try and hold onto it. He smiled, I smiled, Andrew came in to say a quick goodbye. He had done all the dishes and made breakfast. Late I found out he had skipped his ritual shower to get it all done. I love him so much sometimes for those small things.

After a yummy breakfast (mine was low-sugar and included an egg for protein due to my close call on my gestational diabetes screen) - we got ready to head to Science World. The original plan was to bring a picnic lunch and take the bus - too bad I forgot to get bread for sandwiches, nor did I have anything else remotely "picnicy" on hand (save some fruit - which is great but can no longer comprise entire meals). After some deliberation, during which I also cleaned up, made coffee, changed a poopy diaper, got a toddler dressed and clothed and primped myself, I decided to get sandwiches from the grocery store. This meant driving. I am not a fan of driving in my area, it sucks, getting to my local grocer is a stressful experience at the best of times. I therefore ended up at the high-end organic store, where I spent a little more, but got a nice tofu salad and some other yummy munchies.

We then headed over to the "big ball" to meet up with our family centre group. We arrived just after 10 and immediately ran into a mom I had talked to before and her kids. Her eldest is Sebastian's age (give or take) and they had fun terrorizing the lobby together while she and I made small talk. Another mom, who I met last week in a Stress and Relaxation workshop, found me and we also got to talking. Chit-chat is so hard when you add toddlers to the mix, mine is always making trouble as soon as he figures out he doesn't have my undivided attention. Thought the science world lobby is a fairly dull place to hang out - save for the pay parking stations and piles of brochures and maps. I am just thankful he didn't spot the gift shop.

Once we were herded inside, Sebastian and I bee-lined to the toddler pit. There he spent a good hour, before getting restless. Since the place was (relatively) quiet, I let him run around the main displays and helped him figure out how to make things work. We made music by slapping rubber paddles, resembling small beaver tails, against big tubes, he rode the spinning disk, where two older boys gamely rolled a ball to him for a bit, he quite vividly remembered the bee hive from our last visit and was mesmerized by it for a little bit, we found things that made lots of noise and he asked a steady stream of questions.

The only drama came when we had lunch, rather than leave the building, I decided we could sit on the outdoor patio. It was lovely and we got to see the dump trucks fill a barge with Canada Line dirt, the day was sunny and the breeze was cool coming off the water. The problem arose when, upon finishing our lunch, I decided we would avoid a series of meltdowns if we just left. I stand by my decision, I think that one big tantrum was preferable to the series of escalating ones I know he would have had, considering his increasing fatigue.

It was right around this point I remembered we were supposed to bring the car in to have the paint looked at. We loaded up in the car and started off towards Surrey, Sebastian fell asleep within moments - confirming my hypothesis. The car shop was a bust, our paint problem is not covered by warranty. But we did go to a cute little coffee shop where Sebastian charmed the pants off the woman behind the counter and her friend - they were so sweet I almost forgive them for dishing out a dozen HP spoilers (I might care more if I had read any of the books yet). We also managed to find a very strange playground with no slide; in fact it looked more like some strange, colourful, army training site than a playground. With all manner of monkey bars, a climbing wall, parallel bars and this strange rolling barrel set-up. Sebastian found great joy in hanging from the lowest bar we could find for as long as he could and then falling onto the gravel. He was having such fun I had to bribe him with dried fruit to get him back into the car.

Andrew finished day two of working the late shift - two of his work-mates are off on sick/personal leave. Considering his team consists of him and two other guys, he's a little fucked. He has, however, promised me he will not be working this shift all week. This is good news because as much as it pains me to admit it, I don't handle working overtime well at all. He came home today with a special present for Boo - a "blackbox" t-shirt from the EA studio that Andrew works at, Sebastian loves it - because it is just like dad's. Plus it is HUGE on him so will fit for-freaking-ever.



Tomorrow morning Andrew is going to work late and wants to take Sebastian to the park first thing - I think this means I get to sleep in!!!

insert title here

We've been having a great time. Yesterday was a trip to the beach with friends - well worth the drive across town - Sebastian has really taken to the ocean. After being too frightened to go within ten feet of the water's edge as recently as April, he will now venture in on his own as long as one of us is close behind. He laughs as each wave cools his body with a mix of amusement and wonder that only a toddler can produce. It is musical and contagious, as hard and stoic as I have been lately - that laugh got me going.

I have been taking life much too seriously. I have been taking myself and my position as household matriarch too seriously. Every flaw is fatal, every shortcoming or mistake bringing me to a dead stop. Moving so quickly I look like I am standing still - until one day I found I really was. Just standing still.

It is a problem I think I have had my whole life. I over-analyze, I rehearse hypothetical situations in my head until I can't remember what is memory and what is fabrication, I see all challenges as my own Everest, all failings as further proof of my un-worth. I have always looked outside myself for acceptance and assurance.

Having a kid is like having a life-line, being the primary care-giver for a child has a way of consistently bringing me back from the edge. Sebastian is my blessing. When I get too caught up in myself, in my internal dialogues - he manifests it. He is this tiny, loud, projector that reminds me when I am falling off the path - and I love him for it. I worry that this role is somehow fucking him up in ways only intense therapy later in life will correct* but considering the family he was born into, therapy later in life is likely a given.

He has been "a terror" - he has been a frustrated two-year-old. A smart, funny, caring, energetic two-year-old. His current weapon of choice is the loud, screamy, shouting "NO!" Guess where he got it from? I used it on him first, so it really is fair game - working on lessening its use means minimizing its power. This means that I can not use it** and when I look at why I had been using it, I find it is primarily because I have been feeling too fat and lazy to properly handle difficult situations (from hitting to running off to grabbing food off the grocery store shelf). The second step is that I will have to find ways to take its power away from Sebastian - this is less cut and dry.

I have been trying to ignore it, but that technique is losing its power as Sebastian has discovered the magic of escalation. If yelling doesn't get mom to react, I will try yelling plus throwing things. At some point I have to react and as soon as I react the simple ignoring has lost its power. Simple ignoring seems to be best saved for situations like whining. I think a mix of calm reaction, coupled with polite, firm, reminders that yelling is not how we communicate. And lets not forget the power of paying attention to him as in, before he gets frustrated, taking the time to listen and help him articulate what he wants/needs and responding to those needs in a loving, supportive fashion. Sounds pretty simple.

We are also working on potty learning, though I am still being a lazy ass about it. I think part of the problem is our switch last spring back to disposables, not only do they allow Sebastian much longer before he becomes uncomfortable, they also take away that urgency that cloth held. In cloth diapers, as soon as I knew he was wet/dirty, I knew I had to change him - otherwise I would have to face changing his entire outfit. Now, I know, but I know it can wait until the timing is more "convenient" (wet diapers only) - Andrew and I have talked in depth about getting a "Wonder Wash" - a hand-powered portable washer - so that we can switch back to cloth diapers. I think it is something we should do - but we have a very long list of those things and they are all getting a little lost. But for now, with what we've got, we're stuck with disposables and I think I just have to accept that we will go though potty bootcamp - and soon, if we want to be through this before new baby comes.

Must. stop. making. excuses.***


*Sebastian, I promise you that I will pay for any therapy you need. It is the least I can do, sweetpea.

**except in dangerous situations when a staccato NO is totally appropriate- and because it should be something that will stop a child in their tracks - it is just another reason to halt its regular use

*** but I'm so GOOD at it!!!

it sounds to me like you need a swift kick in the arse

and I did.

Tonight we were visited by our lovely neighbourhood midwife and found out that I only just barely passed my gestational diabetes screening. This means I will continue to plan a natural home birth, YAY, but will otherwise act as though I am borderline GD. Meaning I will cut all simple sugar (booo), eat a well-balance diet (yay), go for a 10-minute walk after every meal, eat more complex carbs and a better balance of protein, fibre and carbohydrates. Essentially, I will have to adopt a healthy diet (oh no!). If only french fries and ice cream didn't taste so wonderful.

I also found out my iron is low - not anemic low, just on the bottom edge of normal. So I will be getting back on the floradix, not that I went off of it on purpose - I just stopped remembering to take it.

Both these bits of news sort-of suck, but in the grand scheme they are terrific bit of news - the swift kick in the butt that the whole family needed to get back to eating well (which, for us, seems to be the key to doing everything else well). I'd been slowly, but loudly, trying to point us back onto the good food path - but since I didn't really mind eating crap food and drinking pop, I wasn't really pushing that hard. Now I don't have much of a choice.

I tend to function best when my choices are limited, so this is all a blessing.

I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?

I have a not-so-secret obsession with teen movies.

I have been scarce again, which is what happens when I feel like I have too much to say. I guard my words and say nothing, I brew and stew and slowly my thoughts start gnawing away at whatever balance or happiness I had been trying so hard to hold onto.

Nothing really heavy, either, just the same old mixed bag. There are the things in my tiny world that weigh me down: money trouble, making plans, managing my slowly diminishing mental capacity, household management, behaviour issues (not just the toddler's), and of course, the impending addition to our family (80 days). Then there are the things in my larger, but still immediate, world adding their heft: the civic strike, a nearby oil spill, the housing crisis, the controversial 2010 game prep, and the fucking neighbours who are re-building the house across the street at all hours with little regard for the rest of us. Finally I've been fretting about the big big world: what does the future hold, am I doing enough, where are all these wars headed, how can we reduce our environmental impact, fears of tainted foods, unsafe toys, unethical trade, slave labour, toxic spills, nuclear time-bombs and oceanic dead zones.

Okay, some of it is heavy.

Shortly before getting pregnant with Sebastian, I got a subscription to Adbusters. In the months leading up to parenthood I read and re-read every word written in those pages. I read with a mix of fear and hope. I feared that "we" were too late - that we are already skipping off to hell in our Prada shoes, clutching our Coach purses, lips and arm-pits full of botox and minds full of a mix of self-importance and self-loathing. But in those pages I also saw a glimmer of hope, hope that the obviousness of impending global crises would mobilize the human race in ways only ever seen on movie screens. Two years later I still hold out hope - I see people making positive changes, I see people putting their lives on display so that others can see how unimpossible change can be.

I also see people losing faith in the systems that brought us here, I hear from boomers their regrets that they raised us in this strange new world and didn't tell us it would be our responsibility to keep the dream from falling apart, I see a new generation peeking out from behind video game consoles and rejecting the processed pablum we've spoon-fed them their entire lives, demanding fresh air, clean water and places to run. I see all this and I am filled with hope. I am also filled with fear that it is too late for most of us. I see people of my generation, people who ought to know better, still basking in denial, looking for ways to make the old systems work so that they don't have to change, still raping our precious green spaces, still supporting a food industry that has proven it doesn't give a shit about anything but profit, sitting in their air-conditioned, detached, suburban homes, crunching chips and watching with concern the results of whatever reality show is in season. Using the loo when a news story comes on, unless it includes the mugshot of an a-lister.

Who can blame them? Change is hard and confusing and scary. Misinformation, misdirection, mistakes... it is a hell of a lot easier to just go with the flow. I should know. I have been known to be perfectly status-quo. Hell, we, the "vegetarian Forsyths" had McDonald's for dinner last night. And we all ate meat. Talk about your hypocritical clan - this dinner trip took place no more than five hours after I passionately explained the importance of fair trade to a group of visitors.

I. am. an. ass.

I also don't remember where I meant to go with this rant. Maybe this was my desired result, admitting my assyness, getting it off my chest, not in hope of any absolution, but so that you know that I know that I am a hypocrite. Balancing my desires with what is right is this constant struggle between dark and light and all shades of gray. Giving up on that struggle, whether because I feel like the balance has been achieved (it never is) or because I feel like it is too hard (it isn't) always seems to leave me feeling better for a moment then worse for an eternity as I scramble back up to my last foothold. The things I think will make me feel better - eating, shopping, vegging - never do. The things I avoid - working, planning, cleaning - always do.

Funny how I still haven't figured that out.

who's a hermit now?????

Yesterday, after Sebastian's nap, he played outside as I turned an aging mango into chutney. During the process I managed to throw/drop the small pyrex bowl I was mixing the starch and water in. It exploded - poor Sebastian wanted so badly to make sure I was alright (there may have been a few choice words muttered) but I had to keep him outside while I hunted down every last bit of shattered glass.

We had a couple of friends over for dinner last night and the chutney was to go with the *wonderful* chickpea and cauliflower curry I made up based loosely on this recipe from VegWeb. They brought delicious samosas, and we drank (fake) beer and mocktails and talked about grown-up things and had a really awesome time.

cooking dinner:


drinking beer:


Like adults, I cleaned up while Andrew put Sebastian to sleep and we went to bed at an almost decent hour - full of food and (after only one Tum) amazingly un-heartburny!

Today I woke up planning to spend a dreary day doing laundry and other boring things. That was before I remembered a playdate I had said we would be attending. It was a park that was just far enough away to make the idea of walking just a little too much - after a lengthy internal debate I decided to drive. My son, who is a better environmentalist that I am, was very upset that we were not walking. He came around as soon as we got there and he saw the kids and play equipment.


The park and the playdate were terrific, we met some new parents and kids - we had a nice picnic and made it home in time for a nice nap.

Remembering that the weekly neighbourhood farmer's market was today, we headed over there after Sebastian's nap. We picked up some great produce, fresh apricots, nectarines, blueberries and beets, as well as a free bag of random salad bits (lettuce and radishes) and eggs.

We came home and decided rather than cook or, you know make anything, we would have hot dogs and banana bread (thanks Kristi!!). Now Andrew is back at work (near-constant work issues this week) and tomorrow he will be home in the afternoon so he can go back in the evening. This will allow him to take a nap and me to do laundry - good times. At least Sebastian and I have morning plans - we're going to the family centre (not affected by the strike - YAY) with my friend Kristi and her daughter.

Also - for all my Vancouver mama friends, a list of things to do during the strike can be found at yoyomama.ca.

Note to self - Sunday market in Kits for honey and jam woman's going out of business.

shocking

sweet child of mine

We finally got a bed.

On Sunday morning I had to call Andrew into the bedroom to help my fat ass out of bed - that was the final straw, it was time to get a real bed. That's it up there, we love it. It ended up being a joint birthday gift from Andrew's parents and my dad - good for us, because while we could technically afford it (or half of it) it is better for us not to be out any money. I still need to book a plane ticket to Calgary for my 10-year High School reunion - and save some money for it too (it is at a bar, so I doubt I will be spending much. But I will need cab fare and a haircut.)

The bed is great and I find it much more conducive to sleeping (and getting up); it has the added bonus of making our room look more like grown-ups sleep there. The new bedroom look, combined with my sewing shelf's sudden suicide*, inspired me to make some more changes. Yesterday, I moved a shelving unit from Sebastian's room into the living room and stocked it with toys and most of what was living on the shelf (90% OPPs). The toys cover a wide age span and are specifically for when we have playdates, but also give the man something to do in the living room while I work (other than watch DVDs on the laptop). Over the next few days I will fill the tiny dresser to the right of the shelves with easy-clean craft stuff (crayons, paper, tape), Sebastian has recently discovered the joy of crafting and I am all about encouraging that.

before:


after:



Sebastian's room also got a total makeover, I disassembled his train table and put the play part of it under his bed (easily accessible but totally out of the way). His stuffed toys now live inside his little red tent - an arrangement he wholeheartedly endorses - and his easel now doubles as storage, with vintage apple crates below it holding miscellany. Things are just a little more organised (a place for everything) and spread out. We managed to fill a bag with stuff to donate and another with stuff for the new baby. Under better storage conditions I would put aside half his toys for "turning over" - but we have literally zero storage space, my hope is that by switching locations and rotating things to more visible areas regularly, we can achieve a similar effect.

Speaking of Sebastian, I am starting to worry that my hermit-ness is adversely affecting him. He has been asking, daily, to play with other kids - but when he is around other kids his behaviour is unpredictable and unstable. I think because he is so excited and a little unsure of how he is supposed to act. Last week, after about a week solid of hermiting, we went to the family centre where Sebastian uncharacteristically hit and pushed a child, then threw a toy.

Since then we have made more effort to get him out and social - but still haven't done much. We went to the mall on Friday where he played quite well in the "play pit" there, the weekend was rather kid-less but we did get in a visit with Sebastian's aunts (who are still kids in my book), my dad and his partner. Today a friend and her daughter came over. Sebastian was thrilled but was also a little overwhelming (even after an early morning run around the playground to burn off some energy). All in all I would say it was a good visit - more stressful than I like, but not so bad that I'm worried Kristi will never want to come back.

This week we have plans to go to the Family Centre again (not affected by the strike - woo!!!) and the weather seems to be clearing up - so there is a park playdate on tomorrow's agenda with a new meetup.com group.

*while I was talking on the phone to the lovely people at Aeroplan (who informed me my many points expired three years ago - oops.) the other big black ikea shelf jumped off the wall, narrowly avoiding my head and Andrew's laptop. The woman on the other end of the phone was hilarious - apparently I screamed a swore a *lot* when it happened.

before:


after:
(note the neighbouring holes from shelf number one (above the picture that could be Walt Whitman, but apparently is not) - I think the remaining shelf got lonely and decided to call it quits. They have been reunited under the bed.)

one of the things I've been up to*

The one I made for the craft-swap arrived on my swap partner's door step today and she likes it! I am a) really happy it got there so quickly (sent it air-mail on Tuesday because I was already a little late in mailing it and wanted it to get there quickly - but woah!) and b) really happy she likes it. It was my first stab at this pattern (with an added flap and inside pickets) and I am definitely making one for myself. I like the pattern because it can basically be adjusted to make any size bag and turned out a nice-looking, solid product.



Embroidering the flap was tons of fun - though time-consuming as all hell - I haven't done any embroidery in years, but am really happy with how it turned out. The outer fabric is a dark denim (with a little stretch) that I bought ages ago to make a skirt, and the lining is a thrift-shop sheet. I didn't interface either fabric, but if I were to use anything lighter than the denim I would *definitely* use interfacing.

detail:



pockets:



*reposted from my craft blog - because no one ever goes there (don't worry, I am not offended - there's not really anything to see)

ahh frick

Outside city workers at Vancouver's waste transfer station have walked off the job.

Not only does this mean that garbage collection will stop - but it is also my understanding that parks and rec programs, recycling, libraries, pools, community centres, etc, etc, etc, will all be affected.

Andrew and I have been talking all week about what steps we will take to halt our trash production (mainly a full return to hand-washing cloth diapers) and make sure our recycling pile doesn't get overwhelming - but it is going to smell awful in this city.

Not to mention the loss of activities, ways to cool off, the programs where we connect with other parents and kids... the public health impact of mountains of trash... the sad, sad, fact that our bedroom window faces the alley... ten years ago, when I first moved to BC there was a garbage strike - it was terrible, something I never want to re-live.

I don't blame the union for this - they have been without a contract since last year and are in legal strike position. From my understanding the city is not offering them anything close to what they want - and it sounds like their demands are reasonable. Raises to reflect the high cost of living, benefits, pay for hours worked. Things I believe the people who help our city run smoothly and stay so beautiful more than deserve.

At least I am now super-motivated to follow in Sarah's footsteps and go trash-free. Now if only the rest of the city could do it.

full up

There has been a lot of junk rolling around in my head lately - concerns about my ability to parent two children, worries about our lack of preparedness for new baby, contemplating the fallout of a possible garbage strike on my three-toddler shared house, pondering two very lovely bits of correspondence from my usually distant mother and step-father, my father's on-again/off-again relationship with a woman I simple adore (I found out today it is on-again - that's good), tomorrow's EA IT staff party at Playland, Saturday's birthday brunch here for my littlest sister, connecting with cousins via facebook, the implications of my family reading my blog, a friend's planned visit, planning my own visit "back home", lack of sleep, napless boo, efforts to impeach Bush, Faith Hill's redbook photoshoppping, No Impact Man, a lovely gift of fabric from Sarah of Say No to Trash, moldy, overpriced onions from Capers... the list goes on and on and on.

Tonight I hope that Sebastian will go to sleep well for Andrew - my fatigue today means we did not get out and run around as much as we usually do and watched WAY more TV than we usually get in in a month (he watched while I slept), plus not napping always makes him unpredictable. By the time Andrew gets out I will probably be curled up in bed - if I am still awake maybe we'll watch some Scrubs - that always makes me feel better.