Wednesday, November 28

letting go

I am feeling better - not all better, mind you, but much better.

Monday afternoon I drove my mom to the airport and returned to my ordinary life. Having her around has been incredible - have I mentioned that? And now that she's gone, I really miss her.

Yesterday was a great day - one of those days that make me wonder if I had blown this whole postpartum thing out of proportion. One of those days that I would have held up as proof that "everything is fine" before. Not everything went as planned, but the sun was shining and I was rolling with the punches like a pro.

Today was, in contrast, a day that seemed only to exist as a reminder that I still have a long, long way to go. From getting out of bed this morning to sitting down to eat or type, today was just harder. That voice of supermom, looking over my shoulder and telling me all the little things I should feel bad about was louder than my inner cheerleader. I managed to keep her quiet by doing a few things I wouldn't normally do, things like letting Sebastian play with water in the kitchen sink so I could have a few moments to rest. It seems so small and silly but I really had work hard to keep myself from trying to mop up every errant drop of water.

Cleaning is my vice, my crutch - I feel like life can only start once my house is clean. And like one day, if only I clean enough, I can stop and enjoy myself. Thankfully I am learning that there are lots of things I can do to keep my house tidy enough to not weigh on me so much, and that a little mess isn't the end of the world. I found myself frantically cleaning once again when Andrew took Sebastian to do laundry. I was cleaning because Andrew's parents are coming over in the morning to take Sebastian out, to give me a break. They're doing this to help me manage my overwhelm and here I am freaking out about looking like I have it all together. Happily, I caught myself before I'd spent my whole "break" working my ass off - and as a bonus I got a chance to giggle at myself before curling up with a book.

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