"one thing you need to do in in life is figure out what kind of person you want to be, and then be that person"
Thursday, October 11
a gentle reminder
Wednesday, October 10
"would it be uncouth for my water to break on the steps of the Vancouver Club?"
Dinner at the fancy-pants club was fantastic! Everyone looked great and we were all on our best behaviour. I would have photos but in my pregnant state forgot to change the battery on my camera. The photo above is of the room we ate in... pretty fucking surreal. Sebastian was one of many young children in attendance and was amazingly well-behaved despite missing his afternoon nap. I enjoyed myself immensely, even though I was a little concerned that what I was writing off as false labour (that lasted the entire evening) might be more serious... turns out my gut was right and not just drunk off of turkey juice. Either way I was not about to let it stop me from gorging myself on everything in sight, I figured if it turned out to really be labour at least I would have eaten well beforehand.
The food was incredible - every single kind of holiday food you could imagine, plus a dessert table that included the requisite chocolate fountain. The homemade pumpkin pie lived up to the hype and was even served with fresh whipped cream... then there were the mini creme brulees, delicate chocolate mousse cups, raspberry tarts, something rich, unidentifiable and smothered in blueberries, and the heaps and heaps of stuff I did not have the pants space to try. While I doubt it will ever replace our traditional holiday dinners - where we gather around a meal where something has been burnt, something forgotten and always something spilled, traditional meals where the talk flows easily and comfortably and the distraction of a giant television screen is nearby - this holiday dinner was the perfect solution to our current state of familial upheaval.
My father takes possession of his new home next week and his normally impeccable abode is strewn with the detritus of moving and packing, Andrew's parents have only enough time in their new house to begin the long process of unpacking, and we, among other things, have been the somewhat reluctant* recipients of the excess of both moves.
I would, however, happily play the part of privileged daughter once or twice a year if it meant eating like that again...
*we *love* the shelving unit Andrew's parents have passed down to us - the energy and time it took to switch from our old furniture to the new, however, has left me frazzled and sore. But it is up, it is full, and on the bright side we sorted through some stuff that has been sitting since our own move last April.
Saturday, October 6
"baby wants out"
I can see the end of this strange journey into second-time motherhood. The proximity of the end of the path surprises me because I have been so removed from the process of pregnancy this time around. This pregnancy has passed without the frantic studying of obstetrics my last pregnancy brought, it has passed without worrying about the music playing inside my uterus, or hearing and feeling every movement. It has passed without a constant counting down of days. The days, weeks and months have passed on their own - my body has grown and changed with my knowing at every moment exactly what is happening - my faith in my primal ability to grow and birth a child have been nearly unwavering.
This isn't to say I have been completely removed or ignorant of what is happening, it is just to say that so much else is going on I haven't been paying the same attention I did last time.
Initially, I waded through denial, I just could not believe I was pregnant again. Then, as pregnancy became less deniable, I found myself caught up in the combined processes of moving, raising a toddler/preschooler, domesticity, and maintaining a sense of self. Lost were the sense of wonder and excitement that filled most of my days when I was pregnant last, replaced instead by the feeling of juggling plates - fragile plates, cherished plates, so many plates...
All were dropped, some broke, some chipped, and some have managed to make it through miraculously, or at least seemingly, unharmed. I do not regret anything - I mourn my friendships, but also know that I have time for that. My relationship with my son is still strong, though often rocky - my relationship with my husband could be described similarly. My house has gone through periods of absolute chaos and absolute cleanliness, it tends to slip into a happy medium that might be a few steps from my ideal, but a happy medium nonetheless.
This isn't to say I have been completely removed or ignorant of what is happening, it is just to say that so much else is going on I haven't been paying the same attention I did last time.
Initially, I waded through denial, I just could not believe I was pregnant again. Then, as pregnancy became less deniable, I found myself caught up in the combined processes of moving, raising a toddler/preschooler, domesticity, and maintaining a sense of self. Lost were the sense of wonder and excitement that filled most of my days when I was pregnant last, replaced instead by the feeling of juggling plates - fragile plates, cherished plates, so many plates...
All were dropped, some broke, some chipped, and some have managed to make it through miraculously, or at least seemingly, unharmed. I do not regret anything - I mourn my friendships, but also know that I have time for that. My relationship with my son is still strong, though often rocky - my relationship with my husband could be described similarly. My house has gone through periods of absolute chaos and absolute cleanliness, it tends to slip into a happy medium that might be a few steps from my ideal, but a happy medium nonetheless.
they will have to roll me out the door
Thanksgiving weekend is already upon us. Andrew's parents - who are settling into their new lives as island-dwellers nicely - will be coming to the mainland tomorrow for a trip to Ikea followed by dinner with my side of the family at my father's club. Normally I would be embarrassed by the excess, but on this occasion I appreciate that I will not need to cook, clean or play hostess. With a number of aunts and grandparents around, I am even holding out hope that Andrew and I may get a chance to eat a hot meal in relative peace.
The idea of homemade pumpkin pie has me drooling - this is one of my favourite parts of fall family celebrations. And turkey (yes, I am eating meat again) with all the trimmings... mmmmmmmm....
On the subject of food,some of you who have been reading for sometime may have noticed I have stopped writing about cooking and eating good, healthy, fresh food. I am about to confess a great sin - we have been eating mostly take-out and fast-food for the last couple of months. Try as I might I have not been able to muster the desire to cook, and when I do, by the time food is ready to hit the table I don't feel like eating it. There have been blissful days when Andrew has done the cooking and the evenings when I am glad I made chili the night before, because it is so much yummier the following day anyways. So instead we've been eating naughty food, and feeling the effects of it - but finding ourselves mysteriously unable to break the cycle. We're working on it - but with the new babe coming soon I figured it was smarter to just load up on not that great, but still a) cheaper and b) healthier, easy foods. So our freezer is stocked with things like pizzas, perogies and frozen waffles, our pantry with macaroni and cheese (okay, not all of it is healthier), crackers (to be served with cheese or cream cheese), kid snacks, granola bars, pasta and rice (so much rice - I forgot we already had a ton and bought a bunch more), I bought a bunch of single-serve yogurts for Sebastian and some fall veggies for the one or two times I will feel like cooking. It is a small step up.
I am giving myself until the New Year - at which point I plan on us being back to full-time cooking. By that point I will be ready to start getting into shape, we'll be settling into life as a foursome and will be so sick of pizza. Not to mention how unsustainable this kind of eating is - not only do we feel piles of guilt over all the packaging waste, we also simply can't afford it. I spent more on two weeks worth of groceries on this trip than I have since I started keeping track.
But enough guilt. I am so excited for a nice Thanksgiving with so much of our family. As a bonus - Andrew will be working Monday, so will make some awesome OT! I *heart* over time (except when it means I never see my husband).
The idea of homemade pumpkin pie has me drooling - this is one of my favourite parts of fall family celebrations. And turkey (yes, I am eating meat again) with all the trimmings... mmmmmmmm....
On the subject of food,some of you who have been reading for sometime may have noticed I have stopped writing about cooking and eating good, healthy, fresh food. I am about to confess a great sin - we have been eating mostly take-out and fast-food for the last couple of months. Try as I might I have not been able to muster the desire to cook, and when I do, by the time food is ready to hit the table I don't feel like eating it. There have been blissful days when Andrew has done the cooking and the evenings when I am glad I made chili the night before, because it is so much yummier the following day anyways. So instead we've been eating naughty food, and feeling the effects of it - but finding ourselves mysteriously unable to break the cycle. We're working on it - but with the new babe coming soon I figured it was smarter to just load up on not that great, but still a) cheaper and b) healthier, easy foods. So our freezer is stocked with things like pizzas, perogies and frozen waffles, our pantry with macaroni and cheese (okay, not all of it is healthier), crackers (to be served with cheese or cream cheese), kid snacks, granola bars, pasta and rice (so much rice - I forgot we already had a ton and bought a bunch more), I bought a bunch of single-serve yogurts for Sebastian and some fall veggies for the one or two times I will feel like cooking. It is a small step up.
I am giving myself until the New Year - at which point I plan on us being back to full-time cooking. By that point I will be ready to start getting into shape, we'll be settling into life as a foursome and will be so sick of pizza. Not to mention how unsustainable this kind of eating is - not only do we feel piles of guilt over all the packaging waste, we also simply can't afford it. I spent more on two weeks worth of groceries on this trip than I have since I started keeping track.
But enough guilt. I am so excited for a nice Thanksgiving with so much of our family. As a bonus - Andrew will be working Monday, so will make some awesome OT! I *heart* over time (except when it means I never see my husband).
Thursday, October 4
a bit about us
We've been busy - fall snuck up on us unexpectedly and here we are, two weeks away from my due date, scrambling to get everything done (I am still holding out hope that I will get a quilt done - how deluded am I??).
Things with Sebastian have gotten better, then worse, and now better again. I flip-flop between thinking he is a perfectly normal two-year-old - to thinking that there must be something wrong with him because he can be a bully and doesn't listen (etc.), then I remember that whatever is going on is perfectly normal for him and I need to manage myself and my reactions instead of expecting him to be anything but totally naturally HIM.
I have been much calmer the last few days and it is paying off - our nap time battles have continued, but he has napped three of the past four days. Today I tried something from left-field, we tried guided imagery. I asked him to imagine he was a fish, swimming through the water and blowing bubbles (deep, long breaths) - I did this while gently holding him and rocking, keeping myself very relaxed and calm. It took a little time, but he eventually calmed right down and went to sleep in his "cave" under the blankets. He went to sleep smiling - something he hasn't done in ages - and I felt so relaxed afterwards. I really, really, really hope this works again tomorrow!
In other Boo news, he has a wandering eye (strabismus), it came on slowly and we just assumed he would grow out of it, but lately it has become much worse and he barely seems to use his right eye anymore, allowing it to rest, peacefully, at his nose instead... I haven't talked about it because I have been having a hard time adjusting to it. It sounds so lame, I know, but he's my perfect child and it took some time for me to come to terms with. Typing that, and knowing the difficulties other kids have, I sound like an effing idiot. The good news is we have an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist November 20, and there's a good chance his eye will correct without surgery, and some of his issues with over-stimulation and frustration may be connected and therefore also be "fixed"... but there is also a chance he'll need surgery, and that things may get worse before they get better, and that it may never be completely fixed.
Oh what else?? We've started using cloth diapers again and are using our Wonder Wash and spin dryer to clean them. It has been a bit of a learning curve, and we let laundry get ahead of us last week - something we will NOT be allowing to happen again (that was a bad, bad day). Sebastian has adjusted well to the cloth - better than we'd hoped, though I still think the change will bring him back to a point where he is willing to re-visit the potty (things got hairy and we quit trying to train, decided he just wasn't ready).
I am preparing for my home birth, but just found out I am group B strep positive... not a huge deal, my midwife can administer antibiotics at home, if I opt for them BUT if I do opt for them I will have to get my first shop in hospital, in case of a bad reaction. This is only an issue because it would mean a) leaving my home in labour and b) driving across town (two towns, actually) to the hospital I am registered at (there are closer ones in case of an emergency). We have childcare lined up as well as a friend to act as support for Andrew and I. Tonight or tomorrow I will pick up my home-birth kit and we will officially have everything we "need" to get this party started (though I am not averse to waiting a little longer... remember the quilt).
Enough babble. On to the HO (click to zoom):
note the entirely inappropriate button (from mehoi.com) holding my sweater together.
carefully picking every chocolate chip out of the otherwise almost healthy oatmeal cookie
this photo is my entry for mother of the year - he is actually eating those noodles off the floor - in my defense I had only requested he pick them up - I said nothing about eating them
playing with the colour accent feature on my camera while S played at the playground
Things with Sebastian have gotten better, then worse, and now better again. I flip-flop between thinking he is a perfectly normal two-year-old - to thinking that there must be something wrong with him because he can be a bully and doesn't listen (etc.), then I remember that whatever is going on is perfectly normal for him and I need to manage myself and my reactions instead of expecting him to be anything but totally naturally HIM.
I have been much calmer the last few days and it is paying off - our nap time battles have continued, but he has napped three of the past four days. Today I tried something from left-field, we tried guided imagery. I asked him to imagine he was a fish, swimming through the water and blowing bubbles (deep, long breaths) - I did this while gently holding him and rocking, keeping myself very relaxed and calm. It took a little time, but he eventually calmed right down and went to sleep in his "cave" under the blankets. He went to sleep smiling - something he hasn't done in ages - and I felt so relaxed afterwards. I really, really, really hope this works again tomorrow!
In other Boo news, he has a wandering eye (strabismus), it came on slowly and we just assumed he would grow out of it, but lately it has become much worse and he barely seems to use his right eye anymore, allowing it to rest, peacefully, at his nose instead... I haven't talked about it because I have been having a hard time adjusting to it. It sounds so lame, I know, but he's my perfect child and it took some time for me to come to terms with. Typing that, and knowing the difficulties other kids have, I sound like an effing idiot. The good news is we have an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist November 20, and there's a good chance his eye will correct without surgery, and some of his issues with over-stimulation and frustration may be connected and therefore also be "fixed"... but there is also a chance he'll need surgery, and that things may get worse before they get better, and that it may never be completely fixed.
Oh what else?? We've started using cloth diapers again and are using our Wonder Wash and spin dryer to clean them. It has been a bit of a learning curve, and we let laundry get ahead of us last week - something we will NOT be allowing to happen again (that was a bad, bad day). Sebastian has adjusted well to the cloth - better than we'd hoped, though I still think the change will bring him back to a point where he is willing to re-visit the potty (things got hairy and we quit trying to train, decided he just wasn't ready).
I am preparing for my home birth, but just found out I am group B strep positive... not a huge deal, my midwife can administer antibiotics at home, if I opt for them BUT if I do opt for them I will have to get my first shop in hospital, in case of a bad reaction. This is only an issue because it would mean a) leaving my home in labour and b) driving across town (two towns, actually) to the hospital I am registered at (there are closer ones in case of an emergency). We have childcare lined up as well as a friend to act as support for Andrew and I. Tonight or tomorrow I will pick up my home-birth kit and we will officially have everything we "need" to get this party started (though I am not averse to waiting a little longer... remember the quilt).
Enough babble. On to the HO (click to zoom):
note the entirely inappropriate button (from mehoi.com) holding my sweater together.
carefully picking every chocolate chip out of the otherwise almost healthy oatmeal cookie
this photo is my entry for mother of the year - he is actually eating those noodles off the floor - in my defense I had only requested he pick them up - I said nothing about eating them
playing with the colour accent feature on my camera while S played at the playground
Tuesday, October 2
tidbits
Don't tell anyone - but Pandora is working and I *love* it.
There is a whole lot of stuff fluttering around this old, tired, mangled brain of mine - half-composed blog posts, craft ideas, parenting stuff... but right now, all that I can hear (besides my brilliant son reading his Thomas the Tank Engine book) is "ow, oof, sleep??? eat??? babybabybabybabybaby... wait, what??? huh?? where am I again??"
Today was a good day, productive, positive, and best of all - almost over. The morning was spent at the laundromat - well, first I got up and made tea while Sebastian slept in again, then eggs and toast for breakfast, a quick load of diapers in the ol' wonder wash (yes, we love it), a very quick tidy and *then* off tot he laundromat to wash all the things we'd bought at the thrift store on the weekend.
While there Sebastian intimidated, but then befriended a slightly younger little boy. Together they played with cars and playdough under the very patient gaze of the young boy's cool mama. They had a nice time and I got the mama's number, so hopefully we can do a real playdate soon.
Then it was home for lunch and a NAP - just yesterday I was convinced he would never nap again and then today he decides a nap would be swell. I used the time to clean, shower, put some laundry away and watch Rushmore... I *heart* Wes Anderson.
There is a whole lot of stuff fluttering around this old, tired, mangled brain of mine - half-composed blog posts, craft ideas, parenting stuff... but right now, all that I can hear (besides my brilliant son reading his Thomas the Tank Engine book) is "ow, oof, sleep??? eat??? babybabybabybabybaby... wait, what??? huh?? where am I again??"
Today was a good day, productive, positive, and best of all - almost over. The morning was spent at the laundromat - well, first I got up and made tea while Sebastian slept in again, then eggs and toast for breakfast, a quick load of diapers in the ol' wonder wash (yes, we love it), a very quick tidy and *then* off tot he laundromat to wash all the things we'd bought at the thrift store on the weekend.
While there Sebastian intimidated, but then befriended a slightly younger little boy. Together they played with cars and playdough under the very patient gaze of the young boy's cool mama. They had a nice time and I got the mama's number, so hopefully we can do a real playdate soon.
Then it was home for lunch and a NAP - just yesterday I was convinced he would never nap again and then today he decides a nap would be swell. I used the time to clean, shower, put some laundry away and watch Rushmore... I *heart* Wes Anderson.
Monday, October 1
I can understand why some animals eat their young
As I sit in my (mostly) clean, dimly lit living room, listening to some nice ambient music and waiting for Andrew to finish putting Sebastian to sleep, the day we just endured an already fading memory, I wonder why I waste so much energy getting annoyed with my son.
He will be off to school in five minutes, an adult tomorrow, a parent next week - will the fact that on October 1, 2007, he refused to nap and began every screaming sentence with the statement "NO, I don't like ___" matter? Or will a million other things happen between now and then? Over the course of parenthood I will have plenty of opportunity to be angry, annoyed and frustrated. I will also have a million opportunities to choose not to get angry, not to yell, to instead, handle myself with poise and dignity. The fact that these last months I have done more yelling than listening will not permanently scar my child - not if I don't let them. What I mean is, as long as I am working towards something better - and as long as this yelly-mom state is temporary - than things will be just fine.
I've begun reading a book I found at the thrift store last weekend, titled Positive Parenting A-Z and already I feel like it has some light to shed on what has been going on lately. I haven't made it to the A-Z part yet (where it covers "everything" from Adoption Issues to Zoo (and other outings)) but began reading through the concepts of positive parenting and can see places where I, usually with best intentions, have been more permissive than positive - with a bit of angry authoritarian thrown in for good (bad?) measure.
He will be off to school in five minutes, an adult tomorrow, a parent next week - will the fact that on October 1, 2007, he refused to nap and began every screaming sentence with the statement "NO, I don't like ___" matter? Or will a million other things happen between now and then? Over the course of parenthood I will have plenty of opportunity to be angry, annoyed and frustrated. I will also have a million opportunities to choose not to get angry, not to yell, to instead, handle myself with poise and dignity. The fact that these last months I have done more yelling than listening will not permanently scar my child - not if I don't let them. What I mean is, as long as I am working towards something better - and as long as this yelly-mom state is temporary - than things will be just fine.
I've begun reading a book I found at the thrift store last weekend, titled Positive Parenting A-Z and already I feel like it has some light to shed on what has been going on lately. I haven't made it to the A-Z part yet (where it covers "everything" from Adoption Issues to Zoo (and other outings)) but began reading through the concepts of positive parenting and can see places where I, usually with best intentions, have been more permissive than positive - with a bit of angry authoritarian thrown in for good (bad?) measure.
Sunday, September 30
deals galore!
View Larger Map*
Yesterday we drove out to Coquitlam (about 40 minutes), mainly because I had an urge to check out the new H&M (bad crunchy mama) and we had a long list of things we still needed to pick up for our home birth that we could pick up at the mall. Sebastian fell asleep about 10 minutes from our destination, so we stopped for drive-thru and stumbled upon a Value Village. I left the boys in the car and hit the thrift store looking for cheap towels and a bed sheet. I got 5 big towels and a sheet for $3.99 each! I also picked up some books, two parenting books, a vegetarian cookbook, a mom and baby yoga book and a book about organising playdates and parties - I paid $2.99 each for four and got one for free. We came home with a couple old magazines, a few baby outfits, a little bag of cars and a plane for S, two shirts and a baby doll - also for S. (*on the map, the three pauses are where we a) saw the H&M billboard and changed our plans, b) saw the sign notifying us that the road we were going to take was closed, and c) finally got going towards the highway)
Sebastian woke up about 1/2 way through my shopping spree and he and Andrew came and wandered the store together.
Once done there we hit the mall - I always forget how much shopping on the weekend sucks... it was crowded and loud and just barely tolerable. We went to Lush where they were having a sale on all unpackaged goods - buy two get one free. We picked up a massage bar, soap and shampoo, plus a free sample of shower jelly, which Sebastian thinks is the coolest stuff EVER.
We hit Old N*vy and got a few things from the clearance rack for S and the new baby, Andrew found a cool pair of cords that the hem had come out on - they were the last in his size and I suggested he ask for a discount (not his style) - we got the $36 cords for $14!! H&M was a bust - it was nuts and had a huge line for the tills - we gave up. Nothing special anyways.
We went to Zellers for the last few bits, got almost all of our birth shopping done - plus bits like hooded towels, receiving blankets and cloths. Now it is all sitting in our new laundry basket (future home of the birth kit) waiting to go to the laundromat for a HOT HOT wash.
Wednesday, September 26
introspection and a future engineer and his tractor.
I find it amazing how, when I spend less time on my own, I end up thinking more. Our week has been pleasantly full, yesterday Sebastian and I ran necessary errands before going to the park - and at every stop we found some lovely, light conversation. Following a very tense non-nap, we packed into the car and headed towards New West, our ultimate destination was a good friend's house where we had dinner plans. Sebastian, quite predictably, fell asleep shortly after take-off.
Dinner was great - food from a local won-ton house - and was followed by a blissful period of child and husband/fiance-free time. My friend's fiance treated himself to a new Xbox (and Halo, of course) and Andrew and Sebastian went along for the ride. Meanwhile, my friend, Shannon, and I got to drink tea and talk. It was wonderful and something I had been craving.
We all stayed up a little later than we ought to have (she had an early shift and we had a grumpy boo, but no one really wanted to rush home to bed). We came home to a house that looked like I had rushed out the door with an uncooperative toddler... normally not something I would worry much about, but I was hosting my very first playdate the next morning. We stayed up a little later tidying before deciding to leave it and sleep.
This morning was spent cleaning, tidying, discovering that none of the markets nearby open before 8, but that if you order decaf at 7:40 at Blenz by Capers they make you an americano (YUM). We spent too much on organic produce and rushed home just in time to sort toys, vacuum and welcome our first guests. I quickly finished tidying (read: hiding all the crap that ends up on the dining room table) and when the second guest arrived I ducked into the bathroom to do my hair. I was a bit of a frazzled host and Sebastian was a bit of an ungracious one - but we had fun and I think most everyone else did too. People left within an appropriate span of time and the one family that stayed later was very much welcome. Sebastian had a great time playing with a slightly older boy and I really (*really*) appreciated the support and advice I got from an experienced mama of two. Again, something I had really been craving - just someone to tell me that a) everything will be okay and b) my bully-son is a perfectly "normal" two-year-old.
After everyone had left and we had eaten a quick lunch, I took Sebastian to the bedroom for a nap. The child was beat and we had talked a few times about how much better he would feel after a nap - but I was scared. Naps have not been going well around here and I was really doubting my ability to put this child to sleep (which of course is compounded by my vivid visions of trying to console a crying infant while trying to get a belligerent toddler to take a necessary nap), for a few weeks now, naps have been a black cloud over our days. The fight to get him to sleep would leave me so emotionally drained that I could barely function - and my mind would be left racing and unable to rest. I've been absolutely useless.
Today, however, would be different. Today I had a greater presence of mind - having spent time discussing all sorts of things with other adults - and I had a greater sense of myself - having begun to read and really internalize (parts of) Birthing From Within. Things started predictably, the moment we got into the bedroom Sebastian went from sleepy to excited, he drank his milk and then wanted to play/cuddle/read/etc. I stayed calm and focused and read from the same bad script I had been trying to follow since things started falling apart. But then... I decided to improvise. I figured that the worst that could happen would be that he wouldn't nap, again. So I decided to roll with things and see where we ended up and guess what?? He was asleep within 15 minutes. I had so stubbornly been sticking to my cool and quiet routine that I hadn't considered that he may need to start again from a more comfortable place. I went back a few months to where we came out of our last napless funk and put my hand on his back as he fell asleep... and he did fall asleep. I shit you not I almost cried.
The lesson is to not be so rigid and to work with the flow of mothering. A good lesson to have learned today and one that will help me both in my day-to-day and on that bigger day, the one where we welcome our new family member.
It is a tractor - he built it himself with just a little help getting the bits together
He was so proud (as were we).
Dinner was great - food from a local won-ton house - and was followed by a blissful period of child and husband/fiance-free time. My friend's fiance treated himself to a new Xbox (and Halo, of course) and Andrew and Sebastian went along for the ride. Meanwhile, my friend, Shannon, and I got to drink tea and talk. It was wonderful and something I had been craving.
We all stayed up a little later than we ought to have (she had an early shift and we had a grumpy boo, but no one really wanted to rush home to bed). We came home to a house that looked like I had rushed out the door with an uncooperative toddler... normally not something I would worry much about, but I was hosting my very first playdate the next morning. We stayed up a little later tidying before deciding to leave it and sleep.
This morning was spent cleaning, tidying, discovering that none of the markets nearby open before 8, but that if you order decaf at 7:40 at Blenz by Capers they make you an americano (YUM). We spent too much on organic produce and rushed home just in time to sort toys, vacuum and welcome our first guests. I quickly finished tidying (read: hiding all the crap that ends up on the dining room table) and when the second guest arrived I ducked into the bathroom to do my hair. I was a bit of a frazzled host and Sebastian was a bit of an ungracious one - but we had fun and I think most everyone else did too. People left within an appropriate span of time and the one family that stayed later was very much welcome. Sebastian had a great time playing with a slightly older boy and I really (*really*) appreciated the support and advice I got from an experienced mama of two. Again, something I had really been craving - just someone to tell me that a) everything will be okay and b) my bully-son is a perfectly "normal" two-year-old.
After everyone had left and we had eaten a quick lunch, I took Sebastian to the bedroom for a nap. The child was beat and we had talked a few times about how much better he would feel after a nap - but I was scared. Naps have not been going well around here and I was really doubting my ability to put this child to sleep (which of course is compounded by my vivid visions of trying to console a crying infant while trying to get a belligerent toddler to take a necessary nap), for a few weeks now, naps have been a black cloud over our days. The fight to get him to sleep would leave me so emotionally drained that I could barely function - and my mind would be left racing and unable to rest. I've been absolutely useless.
Today, however, would be different. Today I had a greater presence of mind - having spent time discussing all sorts of things with other adults - and I had a greater sense of myself - having begun to read and really internalize (parts of) Birthing From Within. Things started predictably, the moment we got into the bedroom Sebastian went from sleepy to excited, he drank his milk and then wanted to play/cuddle/read/etc. I stayed calm and focused and read from the same bad script I had been trying to follow since things started falling apart. But then... I decided to improvise. I figured that the worst that could happen would be that he wouldn't nap, again. So I decided to roll with things and see where we ended up and guess what?? He was asleep within 15 minutes. I had so stubbornly been sticking to my cool and quiet routine that I hadn't considered that he may need to start again from a more comfortable place. I went back a few months to where we came out of our last napless funk and put my hand on his back as he fell asleep... and he did fall asleep. I shit you not I almost cried.
The lesson is to not be so rigid and to work with the flow of mothering. A good lesson to have learned today and one that will help me both in my day-to-day and on that bigger day, the one where we welcome our new family member.
It is a tractor - he built it himself with just a little help getting the bits together
He was so proud (as were we).
babybabybabybabybabybaby
Today is that magical 37 week mark - I could go into labour any time now and be full term... I am getting my birth basket together (a rubbermaid laundry basket that will contain our birth kit). I dropped my group B strep test off at the lab yesterday morning. I am taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) and drinking Red Raspberry Leaf (RRL) Tea. I can feel my body physically preparing for the work it has ahead. I am reading Birthing From Within, my midwife's home birth guide and all the articles and handouts from last weekend's Birthing Again class.
We've set up registries and wish lists at BabiesRUs and Sears - even though the stuff we really want (read: expensive but organic/natural/local and beautiful) can be found at places like Dandelion Kids, Natural Pod and Baby Buddha. We are sorting out getting the things we really need (a carseat - which - knock on wood - my awesome mother and step-father are buying us, and our birth kit, which our friends Brian and Shannon unexpectedly purchased for us) as well as all the things we are borrowing (most of which are much less pressing, breast-pump, bassinet, bouncy seat, etc).
We've been talking to Sebastian about the arrival of his new brother or sister - as well as trying to get his routines re-established (oh my god he napped today and I almost cried I was so relieved). Discipline that has fallen to the side due to travel and visits and maternal fatigue needs to be re-established.
There is still lots on my to-do list and I am holding out hope that I have three or even four weeks left to get it all done - but I am at peace with the idea of it not coming together before the baby comes and dealing with that.
We've set up registries and wish lists at BabiesRUs and Sears - even though the stuff we really want (read: expensive but organic/natural/local and beautiful) can be found at places like Dandelion Kids, Natural Pod and Baby Buddha. We are sorting out getting the things we really need (a carseat - which - knock on wood - my awesome mother and step-father are buying us, and our birth kit, which our friends Brian and Shannon unexpectedly purchased for us) as well as all the things we are borrowing (most of which are much less pressing, breast-pump, bassinet, bouncy seat, etc).
We've been talking to Sebastian about the arrival of his new brother or sister - as well as trying to get his routines re-established (oh my god he napped today and I almost cried I was so relieved). Discipline that has fallen to the side due to travel and visits and maternal fatigue needs to be re-established.
There is still lots on my to-do list and I am holding out hope that I have three or even four weeks left to get it all done - but I am at peace with the idea of it not coming together before the baby comes and dealing with that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)