Wednesday, May 21

hump day

Recently, I told somebody close to me to "grow up." They'd been behaving in a way that I thought was pretty assy and after brewing a bit of resentment, I confronted them lovingly. Things since then have improved, with this person making a concentrated effort to be more responsible and accountable. I appreciate the effort even more than I show, so how come I don't feel any better??

Could it be possible I've been projecting a weensy bit? My sense is that yes, I have been. Turns out my disappointment is actually with myself. Big sigh. This sucks.

There is so much I am slacking on (huge) and instead of doing something about it, I am trying in tiny ways to run away. My version of running away involves whining, retreating and acting very selfishly. In other words, I run back to being a child. That technique was all fine and good when I was younger and could bask in the misery that is a week in bed feeling sorry for myself, but now it just doesn't jive with my role as mother bear. It has been frustrating, but in the end I suspect it is a good thing.

Time for pulling up the old bootstraps (once I find them) and get some of the things causing me the greatest amount of anxiety and guilt taken care of. I started by dumping my ever-growing to-do box (yes, it had grown to such proportions that it took up 1/2 a banker's box) and making some piles and lists. I filed some things, chucked some things (like fliers for rallies that I missed back in March and April) and even made a call to find out that the reason we don't get any of those sweet government benefits for Rigby is because to them, she doesn't exist. Oops. The instructions for getting her information to them are complex, but not overly so. With luck, next month we'll get a fat cheque (which we will very responsibly use to finally pay off a credit card).

That last bit is what really gets me, in the past few months, we have received and then spent, enough money to pay off most of our credit card debt. How's that for irresponsible?

(see? food!)

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