Normally when something is afflicting a family member or friend I am the first to hit the internet to better understand. This time, I am making a conscious effort not to do too much research before my initial evaluation on Wednesday - I don't want to inadvertently taint my answers to better fit one mold or another.
That said, I needed to find out if maybe I was crazy (not an appropriate term, eh?) and I am not in fact, suffering PPD - I mean, I still laugh, still have moments of joy, it isn't like I can't function - my house (until yesterday) has stayed spotless, I make budgets and meal plans and pay bills (again, until yesterday - so I should take care of that), I may not be leaving the house much, but I make plans and when I do leave the house I am... okay... not great, I would rather be at home, away from people and their judging eyes - away from big trucks and their crushing wheels, away from constant reminders of how not together I have it (for example, my inability to follow driving directions and consistently get lost - once it was annoying, but funny, now it feels like a sign of my failures as a parent).
So I did a little researching, I knew anxiety was part of the problem - and lo and behold, the postpartum period can introduce all kinds of mood disorders, not just depression. So, armed now with the knowledge that when I go in an tell them that I do still have fun they won't send me off with a pat on the head. When I read the symptoms for OCD it was like a lightbulb went off, and when I told Andrew what I had done and what I thought and he rolled his eyes and then nodded knowingly - OCD would fit a lot of what I've been doing and thinking. We will see what comes of my meeting on Wednesday, but it is just nice knowing that I can be briefly happy and still sick (not actually being sick, being a hypochondriac, is a bit of a phobia of mine).