First a little update from yesterday - Andrew came home early and arrived just after Sebastian woke up. The two of them went out and picked up Indian take-out and a bottle of wine (neither of which we could afford, but I am so not complaining). We had a lovely little dinner and I nursed my glass of wine while Sebastian and Andrew played outside. I got a bunch of work done on a very pressing sewing project. We totally meant to go to bed early, but I ended up staying up and basking in the great support of a bunch of online mothers. I got a very nice email from a good friend who I haven't seen in months that brought me to tears. I feel so much better knowing that I am not defective - I am really glad I shared.
And now, back to those tiny fists of fury.
I mentioned yesterday that Sebastian has taken to hitting - it comes and it goes, and has since he became mobile. While I really hate seeing him do it, and *loathe* the feeling of impotence
Friday, August 31
Thursday, August 30
a dose of honesty
Today, with best intentions, I took my son to a local drop-in program and told myself I would try to meet some nearby moms. We've been having such a rough time of things, a bunch of it is in my head, some of it is toddler behaviour, some of it is from having no one to talk to and no where to go to let off steam, and some of it is being 33 weeks pregnant.
I am overwhelmed and so very frightened that this new baby, a baby we swore we would never have and never expected, will send me over the edge. That my secret fear - that I am a really crap mother - will come true and all I will have done is to have thrown two more maladjusted humans (at best) or two sociopaths (at worst?) into the world.
My son is a hitter - today at the drop in he repeatedly whacked a child half his age with a plastic toy, to the horror of everyone around. He was mad because she was trying to take it away. That was it - we packed up, me feeling embarrassed and impotent as my son hit his head against mine.
Yesterday it was a child at the mall play area. Later today it was a child in the sandbox. I know he gets it from me - lately, instead of calmly talking to him on his level when I am frustrated, I have physically removed him and placed him in time-outs, or just lifted him to eye level (to then talk) - I have physically asserted my power over him. He is now doing the same where and when he can. He knows that hitting earns him a time-out and will even say, after punching me - "time out chair? set dinger?"
Today I was putting him down for a nap and it was not going well at all. He was tired, but wired (we'd slept like shit the night before) and also frustrated. I was uncomfortable and frustrated, I suspect he also needed to poop (since he just did). Most days if I just sit and calmly ignore his shenanigans he tires himself out and passes out - to wake two hours later calm and happy. Today ignoring him just made him escalate. Meanwhile my swollen ankles are starting to ache and my ass, which didn't fit in the chair in his room before I got pregnant, is killing me. Thoughts of how the hell I am going to put a demanding toddler to sleep while caring for a newborn swimming in my head. I snapped, I yelled, I whipped the pillow he was trying to stick his head into away from him and threw it on the floor, I grabbed him and sat him on my lap, I made empty threats, my teeth were clenched, it took every ounce of self-control I had not to hit him - in my head I saw myself doing it repeatedly, I imagined myself physically abusing my son and so much of me wanted to do it. I have only felt like this once, maybe twice before - the only time I have spanked him came out of this feeling and my guilt over that will stay with me forever.
I got out. I swore I would wait him out and "make him sleep" but then I looked at him and could see that he was just as determined not to sleep and that this would all end badly if I didn't escape. Not ready to give up my "upper hand" I tried to make it clear that we were not leaving to play, but to sit, together, in a more comfortable chair. It was in that chair that I started writing a text message to my husband that I hoped would get him to leave work early and save the both of us before I did something I might regret. Sebastian thought we were playing a game - after switching hands three times I hit the phone against the arm of the chair as I tried to slip his grip again and the screen went blank. It was gone (the message, my phone is still alright) and I promptly burst into tears.
I tried to hide my crying from Sebastian (difficult, considering he was on my knee) and when he asked what happened, in that cute toddler voice he has, it broke my heart into a million pieces. I gushed that I wasn't doing a very good job and that I was sorry and that I loved him very much - to which he smiled and started pointing out my body parts. My armpit, my elbow, my neck, my chin - he touched a tear and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tear and that I was crying. He said "oh" and pointed to one that had dropped to my chest "cry on boob?"
That made me smile. I told him again that I loved him and that I was sorry that I didn't know how to be a better mother, I looked him in the eyes and he did the craziest thing... he smiled. His whole body smiled at me and then he gave me a kiss.
We made faces at each other and we laughed... I wiped away my tears and decided he wasn't going to nap today, after all. I put Boo on the floor and sent a message to Andrew asking him to come home early if possible and to please send me some positive parenting vibes.
Sebastian asked me politely if he could play with this and that, "May I please play with my truck?" "May I please play with my stethoscope?" And then, "May I have a snack?" He pulled his cheerios out of his backpack an ate a few - this seemed to be the thing he'd needed to set his digestive system to work and he pooped. He asked for a new diaper and I, having had a chance to think, asked him if he would like a cup of milk and a nap after I changed his diaper.
And so it went - I changed his bum, gave him milk, read him a book, consoled him when he bumped his head rolling around on the bed and, finally, watched him fall asleep.
I've got a lot to deal with, inside and out. I am still overwhelmed and I am still scared as shit about what my near-future holds, but things seem just a wee bit more manageable from where I'm standing now.
and now, a bit of regret
I realised while thinking about my amazing growing boy (who yesterday asserted that he had a sister - we shall see if he is right!) that in April his dad and I wrenched him our of a community of families that he was just growing comfortable with and have yet to replace them. Part of it is that I didn't want to have to "replace" any of the wonderful people we had met while we were living in New West, and part of it was my hormonal hermityness, and part of it was my shyness - I had spent so much of my social energy meeting the people I had met - could I really do that again??
So we have kept busy and have seen our old friends on occasion (old friends who I miss dearly and wish I could see more often) but we have yet to make any nearby. That is a lie, I have met loads of parents and kids - I haven't invested much energy into becoming their friends.
Today I promise all of us that I will make more of an effort to meet some people and be social. We're off to the Family Centre this morning (finally) and instead of heading downstairs and talking to the staff, I will find some other parents to talk to.
OK?
go!
maybe I ought to shower first...
So we have kept busy and have seen our old friends on occasion (old friends who I miss dearly and wish I could see more often) but we have yet to make any nearby. That is a lie, I have met loads of parents and kids - I haven't invested much energy into becoming their friends.
Today I promise all of us that I will make more of an effort to meet some people and be social. We're off to the Family Centre this morning (finally) and instead of heading downstairs and talking to the staff, I will find some other parents to talk to.
OK?
go!
maybe I ought to shower first...
who's child is this?
I look over at my barely awake, but smiling, son and I wonder - when did you grow so?
Just yesterday you were my young nursling, just yesterday you got your first tooth, just yesterday you said your first word, took your first steps, just yesterday you were a part of me, just yesterday you were my baby.
Today I look over and I see a child. You talk in sentences, you ask questions, you have "ideas" and state them proudly - like your idea to make a bridge from the couch to the coffee table to run your cars across - you have likes and dislikes and also state those proudly. You cry when the kids on TV get frightened when the ghost chases them - not because you're scared, but because you feel badly for them and can't do anything to help. You are always ready to offer a crying a kid a big hug, though sometimes those hugs make things a little worse and often you were the reason they were crying in the first place. You asserted the other day that you "love sharing!" And that is so sweet (if not always quite true). You LOVE peanut butter and hate anything green. You can "read" The Very Hungry Caterpillar the whole way through. You are observant and love to narrate your days - and though I may sometimes wish you would just stop talking for a moment, I love the wonder you find in the world and the pride you take in your ever-expanding vocabulary. I love that you say "please" and "thank-you" and always ask for a napkin.
When did this happen?
Yesterday I bought you a little backpack* and the moment you put it on I saw you as the preschooler you are. You'll always be my "baby" but you will never again be my petit bebe.
Love,
your mama
*I broke my own "No Licensed Products" rule, but you do *love* Thomas the Tank so very much and it could be worse, it could have been that hideous Cars bag.
Just yesterday you were my young nursling, just yesterday you got your first tooth, just yesterday you said your first word, took your first steps, just yesterday you were a part of me, just yesterday you were my baby.
Today I look over and I see a child. You talk in sentences, you ask questions, you have "ideas" and state them proudly - like your idea to make a bridge from the couch to the coffee table to run your cars across - you have likes and dislikes and also state those proudly. You cry when the kids on TV get frightened when the ghost chases them - not because you're scared, but because you feel badly for them and can't do anything to help. You are always ready to offer a crying a kid a big hug, though sometimes those hugs make things a little worse and often you were the reason they were crying in the first place. You asserted the other day that you "love sharing!" And that is so sweet (if not always quite true). You LOVE peanut butter and hate anything green. You can "read" The Very Hungry Caterpillar the whole way through. You are observant and love to narrate your days - and though I may sometimes wish you would just stop talking for a moment, I love the wonder you find in the world and the pride you take in your ever-expanding vocabulary. I love that you say "please" and "thank-you" and always ask for a napkin.
When did this happen?
Yesterday I bought you a little backpack* and the moment you put it on I saw you as the preschooler you are. You'll always be my "baby" but you will never again be my petit bebe.
Love,
your mama
*I broke my own "No Licensed Products" rule, but you do *love* Thomas the Tank so very much and it could be worse, it could have been that hideous Cars bag.
Tuesday, August 28
sick day
Sebastian and I took a sick day today - we skipped the family centre this morning after a long series of small tantrums. That, combined with his still-runny (clear snot) nose, led me to believe that he wasn't feeling 100%. So, instead, we did one of those things we rarely do - we spent the day on the bed watching movies.
We watched Cars and Over the Hedge - two of his "favourites" before nap-time. I managed to get more done in my attempts to streamline our household processes (oh, oh, who used to be a manager???) and I am giving the whole (somewhat cultish) FlyLady bit another shot. Though this time it is on my terms!
During Sebastian's nap I watched Starsky and Hutch and got to work. I will post my progress as I work through this - I am figuring I only have a few short weeks left to get us onto something we can follow amid the chaos, one of which will be spent in another province, so I am poo-pooing the baby-steps and jumping in with both feet. The next little bit will likely include a lot of throwing ideas up and seeing what sticks. Thankfully we don't have anything too complex to worry about - our apartment is tiny and our budget small, my routines are already pretty simple - now it is just a matter of getting stuff to a point where a monkey could do it (knowing that that will be about how functional we will be post kid#2). Last month I made a master budget to take us through until fall, I need to tweak a few things (how on earth did I forget to include Andrew's monthly bus pass??) and extend it through to next year. This budget is based on months of budgeting and effort, but is to a point where I can automate most of our bill payments and set up calendar notifications that go to both Andrew and I when we need to physically do something.
Having done that and having done a lot of work on our meal plans and grocery habits, I figure consolidating everything and adding housework will be, if not simple - at least doable.
After Sebastian's nap I popped him back in front of the Backyardigans and did a little necessary nesting. Last week I cleaned out my cupboard and put all our bulk stuff into jars, so we can see what we really have.
And then today I scrubbed under the sink and finally organised our pots, pans, plastics and appliance cupboard (the biggest of three cupboards in our teeny kitchen). That's two huge things off my pre-baby to-do list (a long, long list).
In other news, my first-ever vegetable garden is making food we can eat - we got a nice harvest of peas and this last week we have eaten beans and onions from the garden. I have some beets and (a whole LOT of) cucumbers that will be ready for harvest pretty soon. There are even tomatoes on my tomato plants. This is especially exciting when I consider that I a) had not a clue what I was doing and b) pretty much neglected the whole thing all summer.
We watched Cars and Over the Hedge - two of his "favourites" before nap-time. I managed to get more done in my attempts to streamline our household processes (oh, oh, who used to be a manager???) and I am giving the whole (somewhat cultish) FlyLady bit another shot. Though this time it is on my terms!
During Sebastian's nap I watched Starsky and Hutch and got to work. I will post my progress as I work through this - I am figuring I only have a few short weeks left to get us onto something we can follow amid the chaos, one of which will be spent in another province, so I am poo-pooing the baby-steps and jumping in with both feet. The next little bit will likely include a lot of throwing ideas up and seeing what sticks. Thankfully we don't have anything too complex to worry about - our apartment is tiny and our budget small, my routines are already pretty simple - now it is just a matter of getting stuff to a point where a monkey could do it (knowing that that will be about how functional we will be post kid#2). Last month I made a master budget to take us through until fall, I need to tweak a few things (how on earth did I forget to include Andrew's monthly bus pass??) and extend it through to next year. This budget is based on months of budgeting and effort, but is to a point where I can automate most of our bill payments and set up calendar notifications that go to both Andrew and I when we need to physically do something.
Having done that and having done a lot of work on our meal plans and grocery habits, I figure consolidating everything and adding housework will be, if not simple - at least doable.
After Sebastian's nap I popped him back in front of the Backyardigans and did a little necessary nesting. Last week I cleaned out my cupboard and put all our bulk stuff into jars, so we can see what we really have.
And then today I scrubbed under the sink and finally organised our pots, pans, plastics and appliance cupboard (the biggest of three cupboards in our teeny kitchen). That's two huge things off my pre-baby to-do list (a long, long list).In other news, my first-ever vegetable garden is making food we can eat - we got a nice harvest of peas and this last week we have eaten beans and onions from the garden. I have some beets and (a whole LOT of) cucumbers that will be ready for harvest pretty soon. There are even tomatoes on my tomato plants. This is especially exciting when I consider that I a) had not a clue what I was doing and b) pretty much neglected the whole thing all summer.
Saturday, August 25
if I manage to move my butt off the couch
and do the three things I want to get done first, I am going to make this bread from the New Homemaker site. I am out of wheat gluten (I actually forgot why it was I used to buy it) and so will be messing with the recipe a little, but the process looks like it is most of the trick anyways.
okay - 1...2...3....ooooooof
UPDATE - I did not get to this yesterday, it is now 10:00am and I have just started the first step. I'm planning on making one loaf and some dinner rolls, since I only have one bread pan.
SECOND UPDATE - The bread rocks, unfortunately we totally overcooked it because we had to run out and do an errand and trusted our oven's timer. On the way home Andrew pointed out that the over takes for-freaking-ever to cool off after use so the bread would likely be over-baked. It was. The stuff in the centre was delish and moist though and I am definitely making the bread again. The steps seems a little daunting (a sponge??) but it was actually all pretty simple and quick between waits. I used my mixer for kneading and will continue to unless I have an extra 30 minutes for kneading (an activity I totally enjoy), and because I was gluten-less I used one cup white flour and reduced the w/w by 1/2 a cup. Though while kneading I added about an extra 1/2 cup w/w flour to keep it from being too sticky. When I have a successful loaf (tomorrow, if I am on the ball enough) I will post.
okay - 1...2...3....ooooooof
UPDATE - I did not get to this yesterday, it is now 10:00am and I have just started the first step. I'm planning on making one loaf and some dinner rolls, since I only have one bread pan.
SECOND UPDATE - The bread rocks, unfortunately we totally overcooked it because we had to run out and do an errand and trusted our oven's timer. On the way home Andrew pointed out that the over takes for-freaking-ever to cool off after use so the bread would likely be over-baked. It was. The stuff in the centre was delish and moist though and I am definitely making the bread again. The steps seems a little daunting (a sponge??) but it was actually all pretty simple and quick between waits. I used my mixer for kneading and will continue to unless I have an extra 30 minutes for kneading (an activity I totally enjoy), and because I was gluten-less I used one cup white flour and reduced the w/w by 1/2 a cup. Though while kneading I added about an extra 1/2 cup w/w flour to keep it from being too sticky. When I have a successful loaf (tomorrow, if I am on the ball enough) I will post.
this is news?
Roger Ebert issues thumbs ban on syndicated show
CBC.caSeriously, folks, this is important? Yet I didn't find out about Youssif until another blogger wrote about it... hmmmm
what... what?
Three days after a lovely visit from my sister,my house and family are getting back into the groove. Fall is upon us - the crisp breeze spilling from the window behind me is lightly scented with the promise of rain and pretty soon a sweater will be in order.
Sebastian and I are on the tail-end of a mild, but annoying, head cold. It has made the last week, including the tail-end of Amy's visit, fairly unpleasant. Sebastian has been a tiny emotional powder keg, blowing his top at the most unpredictable (and inconvenient) times. Andrew and I are feeling a little frayed due to it, coupled with my general pregnancy discomfort and return of my moodiness, (which I am trying so very very hard to keep in check) it would be an understatement to say that tensions are palpable.
I have also managed to possibly alienate a few family members and friends by being an unintentional jerk - but am also a little worried I am reading too much into chilly communication. I am really hoping everything will blow over, but am pretty sure I am going to have to figure something out.
Times like these make me with I had more brain-power at my disposal.
And if you are any of the many people I have angered or offended I really, truly am sorry. I hate to admit I don't even know who (or how many whos) I have pissed off - I just know that I've been a little nutso and hermity and get the feeling people are talking to me through clenched teeth. I think I may just keep hiding out until October/November, when, ideally, my hormones will start evening out and (hopefully) my mind will come back to me (I am hoping it has had fun on its long vacation - I sure have missed it).
If I haven't pissed you off yet, I might - so I am going to apologise in advance.
Sebastian and I are on the tail-end of a mild, but annoying, head cold. It has made the last week, including the tail-end of Amy's visit, fairly unpleasant. Sebastian has been a tiny emotional powder keg, blowing his top at the most unpredictable (and inconvenient) times. Andrew and I are feeling a little frayed due to it, coupled with my general pregnancy discomfort and return of my moodiness, (which I am trying so very very hard to keep in check) it would be an understatement to say that tensions are palpable.
I have also managed to possibly alienate a few family members and friends by being an unintentional jerk - but am also a little worried I am reading too much into chilly communication. I am really hoping everything will blow over, but am pretty sure I am going to have to figure something out.
Times like these make me with I had more brain-power at my disposal.
And if you are any of the many people I have angered or offended I really, truly am sorry. I hate to admit I don't even know who (or how many whos) I have pissed off - I just know that I've been a little nutso and hermity and get the feeling people are talking to me through clenched teeth. I think I may just keep hiding out until October/November, when, ideally, my hormones will start evening out and (hopefully) my mind will come back to me (I am hoping it has had fun on its long vacation - I sure have missed it).
If I haven't pissed you off yet, I might - so I am going to apologise in advance.
Thursday, August 23
to do
budget
SPUD
calendar
email
meal plan
put calendar back on page
write something meaningful
clean out fridge
do laundry
clean house
do something fun with Sebastian
order science world pass for andrew
SPUD
calendar
meal plan
put calendar back on page
write something meaningful
clean out fridge
do laundry
clean house
do something fun with Sebastian
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