Andrew and I had a big talk tonight, we've both been feeling pretty blah. Not happy, not depressed, just blah. We're understandably tired, we're understandably worn out, we've got a ton on our plates and have barely been there for one another all week.
I am convinced I know the cause - I am pretty sure that we have entered that vicious consumption/laziness/depression cycle, I saw it coming miles away - we started eating take-out almost exclusively near the end of my pregnancy, and since we're usually broke and had things we *had* to spend money on, take-out usually came in a bag (or two) imprinted with the letter so quintessentially "fast food." As soon as that yellow letter comes back into our lives we begin reverting in all kinds of ways. We overspend (our rent was late two months in a row), we get all lazy with our parenting, we stop maintaining the house - leading to necessary cleaning binges, we retreat socially, we discuss taking up smoking again (so far, so good), we stop talking and instead begin assuming we know what the other is thinking (and usually resent them for whatever that is)... we get all mopey and morose and totally unmotivated, which leads to more fast food meals and the cycle begins again.
Andrew proposed that the smoking, lazy, fast-food eating, overspending us is us in our natural state - his reasoning being that we always revert to being "that" couple when things get tough, plus we have been those people for so long. I countered with the idea that we are simply people who take the path of least resistance when facing a tough challenge - I think that most people in our society are the same way, so not even trying in the first place. I contend that our true nature is to attempt to grow and learn and evolve because those times when we are truly happy - times when we feel good about ourselves, our lives, our world - are also the times when we are making a conscious effort to live well. He conceded that I did have a point, which I am taking to mean he is on board with my plans to get things back on track.
I have not completed my big list - but I have been whittling away at the little one (which is also very big) and have come up with a few things to work on now. I fixed our budget and as long as we can curb our frivolous spending, we should easily have enough money for a modest, but lovely, Christmas, as well as some modest, but lovely, birth announcements. I also made a judgement call I have been mulling over for a few months - I decided that the convenience of having all of our groceries delivered to our door weekly by spud.ca far outweighed the premium prices we will now pay for, admittedly fantastic, organic produce and natural foods. It is an added cost that isn't easy to take on paper, but in practice - with two kids and a fried brain - it is worth every cent! Plus we're already blowing our budget every week with all the fast food.
So, our conversation evolved into a discussion of all the things going on currently, we're still having a hard time parenting Sebastian, plus we're working on how to make life work as a family of four - managing every one's needs and expectations, and I am trying very hard to remember how to talk to other human beings - especially my very patient and much abused husband.