Sebastian just went down for a late nap - having been kept awake by his mama's need to buy dinner fixings (I know he would have been happier if I had let him nap and tossed a box of mac and cheese together for dinner). But I save those for real emergencies (and days when we haven't already had hot dogs for lunch). Dinner tonight will be a feta and asparagus frittata. I amsupposed to avoid all but hot, cooked feta while pregnant - and yet have been craving it like MAD, so this is my comprimise. We had eggs last night too, because until we get paid tomorrow there's something like NO money in the bank. Thankfully I stashed a carton of eggs away earlier in the week and veggies for dinner were cheap (though I had to split a $9 bill between cash and debit - how embarassing). We also have half a bottle of half and half in the fridge that will go bad in a couple of days. I buy the smallest bottle I can for my almost daily coffees and always end up having to find a use for half of it at the end of the week.
On a related note - I have found the joy of organic, fair trade *bulk* coffee. I can buy enough for the week for less than two americanos and with my new grinder can measure precicely enough to make two cups of coffee. And my hand-me-down coffee maker, while missing the handle, does have a thermos-brand carafe - so when I get back to that second cup in that afternoon it is still hot! ...speaking of...
So, I am in a wicked-good mood today. This morning, Sebastian and I went to the nearby family centre for their drop-in program. This is set up much like the family place we went to when living in New West - but bigger and better, and best of all, still FREE. They only ask that you bring fruit to share at snack time. Sebastian played so nicely I was able to sneak off and sit in on a discussion about healthy snacks in the "parent's room" before story time. Sebastian was reasonable well behaved during story and song time - he shared his book well, but was pissed when they took the books away for a group story. But, thankfully, he sat on my lap nicely for two whole books before song time. He LOVED the song about elephants playing on a spiderweb (Sharon, Lois and Bram, I think) but wasn't digging the wheels on the bus.
There were two incidents where I thought we might have to take off, but the staff were great and came over and made him laugh while singing and doing their actions. We then had a snack of fresh magoes, banana, orange and apple - a bona-fide hit! And got to go play outside in the fenced-off basketball courts with a variety of trikes and cars. When that got dull Sebastian went to the playground and was amazing about waiting his turn and sharing (right up until it was time to leave, but promises of lunch helped sidestep that tantrum).
Other things I loved - I talked to not one, but TWO awesome, friendly mums, I spilled coffee down my clean, white shirt and didn't feel overly self-concious about it, next week we're going to Science World as a group and it will only cost me $5 (reg: $16) plus bus fare, and the place is within walking distance.
We then went to the library and signed up for library cards (I had to wait to get something sent to the new address before I could sign up). Sebastian was good there until it came time to look for books for mama... thankfully I found what I was looking for fairly quickly (some of the same pregnancy books I had used last time and some back-issues of mothering mag) and the yelling was kept to a minimum. Lunch was next - hot dogs all around! We then had a parcel and dinner fixings to pick up before heading home. If I hadn't put him down at the market, he likely would have fallen asleep on my shoulder - but I let him roam free and that was it for any sleepyness. We came home to find *another* parcel at the door! This one was addressed to me and had been shipped via UPS... a mystery.
We came in, opened the package from Andrew's parents to find gifts from their recent trip to England. Sebastian is the proud owner of an official England soccer uniform - complete with socks and a new Thomas the Tank sun-hat. Lucky kid! Andrew and I both got some sweet trinkets, including a beautiful picture frame and a cheesy, but cute "World's Greatest Computer Whizz" mug for Andrew (I wonder what the extra "z" is for).
The other parcel?It was my birthday gift from my mum and step-dad, a new CAMERA!!! It is a tiny and awesome Canon SD600 that I will love and cherish and use often. I have been wanting a little point and shoot camera for years - hating to lug around Andrew's massive Kodak. Especially hating the shots missed because I hadn't had the forthought, or room, to bring it. Now this can just go everywhere with me. I love it. I have never loved an object as much as I love this camera.
I wish I had known years ago that when people ask what you want for your birthday and you *tell* them - they'll actually get you that thing (as long as it is reasonable). I hate putting people out and asking for anything, so this is a lesson I am just now learning. But it makes lives a little easier and I only ask for things that I wouldn't buy myself and only for things I think are reasonable. And I really never expect anything from anyone (though I *love* getting presents!!), not because I don't think I deserve anything (that might be a part of it) but because I really don't think anyone should feel obligated to get me anything. In recent years I have extended that to both my husband and my parents, I am so blessed just to have wonderful people in my life - I don't actually need presents. This also means that when I do ask for things I like them to be sensible and useful (like the vacuum I got for my birthday or christmas from my mom a few years back - and the gardening tools). They are both things that I still use today and when I do (especially my beautiful Lee Valley tools) I think fondly of the gift-giver.
The little things that I am hoping to get for my birthday this year? A new Moleskine journal, subscriptions to Mothering Magazine and/or Brain, Child, and anything that was made (or purchased) with thoughtfulness. Books are also aweosme... I assume you're all taking notes.
Actually, by combining my brithday and wedding anniversary into an afternoon picnic, I hope that no-one feels obligated to get me anything. I really hate feeling like people feel like they might "need" to do anything for me. Except show up.
Sunday, May 13
return to me
I have just had the most amazing, wonderful weekend with my family. Mother's Day was a great excuse - but we know we didn't really need one (it just allowed me to feel like a little less of a bitch while calling all the shots, that, and I got flowers!).
This last week saw me hit my breaking point in a few areas of my life. I hit an all-time low when a mama at the park actually made me cry, I called a friend on an episode of racism, I got realistic about our financial and dietary laziness, and felt hatred and resentment towards my offspring like never before. I also started therapy that will in time develop into couple's counselling for Andrew and I, finally got a working fridge, stood tall, planted a garden, and am working on parenting mindfully again. I found deep love and admiration for both my husband and son - who are smarter, sweeter and more understanding than I ever give them credit for. I felt a change within me when instead of feeling anger towards the woman at the park who stepped on my proverbial toes and made me question my parenting, I felt compassion towards her and saw how fragile my confidence in my mothering had become. I used it as a catalyst for change.
I feel the change deep within me. It has been rolling under the surface for weeks - just waiting for me to let go and let it return me to a state of inner peace. It is amazing, I knew the key was in this book I love called Mommy Mantras but it took days of reading to find it, I was so focused on the sections about dealing with anger and depression that I missed it completely. A simple mantra full of power "I took the vow," meaning I made the decision to have a child and to get pregnant a second time, I took the vow - shit and all. It instantly took me away from the place where I was constantly second-guessing everything and daydreaming of a different life, to the present, with all its problems and trials and reminded me that I made a promise to do right as a mother and that no matter what life throws at me that is the one promise I don't get to walk away from. I took the vow.
This last week saw me hit my breaking point in a few areas of my life. I hit an all-time low when a mama at the park actually made me cry, I called a friend on an episode of racism, I got realistic about our financial and dietary laziness, and felt hatred and resentment towards my offspring like never before. I also started therapy that will in time develop into couple's counselling for Andrew and I, finally got a working fridge, stood tall, planted a garden, and am working on parenting mindfully again. I found deep love and admiration for both my husband and son - who are smarter, sweeter and more understanding than I ever give them credit for. I felt a change within me when instead of feeling anger towards the woman at the park who stepped on my proverbial toes and made me question my parenting, I felt compassion towards her and saw how fragile my confidence in my mothering had become. I used it as a catalyst for change.
I feel the change deep within me. It has been rolling under the surface for weeks - just waiting for me to let go and let it return me to a state of inner peace. It is amazing, I knew the key was in this book I love called Mommy Mantras but it took days of reading to find it, I was so focused on the sections about dealing with anger and depression that I missed it completely. A simple mantra full of power "I took the vow," meaning I made the decision to have a child and to get pregnant a second time, I took the vow - shit and all. It instantly took me away from the place where I was constantly second-guessing everything and daydreaming of a different life, to the present, with all its problems and trials and reminded me that I made a promise to do right as a mother and that no matter what life throws at me that is the one promise I don't get to walk away from. I took the vow.
when the shit goes down
I think my longest friendship is over - and contrary to what I thought I might feel, I feel at peace. I stood up for myself, stood up for what I believed, and accept the consequences. I feel no guilt, I feel awful about the timing (just over a month before her wedding in which I am supposed to be bride's maid); but feel confident in the decision I made. The gory details are known to the people who really need to know them, I don't take what I set into motion lightly and I would very much love to change the way this last week went down. But I know that I was true to my beliefs and can stand tall knowing I did the right thing.
Sunday, May 6
My week in notes Part 2
So the last installment got a little out of hand - I will have to keep this one short and sweet so that I can get back to all the things I need to get done today.
Thursday: As far as I remember - we did very little, still feeling a little under the weather. I'm positive we went for coffee and a walk (because we do the a LOT) and looking back on my photo album see that this was the day Sebastian found a MASSIVE puddle in the park and splashed until I had to make him leave the park because he was starting to turn blue with cold. Because I am super mom I was prepared for such dampness and had brought along towels and a blanket. Once dry (we'd stripped him of all wet clothes) he warmed up really quickly and, re-energised, decided to walk most of the way home.
Yes, those are cowboy boots. A block from home he climbed back in the wagon and nearly passed out - only to get really irate the moment we pulled up to the gate, knowing that that meant we would be headed back indoors.
After naps we went back outside and played in the yard until dad got home - at which point I realised I hadn't gotten dinner together and decided we should get (organic) pizza*.
Friday: Walked to the park early in the hopes that Sebastian would crash before my 11:00 midwife appointment. No dice. He was pretty awesome though, he helped check my blood pressure (good) and held the doppler goo while we listened to the little bean who was dancing around a whole bunch and only let us get a hint of a (healthy) heartbeat.
All goes well and I am really starting to feel excited about the new babe. I still feel tired, and often forget that I am indeed pregnant - making things like having to pee all the time, being hungry or winded, always catch me by surprise at first. Last time around I spent every moment thinking "I am pregnant" this time I don't have that "luxury" instead I have to remember that I am a mother and wife and housekeeper and cook and assistant. Life was simple once.
After lunch (leftover pizza) we went to a nearby kid's consignment store and bought a gift for a baby shower. After far too many minutes spent wandering the store trying to figure out what to get a woman who I a) don't know well and b) is very very different from me - I wanted to get her one of these wonderful locally made pouch slings, but worried that it would not end up getting used at all, since buying a carrier can be so personal. I ended up getting her an awesome playmat and an extra musical toy to hang from the centre. Sebastian loved stuff like that when he was new.
I bailed on going downtown after that and instead Sebastian played in his room with the plastic tool set I'd bought him while I cooked dinner. After bed Andrew and I watched Idiocracy again... this is by far the best movie no one has ever heard of.
-----
May 11 - well, things here, there and everywhere got a little crazy this past week and this post never ever got finished or posted. As I put my family's needs aside for a considerable amount of time while I wrote this, I am posting it unfinished and as is.
*we have moved to a place where awesome, healthy takeout is plentiful - making it really easy for me not to cook... not good.
Thursday: As far as I remember - we did very little, still feeling a little under the weather. I'm positive we went for coffee and a walk (because we do the a LOT) and looking back on my photo album see that this was the day Sebastian found a MASSIVE puddle in the park and splashed until I had to make him leave the park because he was starting to turn blue with cold. Because I am super mom I was prepared for such dampness and had brought along towels and a blanket. Once dry (we'd stripped him of all wet clothes) he warmed up really quickly and, re-energised, decided to walk most of the way home.
Yes, those are cowboy boots. A block from home he climbed back in the wagon and nearly passed out - only to get really irate the moment we pulled up to the gate, knowing that that meant we would be headed back indoors.After naps we went back outside and played in the yard until dad got home - at which point I realised I hadn't gotten dinner together and decided we should get (organic) pizza*.
Friday: Walked to the park early in the hopes that Sebastian would crash before my 11:00 midwife appointment. No dice. He was pretty awesome though, he helped check my blood pressure (good) and held the doppler goo while we listened to the little bean who was dancing around a whole bunch and only let us get a hint of a (healthy) heartbeat.
All goes well and I am really starting to feel excited about the new babe. I still feel tired, and often forget that I am indeed pregnant - making things like having to pee all the time, being hungry or winded, always catch me by surprise at first. Last time around I spent every moment thinking "I am pregnant" this time I don't have that "luxury" instead I have to remember that I am a mother and wife and housekeeper and cook and assistant. Life was simple once.
After lunch (leftover pizza) we went to a nearby kid's consignment store and bought a gift for a baby shower. After far too many minutes spent wandering the store trying to figure out what to get a woman who I a) don't know well and b) is very very different from me - I wanted to get her one of these wonderful locally made pouch slings, but worried that it would not end up getting used at all, since buying a carrier can be so personal. I ended up getting her an awesome playmat and an extra musical toy to hang from the centre. Sebastian loved stuff like that when he was new.
I bailed on going downtown after that and instead Sebastian played in his room with the plastic tool set I'd bought him while I cooked dinner. After bed Andrew and I watched Idiocracy again... this is by far the best movie no one has ever heard of.
-----
May 11 - well, things here, there and everywhere got a little crazy this past week and this post never ever got finished or posted. As I put my family's needs aside for a considerable amount of time while I wrote this, I am posting it unfinished and as is.
*we have moved to a place where awesome, healthy takeout is plentiful - making it really easy for me not to cook... not good.
Monday, April 30
My week in notes Part 1
Monday: Nursing sunburn suffered at beach while out with Kristi and her family (awesome time!), picnic, adult talk, sun, sand and surf; the relaxing Sunday I think we all needed. Sebastian had such fun we decide to head back to beach - it is cool, quiet and lots of fun. Enjoyed some fake hot dogs from the concession and dug many holes.
Tuesday: Woke up feeling hungover. Odd since I haven't had a drink in months. Took tylenol, drank lots of water and felt better by the time we got to Granville Island to meet up with Heather and her kids. Sebastian was in a "mood" and threw a fit when I pulled him away from the Thomas the Tank train table inside one of the toy stores. I had left it to a point where I was just about ready to pee myself, so neither of us were in a state to be fucked with. But, I am bigger, so I won (yay me). Heather got there right after that and we walked over to the Market for lunch.
The sour mood continued, I gave the kid pizza (more junk food) and he decided he would prefer Jon-Jon's PB&J or Heather's dumplings. Thankfully he was relatively well-behaved and managed to sit long enough for me to plow through most of both our pizza slices. I bought Sebastian a kite for our next beach day and got home just in time for a nap.
Unfortunately it was cut short when Sebastian woke up scratching his forearms. He seems to be developing a bumpy rash, which I assume is from the shirt he was wearing. He hadn't worn it in months and it must have been washed in a detergent he is sensitive to. I gave him some Benydryl and put some lotion on the rash and tried to distract him with toys and songs and other fun things, to no avail. By the time Andrew came home we were both worn out and close to tears. A walk to find dinner took Sebastian's mind off his rash and helped me re-centre (oh why didn't I think of that???).
11:00pm: Sebastian comes into our room in tears, we thought it might be gas and massaged him before finally giving him ovol - gas gone, still up... maybe his teeth? He's getting his last set of baby molars and they have been bothering him steadily for a few days, the motrin I gave him this afternoon would have worn off by this time (midnight) so we wearily gave him another dose.
Again, still up (though, as with the gas, mildly less uncomfortable). Andrew notices that he is grabbing at his neck, gives the area a little rub and finds two... lumps, for lack of a better word. They feel a little like cysts- but we're flummoxed, are they something, are they nothing, what on earth do we do???
Wednesday: By this point (1:00ish) we are all bum tired, Sebastian seems to be calming down and falling asleep - I have yet to be able to find and feel the lumps and so am unsure as to how to react. S had an eczema flare-up this afternoon after wearing a shirt from the back of his closet that must have been washed in an evil detergent (we went through a few brands a couple of months ago looking for an "environmental" one that caused no issues). I thought the neck thing was likely just an extension of that as the shirt had a collar.
Anyways - I did finally feel the lumps - they are weird and inexplicable - and S has yet to be able to fall asleep. He kept waking up grabbing at the back of his head, so at 2:00am we decide to take him to the doctor's (likely a hospital since we *just* moved in and haven't found a 24HR clinic yet)... I want it to be nothing, but enough of something that they can help him (either by doing something or telling us what to do ourselves) and we can all sleep...
Andrew and Sebastian got home just before 4:00. Sebastian's lymph nodes were a little swollen and that is likely what caused the bumps on his head... The doc said not to worry unless the rash from earlier today returned with a fever - that combo could spell meningitis (especially scary right now because a local 15 year old just passed of this). I'm not too worried, though, and will keep going on with normal life unless things change. He slept well for about 4 hours and other than being a little sleepy he was right back to normal asking for PB&J and ice cream (breakfast of champions).
As the day wore on, Sebastian went from acting vaguely sick to acting fully bored and ready to rock. We had skipped out on any big activities but decided a trip to the coffee shop and park would be good for both of us. He played vigorously and happily, dashing any residual fears I may have still been harbouring. By the time Andrew got home he was just fine.
Off to a baby shower so will need to continue this later (realising my week was far more "exciting" than it seemed at the time).
Tuesday: Woke up feeling hungover. Odd since I haven't had a drink in months. Took tylenol, drank lots of water and felt better by the time we got to Granville Island to meet up with Heather and her kids. Sebastian was in a "mood" and threw a fit when I pulled him away from the Thomas the Tank train table inside one of the toy stores. I had left it to a point where I was just about ready to pee myself, so neither of us were in a state to be fucked with. But, I am bigger, so I won (yay me). Heather got there right after that and we walked over to the Market for lunch.
The sour mood continued, I gave the kid pizza (more junk food) and he decided he would prefer Jon-Jon's PB&J or Heather's dumplings. Thankfully he was relatively well-behaved and managed to sit long enough for me to plow through most of both our pizza slices. I bought Sebastian a kite for our next beach day and got home just in time for a nap.
Unfortunately it was cut short when Sebastian woke up scratching his forearms. He seems to be developing a bumpy rash, which I assume is from the shirt he was wearing. He hadn't worn it in months and it must have been washed in a detergent he is sensitive to. I gave him some Benydryl and put some lotion on the rash and tried to distract him with toys and songs and other fun things, to no avail. By the time Andrew came home we were both worn out and close to tears. A walk to find dinner took Sebastian's mind off his rash and helped me re-centre (oh why didn't I think of that???).
11:00pm: Sebastian comes into our room in tears, we thought it might be gas and massaged him before finally giving him ovol - gas gone, still up... maybe his teeth? He's getting his last set of baby molars and they have been bothering him steadily for a few days, the motrin I gave him this afternoon would have worn off by this time (midnight) so we wearily gave him another dose.
Again, still up (though, as with the gas, mildly less uncomfortable). Andrew notices that he is grabbing at his neck, gives the area a little rub and finds two... lumps, for lack of a better word. They feel a little like cysts- but we're flummoxed, are they something, are they nothing, what on earth do we do???
Wednesday: By this point (1:00ish) we are all bum tired, Sebastian seems to be calming down and falling asleep - I have yet to be able to find and feel the lumps and so am unsure as to how to react. S had an eczema flare-up this afternoon after wearing a shirt from the back of his closet that must have been washed in an evil detergent (we went through a few brands a couple of months ago looking for an "environmental" one that caused no issues). I thought the neck thing was likely just an extension of that as the shirt had a collar.
Anyways - I did finally feel the lumps - they are weird and inexplicable - and S has yet to be able to fall asleep. He kept waking up grabbing at the back of his head, so at 2:00am we decide to take him to the doctor's (likely a hospital since we *just* moved in and haven't found a 24HR clinic yet)... I want it to be nothing, but enough of something that they can help him (either by doing something or telling us what to do ourselves) and we can all sleep...
Andrew and Sebastian got home just before 4:00. Sebastian's lymph nodes were a little swollen and that is likely what caused the bumps on his head... The doc said not to worry unless the rash from earlier today returned with a fever - that combo could spell meningitis (especially scary right now because a local 15 year old just passed of this). I'm not too worried, though, and will keep going on with normal life unless things change. He slept well for about 4 hours and other than being a little sleepy he was right back to normal asking for PB&J and ice cream (breakfast of champions).
As the day wore on, Sebastian went from acting vaguely sick to acting fully bored and ready to rock. We had skipped out on any big activities but decided a trip to the coffee shop and park would be good for both of us. He played vigorously and happily, dashing any residual fears I may have still been harbouring. By the time Andrew got home he was just fine.
Off to a baby shower so will need to continue this later (realising my week was far more "exciting" than it seemed at the time).
Saturday, April 28
sunshine and daydreams
The sun came out and we spent the bulk of our day finishing our move. If all goes as planned we will be completely moved (including cleaning and painting the old place - which we are painting because Sebastian used the walls as his personal canvasses on more than one occasion) by the end of tonight.
Andrew and I split duties well today - in the morning Sebastian and I cleaned and played at the old place while Andrew brought a car-load of stuff to the new house; in the afternoon Andrew and Sebastian washed the car and Sebastian napped briefly while I did the down and dirty cleaning (like behind the oven... EW). At about 3:30 we were done all but the painting. We came home and decided that rather than unload the car we would play on the lawn - *our* lawn.
I am so in love with our new place - even while I am surrounded by mountains of unpacking and facing drawbacks like no storage (wasn't a problem until we got the christmas tree and camping gear in the house... now we have some serious thinking to do). We can tell Sebastian loves it too - he has all but forgotten about watching TV and will now happily play on his own while I get mama things done.
I have actually lost some weight since my last weighing ("officially" 239 last month w/ my midwife, but was generally hovering around 237). This week I got my trusty scale from the old place and excitedly stepped on only to be shocked when the digital readout told me I had plummeted to 230. I checked it four times - twice in a different room - and kept getting the same number. Now I needed to remind myself it was early morning and I had yet to eat or drink anything - nor was I clothed, I went back this evening and got a much less worrisome 235. I don't really worry about not gaining any weight this pregnancy because I am a) already "above average" and b) know I am eating good food, but a loss of nearly 10 pounds at this point (15 weeks) frightened me a little.
After stepping back and assessing things I have decided, however, not to worry one bit. I will continue to eat well and perhaps add a healthy snack, like the banana, bran and soygurt I just consumed, and take care of myself and trust that if anything is out of balance my body will let me know. I have been walking WAY more - an average of 30 minutes/day compared to... almost nothing, so I have a feeling that is a factor in all this. I feel fantastic! We've been going to the park (two blocks from a great coffee shop), we've been walking to the store, we've been playing and running and having such a great time. Sebastian's behaviour is still challenging, he is a spirited and stubborn child. He is fucking brilliant which is a blessing and a curse, he is so good at communicating what he needs/wants that when he does have difficulty it is traumatic. I am learning (finally) how to read when he is tired or hungry and how to behave when those factors are getting in our way.
It is odd to me - he and I are so close and had this fluid, effortless relationship for so long and when we lost that I had trouble adapting. Actually this whole last year has been a series of painful adaptations. I got to a point where I just gave up, why bother trying when everything was always changing. I hadn't begun to find my community yet, I was lost and lonely and depressed. We were always out trying new things, trying to find "our thing" and the pace of that really got to both of us.
This time around (as we have just moved away from our old thing and I am not willing to make the commute one or twice a week to get back there) I am going to take the search more slowly. It is spring now and the sunny days are coming more often - we're going to spend time at the beach (35 mins by bus), going on adventures (the farm, the aquarium, the pool) and otherwise we're going to hit the nearby parks and meet as many other families as we can nearby, so that when the rains return we will have all the playdates we could need. And if nothing else Sebastian and I plan to have a blast this summer as it will be our last as a duo.
My point is this time, with this change being as permanent as we can foresee, I am being more patient with Sebastian and am being rewarded with the gift of being able to better understand him. Andrew and I haven't been getting along nearly as well, but we're trying - and that's a step. I am being a pain-in-the-ass pregnant mother and he's being a pain-in-the-ass husband of a pregnant mother. I am hoping that once we're settled in things will even out. I have to work harder at not being a raging bitch - he very wisely walked away from a completely irrational argument over a lack of hot water and who had the right to shower. We then spoiled ourselves with a dinner from Capers (I would kill to eat their soup and salad every night); uncovered Sebastian's hidden love of quiche (YAY) and his distaste for pakoras.
On the potty front - we've not had a second success, but brought over his toilet seat ring from the old house tonight and he got a real kick out of sitting on it! He's so excited about the prospect of being out of diapers and now just needs to get past the learning curve. I am not pushing it on him - he'll be trained eventually, it looks like sooner rather than later, and I want to do what I can to keep this a positive and exciting experience for him.
Enough blathering - I need some tea and my bed. (Sometimes when writing I think of the Monty Python philosophy - if you don't know how to end a skit just blow something up. I wish I could figure out a clever way to do that with prose. Until then I will have to settle for the occasional, abrupt, enough-is-enough ending and tonight I give you one of those.)
*boom*
Andrew and I split duties well today - in the morning Sebastian and I cleaned and played at the old place while Andrew brought a car-load of stuff to the new house; in the afternoon Andrew and Sebastian washed the car and Sebastian napped briefly while I did the down and dirty cleaning (like behind the oven... EW). At about 3:30 we were done all but the painting. We came home and decided that rather than unload the car we would play on the lawn - *our* lawn.
I am so in love with our new place - even while I am surrounded by mountains of unpacking and facing drawbacks like no storage (wasn't a problem until we got the christmas tree and camping gear in the house... now we have some serious thinking to do). We can tell Sebastian loves it too - he has all but forgotten about watching TV and will now happily play on his own while I get mama things done.
I have actually lost some weight since my last weighing ("officially" 239 last month w/ my midwife, but was generally hovering around 237). This week I got my trusty scale from the old place and excitedly stepped on only to be shocked when the digital readout told me I had plummeted to 230. I checked it four times - twice in a different room - and kept getting the same number. Now I needed to remind myself it was early morning and I had yet to eat or drink anything - nor was I clothed, I went back this evening and got a much less worrisome 235. I don't really worry about not gaining any weight this pregnancy because I am a) already "above average" and b) know I am eating good food, but a loss of nearly 10 pounds at this point (15 weeks) frightened me a little.
After stepping back and assessing things I have decided, however, not to worry one bit. I will continue to eat well and perhaps add a healthy snack, like the banana, bran and soygurt I just consumed, and take care of myself and trust that if anything is out of balance my body will let me know. I have been walking WAY more - an average of 30 minutes/day compared to... almost nothing, so I have a feeling that is a factor in all this. I feel fantastic! We've been going to the park (two blocks from a great coffee shop), we've been walking to the store, we've been playing and running and having such a great time. Sebastian's behaviour is still challenging, he is a spirited and stubborn child. He is fucking brilliant which is a blessing and a curse, he is so good at communicating what he needs/wants that when he does have difficulty it is traumatic. I am learning (finally) how to read when he is tired or hungry and how to behave when those factors are getting in our way.
It is odd to me - he and I are so close and had this fluid, effortless relationship for so long and when we lost that I had trouble adapting. Actually this whole last year has been a series of painful adaptations. I got to a point where I just gave up, why bother trying when everything was always changing. I hadn't begun to find my community yet, I was lost and lonely and depressed. We were always out trying new things, trying to find "our thing" and the pace of that really got to both of us.
This time around (as we have just moved away from our old thing and I am not willing to make the commute one or twice a week to get back there) I am going to take the search more slowly. It is spring now and the sunny days are coming more often - we're going to spend time at the beach (35 mins by bus), going on adventures (the farm, the aquarium, the pool) and otherwise we're going to hit the nearby parks and meet as many other families as we can nearby, so that when the rains return we will have all the playdates we could need. And if nothing else Sebastian and I plan to have a blast this summer as it will be our last as a duo.
My point is this time, with this change being as permanent as we can foresee, I am being more patient with Sebastian and am being rewarded with the gift of being able to better understand him. Andrew and I haven't been getting along nearly as well, but we're trying - and that's a step. I am being a pain-in-the-ass pregnant mother and he's being a pain-in-the-ass husband of a pregnant mother. I am hoping that once we're settled in things will even out. I have to work harder at not being a raging bitch - he very wisely walked away from a completely irrational argument over a lack of hot water and who had the right to shower. We then spoiled ourselves with a dinner from Capers (I would kill to eat their soup and salad every night); uncovered Sebastian's hidden love of quiche (YAY) and his distaste for pakoras.
On the potty front - we've not had a second success, but brought over his toilet seat ring from the old house tonight and he got a real kick out of sitting on it! He's so excited about the prospect of being out of diapers and now just needs to get past the learning curve. I am not pushing it on him - he'll be trained eventually, it looks like sooner rather than later, and I want to do what I can to keep this a positive and exciting experience for him.
Enough blathering - I need some tea and my bed. (Sometimes when writing I think of the Monty Python philosophy - if you don't know how to end a skit just blow something up. I wish I could figure out a clever way to do that with prose. Until then I will have to settle for the occasional, abrupt, enough-is-enough ending and tonight I give you one of those.)
*boom*
Thursday, April 26
HE POOPS!
in the potty. Okay, well, he did it once and it was fucking awesome!
I noticed earlier this week he had started to say "mom" immediately before bearing down. So today when he was playing with dad he pulled his "mom" thing and Andrew sprinted to the potty with him to "complete the transaction" they were both beaming when they came out to tell me. In my excitement I picked Sebastian up to hug as Andrew gives me this look I can only interpret as "uh, that was a bad idea, Kate" and sheepishly admits he hadn't quite made it to the bum-wiping part of the process. So my new dress (which is cute as hell, by the way) has been christened and I am back in my uniform of jeans and a tank top.
I don't even care about the damned dress (it *is* cute as hell, though) - I am just so happy to welcome the "potty training" stage into our lives. I hate diapers (and the laundering of diapers) enough to seriously consider going diaper-free this time. We have been using disposables since moving day (nearly two weeks now) and the break from washing diapers is blissful (though I feel awful about the environmental impact- making our current potty endeavour even *more* timely). I have not quite figured out how to do the cloth diapers while using a laundromat, I just don't think it would be cool - even if the owners were okay with it I worry that other patrons would be grossed out by the thought of sharing their wash-space with diapers. Poop is a touchy subject no matter how emphatically you insist there is none present in the diapers you are cleaning. I digress... My point is that I am so very excited to get Sebastian trained and have set an imaginary deadline of whenever the disposables we have on hand run out (a couple weeks, give or take). After that we have some training pants tucked away and can sort something less disposable out for nights that can bee innocuously slipped into our weekly laundry.
In other news, I went shopping today (BAD KATE) and bought some new, uber-comfy maternity jeans. It is amazing how my requirements for pregnancy wear have changed in 2 years. Back when I was pregs with Sebastian I was all about the cute styles and wouldn't even TRY anything with a front panel. This time? Front panels *RULE* and everything I bought has loads of stretch. I do not want to grow out of clothes at the depressing rate I did last time. It is bad enough that I am getting fatter by the day- to then be confronted by a closet full of already oversize clothing that doesn't fit is crushing.
On today's shopping trip I also picked up some amazing chocolate-dipped gummy-bears (I am not ignorant enough to believe they are gelatin-free - just enough of an asshole not to care) and a bottle of oil that promises to soothe the savage child. It smells really nice, if nothing else, but I am hoping it will help during the late-afternoon "witching hour(s)" even if I am the only one it manages to calm.
I noticed earlier this week he had started to say "mom" immediately before bearing down. So today when he was playing with dad he pulled his "mom" thing and Andrew sprinted to the potty with him to "complete the transaction" they were both beaming when they came out to tell me. In my excitement I picked Sebastian up to hug as Andrew gives me this look I can only interpret as "uh, that was a bad idea, Kate" and sheepishly admits he hadn't quite made it to the bum-wiping part of the process. So my new dress (which is cute as hell, by the way) has been christened and I am back in my uniform of jeans and a tank top.
I don't even care about the damned dress (it *is* cute as hell, though) - I am just so happy to welcome the "potty training" stage into our lives. I hate diapers (and the laundering of diapers) enough to seriously consider going diaper-free this time. We have been using disposables since moving day (nearly two weeks now) and the break from washing diapers is blissful (though I feel awful about the environmental impact- making our current potty endeavour even *more* timely). I have not quite figured out how to do the cloth diapers while using a laundromat, I just don't think it would be cool - even if the owners were okay with it I worry that other patrons would be grossed out by the thought of sharing their wash-space with diapers. Poop is a touchy subject no matter how emphatically you insist there is none present in the diapers you are cleaning. I digress... My point is that I am so very excited to get Sebastian trained and have set an imaginary deadline of whenever the disposables we have on hand run out (a couple weeks, give or take). After that we have some training pants tucked away and can sort something less disposable out for nights that can bee innocuously slipped into our weekly laundry.
In other news, I went shopping today (BAD KATE) and bought some new, uber-comfy maternity jeans. It is amazing how my requirements for pregnancy wear have changed in 2 years. Back when I was pregs with Sebastian I was all about the cute styles and wouldn't even TRY anything with a front panel. This time? Front panels *RULE* and everything I bought has loads of stretch. I do not want to grow out of clothes at the depressing rate I did last time. It is bad enough that I am getting fatter by the day- to then be confronted by a closet full of already oversize clothing that doesn't fit is crushing.
On today's shopping trip I also picked up some amazing chocolate-dipped gummy-bears (I am not ignorant enough to believe they are gelatin-free - just enough of an asshole not to care) and a bottle of oil that promises to soothe the savage child. It smells really nice, if nothing else, but I am hoping it will help during the late-afternoon "witching hour(s)" even if I am the only one it manages to calm.
Wednesday, April 25
nothing but rain
Okay, not nothing but rain. In fact the sun has been shining a lot lately and with it my mood is lifting.
I haven't written in ages because, frankly, I have been too bummed. I keep trying to write- I know for a fact that it helps me through times like these. But like so many blue funks before I instead retreated into aimless busy-work. Things like bouncing around hipmama.com or facebook or just wandering around the internet from curious article to curious article.
I have been taking in all the recent world changes, the deaths of people of historical significance, Kurt Vonnegut, Boris Yeltsin, the people of Virginia Tech... I have been hit over the head with the reality of global warming (though we all know we knew it long ago - we just thought our kids would be left holding the bag. Denial is a comfortable place.) My family's gone veg, something that's been a long time coming - I used my pregnancy to excuse my one jump off the wagon, I had a delicious steak while enjoying a free expensive dinner with one of my favourite mamas. We've moved to a new place much closer to EVERYTHING we moved to Vancouver for. We're struggling to adapt to a real budget that promises to get our debt-ridden asses out of the red one day. I am adjusting to my new dual role as baby-oven and toddler wrangler while simultaneously trying to restore order to our new abode. Life, as usual, is filled with highs and lows and I continue to handle them with my oft-unproductive, but dramatic flair.
On pregnancy - I have alluded to the fact that my pregnancy has taken more getting used to than I had anticipated. The reality is I went through what I realise now were the five stages of grief. Grief for the future I had lost, the plans I had made that would now be put on hold or altered entirely. All stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression - leading me to acceptance. I've been embarrassed to admit I felt this way. I really did want to get pregnant again. But I also really wanted my imagined life as mother of an only child. The relative ease with which I would be able to go back to school, how connected I imagined we would be, how we would travel and do things together... this reality isn't going to be a huge shift from that one (I hope) and I know that much of my desire to have him be an only child was to make up for my perception that I was the ignored older sibling of a much younger (half) sister. What I do know is that I can control how that all goes down as long as I stay mindful - a tall order for most parents. I have come to eagerly anticipate having a second child, though find myself just barely aware of my pregnancy much of the time. This attitude is so different from that of my first pregnancy that I often wonder if I "ought" to be more caught up in the"magic" of it all or if this "been there, done that" attitude is pretty normal.
Regardless of attitude the reality of my pregnancy is becoming more and more apparent. I have this odd counter-intuitive bodily reaction occurring where I am not gaining much weight (two pounds since getting knocked-up) but not one thing still fits well, I spend most of my days in my one pair of stretchy pregnancy jeans, the ones that keep my ever-expanding flubber contained in such a way as to simulate a cute pregnant belly, and on the days they're dirty I spend as much time as motherly possible trying to shove myself into something that doesn't make me look like the fat-ass I am (pregnant or not, I am a fat-ass). I desperately fight the urge to blow all the bill money on cute pregnancy clothes that I don't have to hold up with an elastic band. My mood-swings have lessened in frequency and severity but are still causing much tension chez casa del forsyth.
Tomorrow, Andrew is taking a sick day so that we can just bum about doing whatever we feel like (ignoring the packing/unpacking and cleaning/painting that require doing by end of month). I am looking forward to what I hope will be a day "off" for all of us. Dinner is already half-finished (leftovers from tonight's burritos will be mexican rice tomorrow), the house is tidy and all major chores have been done. I only counted nine boxes on my walk through tonight, and nothing essential in any of them. If the sun comes out (which is unlikely) we will hit the beach, if not we will grab coffees and got play at the park in the rain before looking for other ways to spend our time (I may, MAY, allow myself a modest shopping trip for another pair of pants and a shirt or two. I haven't decided yet), alternatively I pull out the sewing machine and start on a new mei-tai carrier for Sebastian. He's in a phase where he hates the stroller but can't walk all that far without needing a ride and my hips can't take much more of him riding on one side.
Yeah, maybe I'll do that.
Tuesday, April 10
Archives 2003-2007
Since I am making the move to blogger permanent I thought some of you might wonder where I've come from, where I've been. I've spent a good number of years on Livejournal and you can catch upon my past misadventures here (2003-2006) and here (2006-present).
Happy reading!
Happy reading!
Sunday, April 8
spring ahead, fall back
I have made several big changes to my blogs over the years - last year I made the small leap to a new blog that continued to use Livejournal... I love LJ and the community feel of it - but, I think I have outgrown it somehow. I can't put my finger on anything specific, but it has been dogging me for a while now and I have known in my heart of hearts it was time to start fresh.
If you are a new reader and would like to gaze at the last few years of my life you can check out idyllia_is (my most recent home on the web) and theantibarbie (my first experiments in online journaling).
This journal will be a place to write and share and work through the changes I see coming and those just over the horizon. Spring 2007, like many before, promises to bring many scary and wonderful changes, I hope to face them all head-on and with dignity - but that will remain to be seen. I hope my friends enjoy this insight into my inner workings and I really hope none of you think much less of me for it.
K
If you are a new reader and would like to gaze at the last few years of my life you can check out idyllia_is (my most recent home on the web) and theantibarbie (my first experiments in online journaling).
This journal will be a place to write and share and work through the changes I see coming and those just over the horizon. Spring 2007, like many before, promises to bring many scary and wonderful changes, I hope to face them all head-on and with dignity - but that will remain to be seen. I hope my friends enjoy this insight into my inner workings and I really hope none of you think much less of me for it.
K
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