this video is amazing, I just had to share
Thursday, June 7
baby steps
I've been going on and on about how miserable I have been feeling and I wanted to share (as well as record for posterity) our tiny successes today.
This morning we slept in a little, found out the library we wanted to go to didn't open until noon and quickly came up with an alternative. S helped me make lunch (he threw the lunch bag on the floor and then ate a piece of cheese, all after sticking our little ice-pack down his pants).
We went to this thing called the play palace that has bouncy castles and ride on toys and a toddler "pit" with a house and a kitchen and padded floors. It cost us less than a fancy coffee ($3.65) and was only a 15 minute drive away. Sebastian played well with the hoards of other kids with minimal intervention on my part (I was alternating between hovering and engaging for all but the 15 minutes it took me to down the coffee I had brought from home). We took a lunch break when he started getting "the crazy" and happily moseyed back in for a 15 minute wrap up. He was all about leaving - we played the "what are you missing?" game, but couldn't resist a mad dash into the arena while I tied my shoes. Thankfully as I dragged him out of there he accepted my explanation that shoes were not allowed and so that was why he could not stay and play any more.
you know, for kids:
We were then able to drop off our overdue movie rentals *and* hit the library right at noon to pick up most of my long list of toddler re-programming books. We also grabbed a few board books, two dvds and 2 cds for S while he munched a clandestine snack and drank his pre-nap milk. In the five minute drive between the library and our house he faded fast.
Arriving home I decided to forgo emptying the car and just grabbed my wallet, keys and the boy. We came inside, he politely requested a diaper change and I took the opportunity to also change him into his PJs. He wasn't exactly happy, knowing that the change of clothes meant he was doomed to nap, but I stayed wonderfully calm and distracted him with three books of increasing sleepiness (10 little ladybugs, happy babies and g'night moon). We rocked for what seemed like forever - my poor back - and both times he thrust himself away from me I calmly held him tight and told him I didn't want him to fall. We rocked until he was calm enough to lie down without getting excited again, read g'night moon one last time and went to sleep. All told it took us only 30 minutes.
I figure I should be able to get a solid two hour nap out of him, giving me time to write this entry, get the bags out of the car, make a snack, plan dinner and maybe even start reading one of the books I brought home (though I won't hold my breath).
Thanks to the words and support of many friends, both on and off-line, I am feeling much clearer and calmer today. I just wanted to say thanks!
This morning we slept in a little, found out the library we wanted to go to didn't open until noon and quickly came up with an alternative. S helped me make lunch (he threw the lunch bag on the floor and then ate a piece of cheese, all after sticking our little ice-pack down his pants).
We went to this thing called the play palace that has bouncy castles and ride on toys and a toddler "pit" with a house and a kitchen and padded floors. It cost us less than a fancy coffee ($3.65) and was only a 15 minute drive away. Sebastian played well with the hoards of other kids with minimal intervention on my part (I was alternating between hovering and engaging for all but the 15 minutes it took me to down the coffee I had brought from home). We took a lunch break when he started getting "the crazy" and happily moseyed back in for a 15 minute wrap up. He was all about leaving - we played the "what are you missing?" game, but couldn't resist a mad dash into the arena while I tied my shoes. Thankfully as I dragged him out of there he accepted my explanation that shoes were not allowed and so that was why he could not stay and play any more.
you know, for kids:
We were then able to drop off our overdue movie rentals *and* hit the library right at noon to pick up most of my long list of toddler re-programming books. We also grabbed a few board books, two dvds and 2 cds for S while he munched a clandestine snack and drank his pre-nap milk. In the five minute drive between the library and our house he faded fast.
Arriving home I decided to forgo emptying the car and just grabbed my wallet, keys and the boy. We came inside, he politely requested a diaper change and I took the opportunity to also change him into his PJs. He wasn't exactly happy, knowing that the change of clothes meant he was doomed to nap, but I stayed wonderfully calm and distracted him with three books of increasing sleepiness (10 little ladybugs, happy babies and g'night moon). We rocked for what seemed like forever - my poor back - and both times he thrust himself away from me I calmly held him tight and told him I didn't want him to fall. We rocked until he was calm enough to lie down without getting excited again, read g'night moon one last time and went to sleep. All told it took us only 30 minutes.
I figure I should be able to get a solid two hour nap out of him, giving me time to write this entry, get the bags out of the car, make a snack, plan dinner and maybe even start reading one of the books I brought home (though I won't hold my breath).
Thanks to the words and support of many friends, both on and off-line, I am feeling much clearer and calmer today. I just wanted to say thanks!
Wednesday, June 6
questioning my sanity
I am still adjusting to the fact that other people read my writing. It seems silly because I knowingly put my thoughts and trials out there to be read. I want people to read them, I really do... but...
there is something eerie about having people know a little bit more about me than I would normally and naturally let them know. It isn't like I worry about it when all I am doing is talking about strollers or playdates - but when it comes to my own personal muck I feel really naked.
The things is I need to write this stuff and I want to share it, I love the insight and support I get. I love it when something I have written actually resonates with someone else. And being a naturally open person, blogging suits me just fine. It is a great way for me to practice writing, which is something I would one day love to do professionally, it is a nice way to keep friends and family up to date and a great place to show off my most excellent family.
I am just trying to shake this feeling of dancing onstage for the first time.
there is something eerie about having people know a little bit more about me than I would normally and naturally let them know. It isn't like I worry about it when all I am doing is talking about strollers or playdates - but when it comes to my own personal muck I feel really naked.
The things is I need to write this stuff and I want to share it, I love the insight and support I get. I love it when something I have written actually resonates with someone else. And being a naturally open person, blogging suits me just fine. It is a great way for me to practice writing, which is something I would one day love to do professionally, it is a nice way to keep friends and family up to date and a great place to show off my most excellent family.
I am just trying to shake this feeling of dancing onstage for the first time.
an aside
related to my last post.
I talked mostly about dealing with Sebastian, i.e. teaching and interacting with him to make him better - but I also wanted to mention how those things help me too. If Sebastian, being smaller and having his emotions much closer to the surface, is like that canary - I am the big ol' miner. Our needs and fates are so closely linked that I can not take a one-sided tack on this "operation" this is an organisation-wide operation, that will take into account the needs and desires of all involved (I talk mostly about myself but do appreciate my husband's role in this) and will require we all make some changes. Some conscious, ours, and some learned, boo's. And we do not delude ourselves that there will be a time when we can wave that giant "Mission Accomplished" banner.
I talked mostly about dealing with Sebastian, i.e. teaching and interacting with him to make him better - but I also wanted to mention how those things help me too. If Sebastian, being smaller and having his emotions much closer to the surface, is like that canary - I am the big ol' miner. Our needs and fates are so closely linked that I can not take a one-sided tack on this "operation" this is an organisation-wide operation, that will take into account the needs and desires of all involved (I talk mostly about myself but do appreciate my husband's role in this) and will require we all make some changes. Some conscious, ours, and some learned, boo's. And we do not delude ourselves that there will be a time when we can wave that giant "Mission Accomplished" banner.
you have just come to a sad realization, cancel or allow?
I have, over the course of my career as a mother, been accused many times of being a "great mother." And while I don't argue with that assessment most of the time, in recent months my work has been short of stellar. I can lay down the reasons and the excuses, but the hard fact remains that things need to change.
I had the luck today to be graced with the presence of not one but two great friends, one a mother, one not, who both did their part in helping with what I am currently going through. The first hour of the visit it was just my mama friend, her daughter, Sebastian and I, we played and drank coffee and I tried to make a little more sense of yesterday (and the preceding months). Sadly I was distracted by my unusually (though less so lately) badly behaved son. It made me really sad to see how he socialised with a long-time friend of his and it hurt me to think that his often off-putting (within his peer-group, at least) behaviour was the result of the things I had done.
I am not someone who expects her kids will be perfect, though I do expect they will be polite, respectful and gentle the majority of the time. I don't want to be the mother who lords over her child constantly to ensure he is not giving another child a bloody nose... but in recent times I have become that mother. And I yell, oh boy do I yell - not always angrily, but loudly... he just has such amazing selective hearing. And it drives me batty: you can't whisper "chocolate" within 20 feet of him, but you attempt to get the kid to pick something up and suddenly he doesn't understand the language.
I don't know what exactly it is we need to do, but a great change is in the making. Over the last 2+ months, since we decided to move to Vancouver, things have gotten worse and worse. Our routines are currently non-existent, as is our (his and mine) play-time. Most days I just want him to play in the background while I attempt to get something done (I say something, but nothing ever gets done - that's another issue). The way I see Sebastian has gotten unhealthy for both of us as has the way I see my job. Things are not about to change, what with another coming and no real way I would a) make enough working outside the home to cover daycare expenses and b) ever actually want to. This stay-at home gig has been the awesomest thing I have ever done - truly the first thing I have ever believe I could be really great at. So what's happening?
We've fallen out of our routines, routines that had become such a part of our lives we did them without thinking. Since we started packing and cleaning and cleaning and unpacking all that has gone out the window. Sebastian is our canary in the mine, letting us know how bad it has gotten. And while Andrew and I have definitely seen the symptoms we have been urgently trying to control those without considering the bigger problem at hand. Mainly the psychological and physical needs of a smart, active two-year old being unmet. I forget that we often did simple crafts together, went out and were social with other kids (2-4 times a week), went for nature walks, played, talked... we were best buds and I could anticipate many of his needs and desires before they caused problems. This isn't to say things were great then either - bringing up a kid, as I hear, is hard work no matter how you throw the dice. No, the difference was, more often than not, we were having fun. Sure I left him to his own devices a lot - but that was only because everything we did otherwise was as a duo (trio on weekends). Sure he had issues with all the things kids do as they climb the developmental ladder, but we handled each situation as it came to us in the best manner we could (or could think of).
As two approached and as our move approached things changed. He kept growing and evolving, but as a parent I stayed pretty stagnant. We would try and succeed with things here and there (time outs), but mostly I was complacent. Lulled by the fact that we have an amazing kid. A tipping point came where our symbiotic relationship became almost non-existent and we were instead two creatures simply trying to take what we needed (or wanted) from the other.
I don't know if it was weaning that tipped us over - but it has been his persistent requests for "boobah" that turned on the light for me. That physical closeness, as much as I resented it near the end, was so important to us and was something that once lost desperately needed a stand-in. Sitting and cuddling isn't currently an option as he and I both bore of it quickly and get squirmy (well, he squirms, my mind wanders). I think, today, I hit on our substitute though, and it is so smack-on-the head obvious, reading. Yup, that's it, reading.
I hope the rest comes as easily.
Back to today, my non-mama friend came over about half-way through the afternoon. She is incredible with kids and her presence allowed me to relax a bit more - but I still found myself in these spots where I would just have no fucking clue what to do or say. Usually after painting myself into a corner with words and finding myself at a point where I need to wonder - do I ignore the behaviour now because it just isn't worth the fight? Or do I follow through? I found myself looking around for answers, but there were none to be found - I am mom and the buck really does stop with me. Fuck. My self-confidence is still struggling to rebuild itself, which is a horrid place to be when you have a kid because all of a sudden, like it or not, the kid has the power.
This friend and I talked briefly before she left, she has a way of probing me and asking the questions I want to avoid that I find so invaluable. While talking to her things cleared up a little more for me and my blind optimism started taking a tangible shape.
I am not happy with how things are right at this instant (if it isn't obvious already) but I am optimistic. We have recovered from so many things, Andrew and I, we have learned so much and even had the balls to decide to bring another baby into our lives. Failure is not an option, so the only path leads up. The "sad" realisation is that it is going to take a whole bunch of conscious effort to undo the last three months. Happily we realized that now and not a few more moths down the road when added change (on top of the impending sibling) would have made things much harder. We'll start by setting out things like a schedule and some simple and more complex goals - we have given this operation the code-name "DPB" for deprogram boo. Books and spreadsheets will be used. We mean business (if you couldn't tell from the fancy codename).
Things really will be alright - this is a hiccup, a little one at that. I am relieved to have had the other shoe drop so that I can see everything as it is.
Tuesday, June 5
pregnancy update
I am feeling much more pregnant. I feel the baby all the time now - we have begun to talk names and Sebastian talks about (and to) the baby every day. My midwife assured me that most second-time mothers go through all the things I am going through and to try not to feel guilty about it.
I've been lying in bed a lot feeling and talking to the baby - and as much as I tend to focus on and feel the negative bits, I look at our future with a sense of optimism and eager anticipation. I can easily envision myself cradling "new baby" in a sling, I look forward to breastfeeding and even birth. To the wonders of meeting a brand new person and finding out all about them.
I have passed the half-way point and will be holding this baby before I know it.
I've been lying in bed a lot feeling and talking to the baby - and as much as I tend to focus on and feel the negative bits, I look at our future with a sense of optimism and eager anticipation. I can easily envision myself cradling "new baby" in a sling, I look forward to breastfeeding and even birth. To the wonders of meeting a brand new person and finding out all about them.
I have passed the half-way point and will be holding this baby before I know it.
within me there is a peace that can not be disturbed
I spanked my child today. This is something I have always swore I would not do, I have terrible memories of being spanked - of being chased and spanked by my step-father - and never, ever, EVER want to inflict that kind of pain and humiliation on my children. And yet, today I spanked my son... suffice it to say the punishment did not fit the crime. In fact my memory of the entire incident is a little fuzzy - and it only happened half an hour ago.
The story doesn't really need re-telling, the feeling of wanting to vomit, of feeling shaken to the bone is enough for me. I never want to feel like this again - and I never, ever, EVER want my child to look at me again with fear in his eyes. I realise now that my behaviour lately has been leading me up to this. I have been alternatively cocky about my amazing mothering abilities and completely insecure about them. So insecure that I have been hiding and internalising my frustrations, holding in instead of letting out for fear of being seen as less than wonderful. Meanwhile I have done nothing to actually deal with these feelings, I go on about the wonders and virtues of mantras and mindfulness - but as a total hypocrite.
A friend brought up the possibility of prenatal depression and I don't think she is far off the mark. My ability to live in denial is really strong and I keep trying to hide what I am going through from everyone, including my husband, just like I always have. So it might be depression, it might be that I am just not dealing well with all the things I have piled on my plate and need to work through all of them, it could be that I am not getting enough sleep, or some nutrient, or eating often enough, or, most likely, it could be some combination of all those things.
We have been busy, off the charts really, and while I love it, it has been really really draining. It has left me unable or unwilling to plan social stuff through the weeks with Sebastian's friends and I am really really starting to miss those playdates. But they take so much planning and it is always a little touch and go right up to the last moment as to whether or not they will actually happen, the frustration of it all made it a simpler option to just stay home or do things just the two of us. And then there is the whole living in a new neighbourhood, meeting new people deal I am working through right now. I hate it. I miss our old friends and old activities. I miss the effortlessness of going to an organised playdate. I miss knowing people and people knowing me.
I also miss feeling rested and feeling sane.
The story doesn't really need re-telling, the feeling of wanting to vomit, of feeling shaken to the bone is enough for me. I never want to feel like this again - and I never, ever, EVER want my child to look at me again with fear in his eyes. I realise now that my behaviour lately has been leading me up to this. I have been alternatively cocky about my amazing mothering abilities and completely insecure about them. So insecure that I have been hiding and internalising my frustrations, holding in instead of letting out for fear of being seen as less than wonderful. Meanwhile I have done nothing to actually deal with these feelings, I go on about the wonders and virtues of mantras and mindfulness - but as a total hypocrite.
A friend brought up the possibility of prenatal depression and I don't think she is far off the mark. My ability to live in denial is really strong and I keep trying to hide what I am going through from everyone, including my husband, just like I always have. So it might be depression, it might be that I am just not dealing well with all the things I have piled on my plate and need to work through all of them, it could be that I am not getting enough sleep, or some nutrient, or eating often enough, or, most likely, it could be some combination of all those things.
We have been busy, off the charts really, and while I love it, it has been really really draining. It has left me unable or unwilling to plan social stuff through the weeks with Sebastian's friends and I am really really starting to miss those playdates. But they take so much planning and it is always a little touch and go right up to the last moment as to whether or not they will actually happen, the frustration of it all made it a simpler option to just stay home or do things just the two of us. And then there is the whole living in a new neighbourhood, meeting new people deal I am working through right now. I hate it. I miss our old friends and old activities. I miss the effortlessness of going to an organised playdate. I miss knowing people and people knowing me.
I also miss feeling rested and feeling sane.
Monday, June 4
Saturday in photos
Riding the bus from the parking lot to the Open House site - note the look of quizzical anticipation on my son's face, likely a combination of factors: his first ride on a school bus, the sights, sounds and smells of the landfill, and the fact that he was both seat belt and car seat-less.
Andrew, lord of the tractor:
He looks underwhelmed, but I assure you he's having fun.
Andrew getting his rock star on, check the neon green beard. Rock on dad, rock on.
A dragon for Sebastian - he was SO good through this, his first face painting.
That there is a big-ass truck dumping out garbage.
Thrilled by his belly button.
The trash heap with a regular-sized truck on top of it - for some perspective.
Chowing down on a veggie dog (thanks to the face-painting vegetarian for telling us about them).
Next year I will make Sebastian dress up like this balloon butterfly.
Sebastian regaling "Return-it Man" with tales of trucks and sand.
And after a hot day at the dump, there's nothing better than a dip in the pool.
Even later that day at our friend Shannon's Sebastian had a chance to listen to his heart beat. He was mesmerized, he was just staring at Shannon as though she had just blown his mind.
Andrew, lord of the snack table.
It might just be me - but I look at this picture and can't help thinking that it looks as through Brian is about the grab Shannon by the neck as she plays a tune on her beer bottle. (Not to worry, it wasn't that kind of party).
My teeny-tiny glass of wine.
Sleeping it off.
Andrew, lord of the tractor:
He looks underwhelmed, but I assure you he's having fun.
Andrew getting his rock star on, check the neon green beard. Rock on dad, rock on.
A dragon for Sebastian - he was SO good through this, his first face painting.
That there is a big-ass truck dumping out garbage.
Thrilled by his belly button.
The trash heap with a regular-sized truck on top of it - for some perspective.
Chowing down on a veggie dog (thanks to the face-painting vegetarian for telling us about them).
Next year I will make Sebastian dress up like this balloon butterfly.
Sebastian regaling "Return-it Man" with tales of trucks and sand.
And after a hot day at the dump, there's nothing better than a dip in the pool.
Even later that day at our friend Shannon's Sebastian had a chance to listen to his heart beat. He was mesmerized, he was just staring at Shannon as though she had just blown his mind.
Andrew, lord of the snack table.
It might just be me - but I look at this picture and can't help thinking that it looks as through Brian is about the grab Shannon by the neck as she plays a tune on her beer bottle. (Not to worry, it wasn't that kind of party).
My teeny-tiny glass of wine.
Sleeping it off.
my very first letter to the editor
The Article:
Dear CBC,
As the mother of a happy co-sleeping toddler, I resent being lumped together with people ignorant or uninformed enough to fill their baby's crib with suffocation hazards.
I am educated and intelligent and did a lot of research before deciding to co-sleep with my infant. Co-sleeping is a safe arrangement, when done properly, that works wonderfully for many families. As the LLL points out, co-sleeping helps breastfeeding mothers establish and maintain that relationship and through my own conversations with parents I have found that, among my friends, the majority sleep at least part of the night with their babies. Co-sleeping allows parents (mainly mothers) to get more sleep, ensuring better functioning during awake times, co-sleeping creates a bond between babies and parents and helps establish a feeling of trust and safety because the babies needs are being met.
As responsible journalists, I would urge you to seek out more information - your expert is only viewing one factor of many in the cause of infant sleeping deaths. I would like to point out an excellent article for parents by Dr. Alan Greene: SIDS, The Family Bed, and The U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission: http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&ref=953
The family bed is a safe and wonderful place for many families, for the first years, we followed the same safety rules we would in a crib, mainly we always made certain there were no suffocation hazards and would never sleep together if either one of us were intoxicated.
The parents who would sleep with their babies while drunk or otherwise intoxicated are just as irresponsible as those who would fill their child's crib with adult pillows - don't paint us all with the same brush, it is incredibly offensive.
Sincerely,
Kate Harris
Mother of Sebastian - 26 months.
*** now I appreciate that the CBC was simply reporting on this coroner's report - but could they not have looked further than LLL? There is more to co-sleeping than breastfeeding, and no fucking way can you lump most co-sleepers in with someone who would place adult pillows in a crib.
Unsafe sleeping arrangements cause rise in infant deaths: report
My Response:Dear CBC,
As the mother of a happy co-sleeping toddler, I resent being lumped together with people ignorant or uninformed enough to fill their baby's crib with suffocation hazards.
I am educated and intelligent and did a lot of research before deciding to co-sleep with my infant. Co-sleeping is a safe arrangement, when done properly, that works wonderfully for many families. As the LLL points out, co-sleeping helps breastfeeding mothers establish and maintain that relationship and through my own conversations with parents I have found that, among my friends, the majority sleep at least part of the night with their babies. Co-sleeping allows parents (mainly mothers) to get more sleep, ensuring better functioning during awake times, co-sleeping creates a bond between babies and parents and helps establish a feeling of trust and safety because the babies needs are being met.
As responsible journalists, I would urge you to seek out more information - your expert is only viewing one factor of many in the cause of infant sleeping deaths. I would like to point out an excellent article for parents by Dr. Alan Greene: SIDS, The Family Bed, and The U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission: http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&ref=953
The family bed is a safe and wonderful place for many families, for the first years, we followed the same safety rules we would in a crib, mainly we always made certain there were no suffocation hazards and would never sleep together if either one of us were intoxicated.
The parents who would sleep with their babies while drunk or otherwise intoxicated are just as irresponsible as those who would fill their child's crib with adult pillows - don't paint us all with the same brush, it is incredibly offensive.
Sincerely,
Kate Harris
Mother of Sebastian - 26 months.
*** now I appreciate that the CBC was simply reporting on this coroner's report - but could they not have looked further than LLL? There is more to co-sleeping than breastfeeding, and no fucking way can you lump most co-sleepers in with someone who would place adult pillows in a crib.
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