I have just had the most amazing, wonderful weekend with my family. Mother's Day was a great excuse - but we know we didn't really need one (it just allowed me to feel like a little less of a bitch while calling all the shots, that, and I got flowers!).
This last week saw me hit my breaking point in a few areas of my life. I hit an all-time low when a mama at the park actually made me cry, I called a friend on an episode of racism, I got realistic about our financial and dietary laziness, and felt hatred and resentment towards my offspring like never before. I also started therapy that will in time develop into couple's counselling for Andrew and I, finally got a working fridge, stood tall, planted a garden, and am working on parenting mindfully again. I found deep love and admiration for both my husband and son - who are smarter, sweeter and more understanding than I ever give them credit for. I felt a change within me when instead of feeling anger towards the woman at the park who stepped on my proverbial toes and made me question my parenting, I felt compassion towards her and saw how fragile my confidence in my mothering had become. I used it as a catalyst for change.
I feel the change deep within me. It has been rolling under the surface for weeks - just waiting for me to let go and let it return me to a state of inner peace. It is amazing, I knew the key was in this book I love called Mommy Mantras but it took days of reading to find it, I was so focused on the sections about dealing with anger and depression that I missed it completely. A simple mantra full of power "I took the vow," meaning I made the decision to have a child and to get pregnant a second time, I took the vow - shit and all. It instantly took me away from the place where I was constantly second-guessing everything and daydreaming of a different life, to the present, with all its problems and trials and reminded me that I made a promise to do right as a mother and that no matter what life throws at me that is the one promise I don't get to walk away from. I took the vow.